Cooties

It's a beautiful summer day in Chicago today.

Temperatures expected to reach the upper 80s.

In recent news, a health advisory was reported from Happy Poultry Farms.

They're telling us they're issuing a full recall

for their pre-cooked chicken tenders and also their buffalo chicken tenders.

This only applies to chicken that was packaged Friday

and delivered to Fort Chicken and Danville.

Morning, honey. - Ahem.

Rise and shine.

- Morning, Mum. - How's the book going?

Good. Yeah, I've been working really hard on it.

Rewriting it. It's a first draught, you know. Did you get a chance

- to read the manuscript? - I did and I loved it.

- Oh. Any thoughts? Criticisms? - No, I thought it was wonderful.

I won't become a better writer if I don't get constructive criticism. Please.

- I'm begging you. - Well,

um, I did think the characters were a tiny bit unlikeable.

- That's more like it. Noted. - And it was a little slow.

I found myself a little bored, to be honest.

- And I heart honesty. - I also didn't know what was going on

or where we were. It wasn't explained well.

I couldn't figure out the plot. It was kind of insulting.

And there was no specificity in terms of time and place.

- And where was the inciting incident? - OK, OK, this is... Wow.

Thank you, heh.

But mostly I loved it.

Now, get up and teach those summer school kids how to write like you.

Chapter one. The boat was evil, but he loved the boat.

Chapter one. The boat was evil, but he didn't know just how evil.

The boat was evil,

but it was an acceptable level of evil.

Chapter one. The sea-faring vessel, The Schooner, was evil.

Ah. It's getting there.

Jesus. I've come full circle. How very, very utterly depressing.

What's up, amigo? Hey.

- You're not my dealer. - No, I'm Clint...

- Hey, you don't sell shrooms do you? - No. I'm Clint Hadson.

Is that Hudson?

- Hadson. - Yeah, it's him. I'll let him in.

- Oh. So that's a no on the shrooms? - Right.

Excuse me.

I'm having trouble...

Don't you forget, you're grounded.

When school's over you come straight home.

- Fuck you, Mum. - (WOMAN) Oh, yeah? Fuck you.

- I'm just gonna miss you so much. - Can't I take it off?

No. The playground is a war zone.

- Watch it. - Sorry. Didn't see you there.

Well, maybe you should take in your surroundings more.

Yeah.

- Mr. Hudson. - (CLINT) Hadson.

- Hi. Uh, call me Clint. - Righteous.

Thanks for coming on such short notice.

Mrs. Kenner is down with the flu, or maybe she's pregnant.

She is Mormon, so that's a possibility.

I'm vice principal Simms. Principal Hodges is in the Bahamas.

You know what they say.

When the cat's away, the vice principal becomes acting principal.

I forgot they say that.

Teacher's lounge is across the way.

Go get a cup of joe. It's not strong enough for my taste.

To deal with these terrors I need the high-octane stuff. Isn't that right?

Heh, she's hilarious. A lot of personal tragedy.

Come on in to this office. Pull up a ball chair.

Got a cell phone?

Um, yeah.

- I'm gonna have to take it. - Are you serious?

Yep. This is a no cell-phone campus. We can't ask the kids to give up

something we're not willing to. So hand over that crackberry.

Booyah. Now, I gotta warn you, I run a pretty tight ship.

Yeah, I'm fine with that.

Heh, it's funny you should say that. I'm actually writing a book about a ship.

Well, it's more of a boat. I have it with me.

If you're asking me to describe my pedagogical "philosophy"

- I'm not. - Some charter schools out of Boston

are "absolutely" "revolutionising" "education."

I'm not sure you know how air quotes work.

I wanna bring these kids back to a pre-digital era.

No cell phones, and I don't care if it's raining labradoodles,

I wanna get those kids outside during recess.

Heck, I'll lock them out. And I will do that.

Now, here's a map of the school. Mrs. Kenner is in Room 12.

Oh, I don't need that. I actually used to go here. Class of '88.

Hey, you know what that is? That's out of sight.

- All right. - Shouldn't joke about guns though.

- No. - Not in a school.

- Yeah. - That's not funny.

My partner's name is David. He is awesome.

He's a little bit older, but really has this amazing body.

If I'm being completely honest,

he does have these fantastic balls that I just love to play with.

They're firmer and fuzzier, so...

Heh, tennis partner. Heh, David's my tennis partner. Heh.

Hi there. Um, you know which one of these is Mrs. Kenner's?

Buddy, I don't know what that bitch drinks out of.

Here's what I do know. I know that this is a rape button.

It emits a shit-crazy alarm that will inform local police,

who'll arrive within two minutes should you decide to get touchy and/or feely.

Wanna know why I have a rape button? Don't answer.

Because the State of Illinois doesn't trust the citizenry enough

to pass safe, sensible, conceal and carry laws.

OK.

So any of these then?

Hm. She's a little tightly wound, huh?

Oh, my God.

Lucy? Lucy McCormick?

- It's Clint Hadson. - Oh, my God.

- Wow, what are you doing here? - I'm subbing for Mrs. Kenner.

Oh, my God. Amazing.

I heard you lived in New York.

Yeah, I did. In Brooklyn.

But now I'm in town for a while. Staying at Charman's.

Oh.

- Who's Charman? - My mum.

But it's the guesthouse, so it's...

So you're a teacher now?

No. Well, I mean yes.

I subbed a little in New York, but I'm a writer.

That's great.

God, it's a scorcher out there, huh?

Unseasonably warm.

Yeah.

Uh, Wade, have you met Clint?

I have not. Wade Johnson. Pleased to meet you with meat to please you.

Actually, we kind of met earlier. You parked me in.

- What are you talking about? - Nothing. It's... It's fine.

It's just that, um, you parked so close that I couldn't get out of my car.

My truck's got a dual real wheel.

- I'm sorry? - Dual real wheel.

Dual real... Dual real...

Dual real real. Dual real...

Dual real wheel.

Dual real... Real real.

It's got a dual real wheel. Dual real wheel. Dual real...

- Dual real. - I don't understand.

It's got two extra wheels on the back part of it.

Dual rear...

So, Clint, heard tell you were a writer, hmm?

- What have you written? - Ah. Nothing that you've read, yet.

I'm actually working on my first novel.

- Really? - Yeah.

Oh, yeah, well, that's actually why I'm home.

You know, just to hunker down and bang out that story.

But, uh, I need a few shekels.

Shekels.

- Hebrew for... - Doug.

...currency. Yeah. OK.

- Wow. Good for you. That's so exciting. - Thanks.

What's it about?

Oh. Uh, well, it's a horror novel.

Um, it's about a guy who buys a boat,

but the boat turns out to be possessed.

Like Christine.

- I'm sorry? - Christine by Stephen King.

The guy buys a car and it's possessed.

- Um, but this is about a boat. - So it's like Speed 2?

Starring...?

Sandra Bullock, yes, of course, and...

- Keanu Reeves? - Jason Patric.

- I am the biggest Jason Patric fan. - Jason Patric, heh.

- Lost Boys. Kiefer. - "They're not lost, they're vampires."

- They got lost. - All right. Let's roll.

Your classroom is actually right next to mine. I can walk you if you want.

Um, yeah. That would be great.

You are so fucking ugly.

If my butthole had a butthole, that's what you'd look like.

Yeah, you look like my butthole's ass.

You look like you got chicken pox.

If chicken pox was made out of haemorrhoids.

Yeah, if chicken pox was made out of my ass.

And here we are. Fourth grade, that's me, heh.

And you're right up there. Good luck. Holler if you need anything.

Or you can ask Wade. The athletic office is right down there.

Yeah, what's with that guy? He seems like a bit of a dick.

Heh. He's my boyfriend.

Sorry, I'm late. I was helping a friend out.

Eric, what is that? You just put that right down now.

Hey, did somebody order a sub?

Tough crowd, heh.

My uncle's cancer

took his stomach.

But his divorce

took his mind.

Anyhoo...

That was my weekend. Let's begin class.

Maybe we were created by an all-knowing God

who sent down his only son to die for us,

or maybe we were monkey people who sat around

crapping in each other's mouths until one day we were like:

"I don't like all this hair. Just on my head and crotch, please."

Who can say?

I can't, because the State of Illinois doesn't allow me to, Hank.

I know I'm the substitute, but I'm also a friend.

It wasn't so long ago that I was sitting exactly where you are.

In fact, don't tell those other teachers,

but I want you to call me by my first name.

- "Cunt"? - What?

No. You can't say...

OK, no. Uh, my name is Clint.

You know what? Just call me Mr. Hadson.