Columbo

Good afternoon, this is Paul Gerard,

and once again, the world is my kitchen,

a world of fine dining in the restaurant and in your home.

In Japan, it is said, meals are prepared for the eye,

as well as the palate.

This is not true, however, of an eating ritual...

known as Odori, the dance of the flesh.

In a country where most people like their seafood fresh and raw,

there are those who prefer it lively.

The shrimp is still wriggling as it is quickly dipped into the sauce...

and eaten with gusto.

You can never say he allows himself to be blinded by good taste.

Only by money.

Still, he's done all right for us.

Not me, not anymore.

In the case of fugu, the Japanese blowfish,

this is quite literally true.

The tiger fugu, considered to be the most delicious variety,

is also the most deadly,

a remarkably potent poison...

unless the highly toxic liver and other organs...

are removed with great skill.

I'm getting out.

Ah, when?

- Tonight. - Tonight?

He's finished.

... or a tiny residue of the poison.

A taste of eternity.

Adorable.

Paul, we need a couple with just the package, now.

Life would be unbearable without my daily portion of Bon Snax.

Good.

Yes, yes, my anchovies would weep...

and my pâté would be desolate...

and my Camembert inconsolable.

Am I breaking your heart, Charlie?

Keep it up, you're doing great.

- How many more, fellas? - Oh, just one more, please.

Always just one more.

If you gave a photographer 20 lashes,

he'd still ask for just one more.

Terrific. Enough.

- Bonjour, and Bon Snax. - Thanks, Paul.

This way, gentlemen.

Eve, we'll have the proofs and we'll get them back to you in a couple a days.

The check would be even nicer.

My notes for the Restaurant Writers' dinner?

Notes.

Did you call the airport?

Mr. Ozu's flight will be on time.

You are flawless. A gem.

What kind of gem?

A sapphire.

Too cool. I'd rather be an emerald.

Consider it done.

Paul, can I ask you a question?

Certainly.

Are we having an affair?

I would say a prelude to an affair.

That's terrific, Paul.

Why do I have to do that stuff at the bank?

- Because you must. - I hate it.

Banking is part of your job.

- It's underhanded. - Are you an accountant, Eve?

No, I'm not.

And I'm not Irene DeMilo, either.

Why do I have to pretend to be Irene DeMilo?

Because we're having an affair.

I thought it was just a prelude.

The prelude is almost concluded.

The affair is about to begin.

Vittorio.

You flatter my poor restaurant, Mr. Gerard.

Come on. We both know your restaurant is superb.

Let's dine together and we'll be friends again.

We'll dine.

You invited yourself and so we will dine.

- Albert, my favorite chef Italiano. - Mr. Gerard.

What have you been concocting for us here, hmm?

My antipasto.

Rosemary, shallot,

a touch of juniper. Very good, very good.

Anything else, Vittorio?

No, that's it, Alberto. You've done very well.

- So. - So.

It seems you do not take seriously...

what I told you on the phone.

I do not require your praise anymore.

Not your radio, your television,

no more newspapers, no magazines.

As you please. It's your restaurant.

I'm finished with our little arrangement.

Not one penny more. Capisce?

This is very good.

So it's no more 25% for you,

Mr. Paul Gerard.

Mr. Famous Paul Gerard.

I'll tell the world what you are.

- Haven't you forgotten something? - Proof? I have proof.

No, you forgot the wine.

May I suggest a cabernet?

May I suggest a Margaux, maestro?

Fine, fine.

When I'm finished with you,

you'll starve like a beggar in the streets.

Margaux.

What a pity it has to end like this.

What'll you write?

Vittorio's is a rotten restaurant?

What a pity. Well,

ciao.

Old friend.

Now, wait, wait. Tonight I gave you a lesson.

- Paul Gerard? - Yes.

- I was called. - I'm Sergeant Burke.

You wanna wait here a minute, please?

The police asked me to get in touch with Paul Gerard. He's here now.

Mr. Gerard?

- Mr. Paul Gerard? - Yes.

Ah, forgive me, sir, for eating this way,

but I didn't have a chance to go home...

and Chef Albert, he was good enough to prepare me a bowl of his cioppino.

It's terrific.

He uses a freshly grated lemon peel to give it that extra zing.

Well, I don't have to tell you that, sir.

Mr. Gerard, this is a real pleasure.

I never miss one of your columns.

My name is Lieutenant Columbo, Homicide.

Lieutenant, I came immediately as soon as the police called.

I can't believe, Vittorio dead.

Poison?

Well, that's the medical examiner's opinion.

Please, sit down, sir.

Thank you.

My God, poison.

I ate the same meal.

Albert prepared it.

Ah, yes, sir, that's what he told me.

May I ask, sir, how you feel?

I don't know. I'm not sure.

I was at the airport, then home.

No ill effects.

And then you came directly here, sir?

Yes, I...

You said Albert cooked that?

Delicious and it's all in the basil and the garlic.

Oh, I see what you mean, sir.

Albert, the poison. Oh, I doubt that very much, sir.

When we brought him in to question him, he became very indignant.

He grabbed a knife and fork, he started to eat everything in sight.

He's in perfect health, sir.

And the boy? Mario?

As I understand it, he didn't eat.

I wonder why the mussels that you buy in the store...

never turn out this way.

Oh, I do a little cooking, sir, nothing fancy.

Mrs. Columbo,

she's a remarkable woman. She has lots of interests.

But cooking isn't one of them.

She gives me plenty of encouragement.

Feeling better, sir?

Yes, yes, thank you.

Well, what I was going to ask you, sir,

didn't the...

Did you say you went to the airport tonight?

Yes, to meet a friend.

And then you came right here?

No, Lieutenant,

the call from the police didn't reach me until I returned home.

And how long would you say it took you to get from your home to here?

I came immediately.

From the phone call to my arrival,

about eight minutes. Is this important, Lieutenant?

Not at all, sir. Just for my report.

What I wanted to ask you,

did the victim show any signs of being in trouble?

No. Certainly nothing like that.

Are you sure, sir?

Nothing you might have forgotten?

Lord knows you'd be entitled if something slipped your mind.

All this stress,

all this poison flying around.

What makes you think Vittorio was in some sort of trouble?

Mainly because he was murdered, sir.

The two, trouble and murder, they seem to go together.

At least that's been my experience, sir.

Lieutenant.

Albert, can all this be true?

Mr. Gerard,

Vittorio was a fine man.

You're a food critic, a great critic.

I'm a simple chef,

but I'm sure I speak for chefs everywhere...

when I say I wish it was you dead in there.

Oh, Albert.

Lieutenant, the boy, Mario, you can speak to him now.

I'm going home to finish getting drunk.

Thank you, Albert.

We'll be in touch, Albert.

Poor man. He's overwrought.