Trying

We were the oldest people in that bar by, like, ten years.

No. I saw the manager come down and do a till reading.

- He was at least 28. -

I'm so tired.

- It's 10:35 and I'm tired. -

Why does it say Thursday?

Jason, why does my phone say it's Thursday?

- I mean, it's Thursday, so... - No, I thought it was Wednesday.

- Well, it's not. No. - Oh, shit.

What? What?

- Well, I ovulated on Wednesday. - Shit.

That was the window. Monday to Wednesday was the window.

- The window is shutting, Jason. - Well, how quickly?

Quickly. Why didn't you tell me it was Thursday?

It'd be weird if I kept telling you what day of the week it was.

- I just assume you know days. - I'm less fertile now.

- I can totally feel it. - Listen. Look. Look.

A couple of minutes isn't gonna make a difference, is it?

We are miles away from home, and every hour the chances go down. Like, a lot.

For everyone's security,

please inform the driver of anything suspicious.

- What? What are you doing? - We're doing it now.

- We can't. - No one's watching.

Well...

The one old lady on the bus, and she's fast asleep.

But we're on a bus.

We're just sneaking one in under the buzzer.

- Nikki. Nikki, no. - Well, this is happening.

- So, just get used to it. - No.

- I can't just do it. - Just focus. Focus and put a baby in me.

Out of order.

Help me out a bit then. I can't...

- Yeah, there you go. All right. - Yeah.

Okay. Yeah. Mm.

- What's the matter? - She's putting me off.

- Well, don't look at her. Look at me. - Okay.

- Look at me. - Okay.

- What if... What if she wakes up? - She won't.

- Well, she might. - Just stop talking then.

- Okay. That's it. - Oh, just close your eyes.

All right.

No, I can see her even more clearly in my mind now.

Oh, for God's sake.

- Okay. That's it. - Okay. Yeah.

- Yeah? Yeah. - That's it. Yeah, that's it.

Okay. Okay.

- - Oh, yeah.

- - Oh!

- -

Next stop, Eldon Square.

Evening.

- I swear, I think that was it. - Yeah.

That was the baby.

So what you're saying is, "No baby"?

What, ever?

Well, I'm looking at an AMH count of under two.

Really? Are you sure? 'Cause it definitely feels higher than that.

I think conceiving through IVF using your own eggs is very unlikely.

So, what... what do we do now?

Well, you could try again.

Though, you have no embryos left.

It would be a case of self-funding.

Are you kidding?

I mean, we... we could buy a baby for that.

We could literally... I could go on the Internet, buy a baby.

I have to say that, with your complications,

the chance of success would be very low.

So, I can't have a baby?

Let me get you another leaflet.

So, what do we do now?

A small piece of us dies, and we just carry on with whatever's left.

- All right. As long as we got a plan. - Well, what else?

- We can keep trying. - She said it was pointless.

- No, she didn't say that. - She said it with her eyes, Jason.

Yeah, but how do we even know she's a good doctor?

She was Asian. We didn't get the one bad Asian doctor.

How can I miss something I've never had?

Come here.

- - Whoo!

- He's so lovely. - Yeah. He's cute.

He really is.

- Oh. - Oh.

- Oh. - Okay.

Uh-oh.

- - That's it. Oh, dear.

You want your mommy, don't you?

I've always had the urge to push in that soft bit on the top of their head.

No, don't worry. I never would.

Oh, okay. Thanks.

- You don't have kids? - Oh, no, no, no.

I'm just focusing on my career at the minute.

Oh, what do you do?

I work for Vista Car Rental.

On the phones.

Great. Well done.

Thank you.

- What is it that you do? - I'm the fashion editor for Teen Vogue.

Oh, okay. Well, well done too.

She's the only one of my clients who isn't a complete monster.

I'm only half a monster.

We have actually been trying for kids for a while now.

It gets much harder to have a baby in your 30s.

- Oh, does it, Freddy? Not heard that one. - It's so worth it though.

When you leave that hospital with a child, everything changes.

Yes, it does.

Yeah. It's like you don't have to look for the love.

It's just there, you know?

- Hmm. -

- Beautiful baby. - Thank you.

- - Oh.

I hope he doesn't grow up to be a prick.

You know one of those kids is called Zephyr?

- "Zephyr"? - Yeah, Zephyr.

That's not a name. That's a Dropbox password.

- And I'm sorry... -

But that woman's baby really wasn't that cute.

- Had a funny-shaped head. - Yes. Funny-shaped head.

It's like someone made it in beginner's pottery.

And also, no one mentions the bad stuff.

Not one person today talked about postnatal depression.

I mean, God forbid that we blow the whole patriarchal conspiracy wide open.

Do you think you might bum people out

if you start speaking about postnatal depression at a baby shower?

- Yeah, maybe. - Maybe. Mm.

Thank you for letting me be mean about our friends.

Oh, my God. You're so welcome.

You want sex?

'Kay.

- What? - There was a pause.

- There wasn't. - There was a pause.

- There never used to be a pause. - There wasn't a...

Fine. There was a bit of a pause, but I've just had a big dinner.

And it's 1:00 in the morning. Give me a couple of minutes. I'll get...

- Do you still enjoy having sex with me? - Absolutely, yes.

As much as you used to?

- Yes. - Wow. Wow.

- Another pause. - Look, I've seen the film before.

So, I'm not on the edge of my seat the way I was the first time.

But it's still, literally, my favorite film of all time.

I find new things in it every time I watch it. I...

All right, is it over? Do you want to break up?

Okay. Yeah, lovely. Let's break up.

And then when people ask you, "Why did you break up?"

You can say, "Oh, there was a pause."

And then everyone's gonna think you're nuts.

And they're gonna stay friends with me instead of you.

- See? - What?

This is what happens to people without kids.

Just slowly become bored by each other.

I am not bored of you.

When we first met, we spent hours on the phone talking.

- We don't do that now. - We live together now, don't we?

- That would be a bit weird, wouldn't it? - Jason, you know what I mean.

If we were still on the phones together.

I think I'm ready to talk about adopting.

Yeah?

- Okay. Okay. - Yeah?

Yeah. No. Yeah. I mean. Brilli... Yes. Let's talk.

Okay.

I know it sounds bad...

but do you think they'd feel like someone else's child?

I think they probably would, at first. Yeah.

But I think, you know, you would wear 'em in like trainers.

You know what the best thing would be? If we took no funny-shaped heads.

- Really? - Yeah.

We could swipe left past the funny-shaped-headed ones.

- I don't think it works like that. - It's exactly how it works.

People are gonna come from miles around to see our perfectly round-headed baby.

- Be a source of extra income for us. - Would it?

Because people will wanna draw her.

But people won't be able to draw her head freehand, will they?

Because it's so perfectly round.

- They have to use a compass. - Use a compass. Yeah.

Or they can draw around a saucer. There's options.

Yeah, I'd like that.

- Now, please may we have sex now? - No.

Oh, go on.

- - It's a good call. Being pregnant sucks.

- Right. When were you pregnant? - I've been pregnant.

Really? How long for?

Um, like, four, five months, I suppose.

Oh, my God. Jen! I had no idea. I'm so sorry.

Oh, no, not all in one go.

Just a week here, a week there, you know?

Oh, right.

So, you gonna go foreign? I would. They're less entitled.

Oh, I don't know. We're just talking at the minute.

Do you just pick one? Or is it like an auction?

No, see, you register with an agency.

They make sure you're nice, then you just meet some kids.

- Why would anyone bother getting pregnant? - Yeah, I know.

I mean, they won't look like us.

Well, that's good.

Cheers, mate. That's nice.

Hi. Thanks for holding.

Yeah. I just checked with my boss, and I'm afraid that is the cheapest we can do.

Have you thought about hitchhiking?

Look at that bromelia.

It's given me nothing.

Venezuelan.