Our Idiot Brother

- How much? - Two dollars.

All right.

- There you go. - Thanks.

Sadie. Those aren't ours. Sorry, sorry.

- Let's go find Mommy. - Sadie.

Thank you.

Officer Washburn, how you doing today?

Ned, you always have the most gorgeous rhubarb.

It's Willie Nelson's poo that gives it that glow.

- My dog, Willie Nelson. - Oh, Hey, Willie.

Is that true?

Um... Listen, Ned...

...you wouldn't happen to know where I could get some, uh...

- You know what I mean? - What?

Roll it up, toke it up, do it up.

- Mary Jane... - You know, officer...

...even if I did, do you really think I'd tell you?

Oh, uh...

You're right, I'm sorry.

It's... it's been a hard week, you know?

- Yeah? - Yeah.

But, not your problem.

You have a good day.

Officer.

Here you go, officer, have some rhubarb.

Hey, thanks, man. Wow.

- How much do I owe you? - Nothing.

Seriously, I understand. I know what it's like to have a hard week.

Well, thank you, but I wouldn't be able to enjoy it unless I...

All right, if you insist. Uh...

Twenty bucks.

- Twenty bucks? - Yeah.

- Put it back into the produce. - Twenty bucks.

- All right, thank you. - Excellent.

You're under arrest.

- Really. - Oh!

You're under arrest.

Oh, shit.

Willie Nelson didn't do anything.

It's gonna be OK, Willie Nelson.

It's gonna be all right.

So, Kaplan, from Westbank Capital, right,

he stands up, bids $25,000.

This is like a $500 bottle of wine, $480, right.

- OK. - Great, yeah. Good night.

OK.

Take this off.

Damn it. What?

Jeremy, my pilot light's out again.

Well, just use a match, you moron.

Last time I did that I almost singed off my eyeball.

Will you just come up and do the thing with the thing

behind the thing that you did? it'll take two minutes.

Goddamn it. OK, I'll be up in five minutes. OK?

- What?! - Are you having sex?

- OK, I'll be right there. - You're gonna leave right now?

I'll be back in a couple of minutes, I just have to help her out.

- No. - I'm a good neighbor.

Huh! It's, uh, 7:35, you know kids these days.

It's so depressing.

Your friends from the law firm will be here, right?

Yeah, but it's casual Friday.

OK, what does that mean?

A lot of bad lawyer clothes.

One of the things about being the dumb, slutty one

is that it gives you a unique perspective.

So, Ralph and I are doing it on the ping pong table,

you know, fucking.

Hey.

Hey.

Oh, my God. What have you done to your vagina?

It's a Brazilian.

Bizarre.

See you later, Campbell! Take good care of that leg,

- Take care. - Hey! Hope I don't see you again.

Get back.

You stay cool, little mama.

Not in front of the chickens, babe...

- Sweetie! Hey, sweetheart. - Ned! Whoa.

- Whoa. What are you doing here, man? - They let me go early.

Good behavior. I won Most Cooperative Inmate, four months running.

- Of course you were. - I missed you so much.

- Baby, I... - Hey, man.

Hi.

Ned, this is Billy. Billy, this is.,. Ned.

Oh. I've heard a lot about you. How's it going, Ned?

Janet's told me a lot of stuff about you. Some of it's pretty intense.

I've made some changes since you've been gone.

I told her to tell you earlier, but you know what she's like...

Billy, you said you'd be supportive.

- Sorry, man. - it's all right.

It's cool you're out of jail.

- I'll let you guys do this. - All right.

Thanks, Billy.

Wow, man. Well... where do I go now?

Ned, you had, like, eight months to think about this.

Yeah, but for eight months I thought I was coming back here,

I mean, I've lived here for three years.

- I lived here before you lived here. - it's not a contest!

Dude, this is what happens when you don't use your head.

Can you just think for a minute what it was like for me these past few months?

You? Well, you know, where-'s... Where's Willie Nelson?

Willie Nelson? Willie!

Willie! Hey, buddy!

- We'll be fine. - But Willie Nelson is not your dog.

Tim, who's my friend, left him here.

Willie, who do you wanna live with? Who do you wanna live with?

That is so not cool, Ned.

Are you seriously gonna put that dog in that position?

Look, I am really happy that you got out of prison.

But it is not fair to uproot this animal. He loves it here.

I'm not gonna uproot him. I'm still gonna work here.

Well, you think that Dave is gonna take you back after what you did?

- Well, I'm still taking him with me. - Where?

- Where, Ned? - I...

That's what I thought. Come on, Willie Nelson. Come on.

- Let's go. - Come on! How can you do this to me?

To us?

We've had three beautiful years, man. Let me go.

Not me and you, me and Willie Nelson.

Let's go.

- Come here. Get inside. - Oh. Geez, Louise.

Where do you want me to drop you, man?

Anywhere. Here's fine.

Hey, man, you gonna be all right?

Yeah.

Buddy, you can't come with me.

Don't you start crying, too, OK?

I can't...

Hey, man, Janet's been trying to rent out that old goat barn.

If you could get two months worth of rent together, then maybe you could...

Seriously? Well, what's she asking per month?

Well, she's been asking $400,

but for you, she'd probably give it to you for $500.

You think she'd go for it?

You just worry about getting that money together.

I'll take care of Janet.

Right on. Thanks, man.

Hey, just remember,

Omega-3s for the blepharitis, it helps with everything.

- Thanks for the tip, Ned. - Thanks, Hauser.

You know what the worst part is? She's insisting on keeping Willie Nelson.

- No! - No, way!

I thought she was a Buddhist or something,

I'm so sorry, I know how much you love him.

- That sucks, Ned. - Yeah, it's really tough,

but you know what I'm gonna do is get some money together

and I'm gonna rent the goat barn on the back 40, so...

The goat barn. Pff. Better hurry up on that one.

- Yeah. - How much you need for the goat barn?

I'm sure we could rustle up some cash for you?

Um, I thought we agreed as a family not to loan each other money.

Yeah, no, right, obviously.

Because then we would've blown through Dylan's inheritance by now.

I just thought that it would be, you know, better if Ned were to...

...earn it himself.

For Ned, yeah, for you.

Absolutely, no, for sure. I'm not a charity case.

I wanna work, so if you hear of anything, any odd jobs or anything,

please, let me know, because...

Maybe there's something on your movie you could...

There wouldn't... No, no.

No. No, we're pretty well-staffed at the moment.

Yeah, sorry, it's...

You know what you really need is to get laid.

I have, like, live hot roommates, a couple of them would totally fuck you.

- Definitely. - Dude,

can we discuss living with that many people at this age?

I mean, it's kind of gnarly.

Well, actually, we looked at a two-bedroom in Brooklyn Heights.

- Right, Nat? - For you two?

- That's awesome. - Good! That's so exciting!

- Can I come check it out? - Yeah, of course.

Contain your enthusiasm, Nat.

No, it's just...

I get worried, because...

...people who move in together always end up either breaking up

or getting married.

- OK, - No, no, no, no.

Why would you say that in front of everybody? I don't understand.

- Come here. - OK.

Take a breath, Mom.

- Relax, take a breath. - We have to go. Seth has a show.

- Yeah. Who's Seth? - I have a deadline. I'm gonna go too.

What about cake? Aren't we gonna play a game or something?

We should probably get going as well.

Hey, sunshine, we gotta get home and practice your shehnai,

You're right.

I'll cut you a slice, River, you can take it with you.

Oh, no, he had a cupcake yesterday.

We're off sugar today. Thanks, though, Ned,

Such a lucky kid, gets a cupcake once a week.

So, I'll see you guys next week, OK?

- Bye, Mom! - You guys really have to go so soon?

It's still light out.

I know, but I'm so psyched to have you next week.

- Yeah, to next week! Bye, guys. - Cindy!

Coming, coming!

Our door is always open, Ned.

We'll see you next week, OK? Bye!