My Three Sons

Hi. This is Mike.

How are you?

Did your, uh, folks say anything about me

getting you home so late?

Good.

Oh, my dad was asleep, but Bub was up watching TV.

No, he won't squeal.

You, uh, you sure looked pretty last night.

Ugh.

Hey, guess what?

All right, all right! Hey, you guys...

Who slammed that door just now?

Me. Hey, Bub, guess what happened?

Never mind what happened.

How many times have I told you guys

not to slam any doors around here when I'm baking a cake?

I'm sorry, Bub.

I didn't smell it in time.

Did it go flat?

Did it go flat? Like a pizza!

Hang that phone up, you.

And, Robbie, get your feet off the couch.

Gee whiz, doesn't anybody want to hear what happened?

We'll talk about that at dinner.

: Tramp's a father!

What's that?

I said Tramp's a father.

Tramp is what?

He's a father.

He's got six kids. Wow.

: Well... Who's the lucky, uh...

I mean, uh, who's Tramp's wife?

Jelly Bean Snyder.

Jelly Bean Snyder?

Yeah, that's Billy Snyder's dog's name.

You remember Billy Snyder.

He's the one who poured chocolate malt in your pipe.

: Oh, yeah.

Well, do the, uh, do the puppies look like Tramp?

Uh-uh. They're too brand-new to look like anybody.

Well, two of them will look like Tramp,

and two of them will look like Jelly Bean,

and the other two will be toss-ups,

according to the Mendelian law.

Well, if any of them look like Tramp,

the law should be repealed.

Ask for it.

See how it sounds when you ask.

May I, uh, please have the gravy?

Oh, Dad, you gotta write a note

to Old Lady Purdy that says it's okay for me

to go on a biology field trip Saturday.

Okay. Oh, yeah, and you gotta sign this.

How long you been carrying this around?

It's been through the washer.

All it says is there's a meeting at school tomorrow night.

Just sign where it says "I won't be there."

Why did you wait till now to give it to me?

Well, I forgot.

Besides, you never go to these things anyway.

"The parents of the children of the Webster Elementary School

"are invited to attend a lecture on the discovery

"of the opposite sex by the pre-adolescent

"and the delicacy with which it should be handled at home.

"To be given by Miss Muriel Stewart

of our Sociology Department."

Sounds delightful.

I used to have Old Lady Stewart when I went to Chip's school.

She's an old bat.

What's an opposite sex?

Eat your string beans.

Mine!

I'll get it.

Anything to get out of doing the dishes.

You know, Bub, I think maybe

we ought to go down to school tomorrow night.

We? Yeah.

How's chances of having another phone put in, Dad?

Yes, I'll do that first thing in the morning.

No, seriously, Bub.

Hal Mosby and his wife have gone to some of these

night sessions at school and he says they learn a lot

about how to handle their kids.

How do we know we're saying

or doing the right thing for the boys?

Maybe we're not bringing them up right.

Now, what kind of talk is that?

These are the three finest boys in the country.

Sure we are, Dad.

Eat your string beans.

Bub, I've been planning

on having that, uh, "little talk" with Chip.

And now I'm kind of afraid to do it

because I'm-I'm afraid I might put it the wrong way.

What little talk?

Eat your string beans.

Why don't you just tell him about the birds

and the bees and the pollen?

There's never been anything wrong with that.

According to this, there has.

You know, Dad's right, Bub.

It was all I could do to keep a straight face

when you started that birds and bees jazz with me.

There, you see?

Mike, your father and I were having a talk.

I couldn't go to that meeting tomorrow night anyway.

I got a million things to do.

Well, we're going one of these nights,

so you might as well adjust your mind to it.

All right.

"Will not attend."

Chip, get the phone, will you?

I'm sure it isn't for me.

Hello?

That's the dumbest thing I ever heard.

You must be some kind of kook or something.

Chip!

Yeah, well, that's no sign

you can start this kind of junk with me.

Well, who asked you to play football anyway?

It was not touch football, it was tackle.

If you weren't so stupid, you'd have known it.

You better start playing with the girls.

Good-bye.

Well, that was certainly

a nice way to talk to one of your friends.

Who needs that creep? Well, just the same, Chip,

I've never known you to be so rude.

Now, who were you talking to?

That slobby Maxine O'Hare.

Well, just...

You mean you were talking to a girl?

Sure, Dad. I wouldn't talk to the guys like that.

Well, what did she do that was so terrible?

Just 'cause I corked her on the arm a couple times

she went and asked me to take her to a picnic.

You corked her?

Sure, Dad, real easy, like... that.

Guess she thought I was getting mushy or something.

Well, why would she think you were getting mushy

just because you corked her on the arm?

I don't know.

Girls are sure goofy.

It's almost 8:00.

Flash will be on in a minute.

Bub, did you ever hear of a girl thinking you were getting mushy

just because you, uh, corked her on the arm?

Nope. They usually turn black and blue.

What I mean is, I think we could learn a few things

about the way our children think

by going to that school meeting tonight.

Yeah, well, I'll leave a piece of cake in the icebox for you.

One of these nights, we're going.

Dad?

Mm-hmm.

How did Jelly Bean know which trash can to look into?

The what? (TV playing)

Miss Snyder said, Jelly Bean

found her puppies in the trash can.

How did she know which one to look into?

Well, uh, Chip, I'm not sure

that's where Jelly Bean got her puppies.

I think, uh... Sure, it is.

You get puppies in trash cans,

kittens under houses, and baby goats under bridges.

And I must admit to a little bit of disappointment

at the small turnout this evening,

for the subject we're going to discuss is of prime importance

to every family in the school district.

Please be seated, gentlemen.

There are three stages to adolescent behavior

that you parents at home must watch for.

One, the stage where your son refuses to admit

that such a thing as a girl exists.

You and I are practically the only men in the joint.

Yeah. Just this one.

I feel just like a rooster in a henhouse.

Especially for the child in question...

And the queen of the chicken coop is perched right behind us.

Of course, this may be assumed

to be nothing more than self-consciousness

and isn't to be taken too seriously.

Looks like that Old Lady Stewart

that Robbie was talking about didn't show up.

Yeah.

This is a very nice-looking woman.

Yeah, she's all right if you like them skinny.

Skinny?

Trouble with you is you never got over the Floradora...

Thank you.

Now to get back to the theme.

And then sometimes a boy will actually hit a girl,

on the arm perhaps,

or even over the head with a book.

She's terrific.

Makes me feel kind of goofy to have Dad down at school.

Yeah, I know.

He might talk to Old Lady Stewart.

Oh, no, he won't.

Dad's got more sense than to talk to teachers.