The Mighty Boosh

So, are you all set for tonight?

Yeah. We're really grateful for this. We've had a tough week.

- How come? - Our singer got pushed in a canal by a gorilla.

- By a gorilla? In Dalston? - Yeah, I know. He somehow survived,

- then got backed over by a wizard in a van. - 12 times.

- Finished him of. - Really? You've had a shocker.

So what will you do? Have you got a new singer?

Not yet. I think we'll have to do an instrumental set. It's a bit of a shame.

I've got an idea. It's a crazy idea, but I'm gonna be at the gig anyway, and I can sing.

I know all the lyrics to your songs, and I was mucking about on Photoshop the other day

and accidentally Photoshopped my own head over your dead singer's face.

Out of grief more than anything. I don't know. What do you think?

Save you auditioning anyone else.

Vince, you're a nice guy and you've got a good look, but... you ever played football?

- Yeah. Why? - Your legs are a bit muscular.

- We've got a thin-legs policy in this band. - I've got thin legs.

- No, chicken drummers, mate. - Look, come on, guys. I could do this.

- I could be your singer. It'll be amazing. - I tell you what. If you can get into these...

the gig's yours.

They'll be fine. They look a bit baggy, if anything. Yeah, easy.

I'll see you tonight for the gig. And give my condolences to Neville's family.

- You mean Nathan. - Whatever.

Come with us now on a journey through time and space.

To the world of "The Mighty Boosh".

Life is pain.

Suicide is freedom.

Coming up next, a seven-hour documentary about Danish avant-garde cinema.

Oh, yes.

- This is never gonna work. - What do you mean?

You're never gonna wither your legs using a wheelchair. It's insanity.

You don't know. Maybe if I don't use them, I'll drop a size.

I will get into those drainpipes. I will.

- Why don't you just accept it? - What do you mean?

You've got muscular legs, like a football player. That needn't be a bad thing.

It didn't get in the way for Van Morrison.

He shufled to the top on his beefy Celtic drummers.

Can you not mention Van Morrison?

- He's a Nik Nak in a ginger wig. - Why are you letting it get to you?

I've got to get in this band and they've got a drainpipe policy.

Stop mocking me. Come and watch tonight. It's gonna be good.

- My nights are genius. - I don't think so. I've got other things to do.

- As if you've got anything to do. - What?

Gonna go to Lester Corncrake's house, stick your phone up his arse and ring him?

- That was a mistake. - Yeah, right.

He doesn't see very well. He sat on the phone,

and I was ringing him to find out where it was.

He thought a bumblebee had gone up him. It was quite traumatic for him.

- I wanna know how he answered it. - It was a bit weird.

Why don't you come along? My nights, they're genius.

I don't think so. You know what I'm doing?

I'm gonna see Jurgen Haabemaaster speak about his latest project.

- Who? - Jurgen Haabemaaster. Know who he is?

Only the leading exponent of avant-garde cinema working in Denmark today.

Incredible mind. You know what he once did?

He once strapped 14 cameras to the back of a dying swan and hurled it into a supermarket.

Unbelievable footage.

Never saw that. Have you seen Herbie Goes Bananas?

It's called culture, something you wouldn't know about.

My nights are packed full of culture.

Black Tubes? That's just men in tight trousers howling.

It's not just music. It's about cabaret now, it's coming back.

You've got to have variety. We've got dancing girls, an actor.

- An actor? Who have you got? - We've got Sammy the Crab.

Sammy the Crab? Are you joking?

- He's the best actor of his generation. - Get real. He's awful.

- What? He'd be in Hollywood now. - What, if he wasn't a crab?

No, if he wasn't keeping it real in theatre.

- His eyes are on stalks. - Yeah, he uses that to his advantage.

Have you seen his one-man version of Streetcar Named Desire?

It's the seminal Kowalski. You can't go back to Brando after you've seen Sammy.

12 encores. Took his little vest of, threw it into the crowd.

I caught it. Look. That's gonna be worth something one day.

Hey, Vincey.

Howard Moon, as I breathe and stink. How are you?

I'm doing pretty good, Fossil, yeah. Things are going OK and...

Boring. Hey, are you still trying to sell these jazz records?

Or, as I like to say, these liquid discs of shit.

- Yes, they're selling very well, thank you. - Ooh.

I'm Howard Moon and I know how to use my talkie round hole!

Hey, Vince, how are the legs?

Not bad. I've gone down three sizes.

Two sizes to go and I am in those drainpipes.

Beauteous. You get into the band, you get me in as a manager.

You're my little golden boy. You're my shower monkey.

You're my two-ton circle of fun! Hey, and I got this poster too.

- Cool. - (screeches)

And listen, we got a big-shot director coming down to see Sammy the Crab.

Is there any room on the door?

The guestlist is a little tight. What's his name?

Jurgen Haabemaaster.

OK, he can come, but no plus-one. I'm chocka.

OK, bye.

- Hey, Vince. Cup of tea? - What?

- Cup of tea or a sandwich? - There's no way.

- You don't even know what I'm gonna say. - I do.

- Put me on at the club tonight. - Oh, really?

I unleash my raw acting chops, blow Sammy of the stage,

- Jurgen puts me in his latest project. - You can't act.

Oh, really? Well, what then, pray, is this?

- I don't know. What is that? - Me as Hamlet. You didn't know about that.

You've never actually played Hamlet.

I know. But had I, that's what I would look like.

You knocked that up at the photocopy centre. It's just bizarre.

Give me a break. All I need is one shot. It's my number-one dream to work with Jurgen.

I thought in your number-one dream you had a boxing glove on your head and a minge.

OK, it's in my top four. Please.

I've only seen you act at school. Remember? We did Aladdin.

You were the genie. You froze in your gold trousers. Mr Freeze we called you.

You got bottled of by Year 9. The headmaster got you in a headlock.

That was years ago. I can act any time. Just watch me.

You can't act when other people are in the room.

A cheese plant can send you into a panic.

- Cheese plants can be judgmental. - I'd like to help, but I can't. It's my night.

If you freeze, it's gonna be me carrying you out of there like a post.

I don't freeze any more. That was when I was a young boy.

Now I'm a grown man. I'm loose. I'm at ease with myself.

Just let me release a couple of my chops for Jurgen tonight, please.

- Perhaps just one chop. - All right.

- Yes! - I'll give you an audition.

What are you doing? Howard, have you frozen?

Oh. There aren't any auditions.

Oh. OK.

- You'd better not do that tonight. - That was a joke. I was joking with you.

- Cool. I'll put you on in the second half. - (ice crackles)

Hey, Vincey, I've just been on the internet.

I've got some ideas on how to get your pins down.

- Really? - OK, follow me.

Let's do it. Let's go, baby.

The Doctor and the Pencil is one of my first films.

It is an exploration of pain and rage.

Saying that, the film is playful and comedic too.

Make the calll

Make the calll Fucking make the calll

Yeahl

Yeahl

So playful.

Howard?

Help me.

- Thanks. - What's the matter?

I'll tell you what the matter is.

I just can't act.

Yeah, I see what you mean. The thing about acting, Howard, it's about motivation.

- Remember when I was in Candide? - I didn't know you were in that.

I did a lot of French period drama before I worked in Megabowl.

- I remember in one scene I had to be upset. - What did you do?

What I did was I looked back to the most traumatic period of my life,

the time I was most angry.

It was when Pete stole my trainers. I went berserk.

And I took that emotion and I used it in the scene.

Mr De Beauvois, your conduct this evening has been intolerable.

I've a good mind to thrash you, so you'd better explain yourself before I do.

Never mind that. Where are my trainers?! I need 'em for work!

What, am I supposed to go to Megabowl with my socks on?

- Thanks for that, Naboo. - Don't mention it.

I did a bit of acting once.

I was in Home and Away.

I played Carol.

- Ah, top of the evening to you. - Hi.

- What can I get for you, fella? - I'll just have a whisky, please.

Looks like you've got the weight of the world on your shoulders.

Know what I do when I'm down in the dumps?

I jump over the neighbour's fence, take his cat and twist his neck.

Just twist it a little bit, then twist it some more,

then kick him and then throw him down and then twist his neck some more. And...

- Just get a whisky, please. - Coming right up.

- Bad day? - Yeah, you could say that.

- What's wrong? - I was all set to go on stage,

a big-shot director was gonna be there, but I can't act. I just...

I just can't act!

- Yes, that wasn't great, was it? - I freeze up, you know? I've got stage fright.

Ah, the chokes. Old chokey. Chokus-pocus.

Many a fine actor sufered from the chokes.

John Gielgud, Richard Harris, Peter O'Toole. All sufered from the chokes.

I remember talking to Gielgud about it. He was furious with himself.

- You've actually met Gielgud? - He was my understudy for a year, the bitch.

- Who are you? - Cast your eyes across my portrait, yonder.

My God!

You're Paul Weller.

No, the next one along.

- Bruce Foxton? - The next portrait along.

- Montgomery Flange! - Ah, at your service.

You were the greatest actor of your generation.

You disappeared, though. What happened?

It's a sad story. I won't bore you with it.

It was about 1976, I think it was. I was in my heyday. Everything was going right for me.

Rave reviews, the lot. I wanted this part. I wanted it so bad.

I prepared for it for months, but I was pipped to the post by another actor.

Confidence shattered, lost my wife.

Everything turned to shit.

Apart from a brief stint playing bass for The Style Council, I've not worked since.

- Monty, I've got an idea. - Hm?

You're a great actor, I need training up. Why don't you train me?

Take the chokes of me, train me up as an actor.

No, no, no. I don't do that any more. Thank you, but, no, no, no.

I suppose Sammy will be getting ready to go on stage now.

- Who? - Sammy the Crab.

No! No, Sammy!

No, Sammy the Crab! No, Sammy the Crab! I hate him!

He was the one I lost the part to, the one who ran of with my wife.

Oh, there's not a day goes by when I don't want to kill Sammy,