Harley Quinn

Can I help you?

Oh, Hi, there.

Where did you come from?

I'm just waiting for the museum to open.

Just a normal shark

doing normal shark things.

Don't... Don't worry about me.

We got 'em! It's go time.

Halt! Thieves.

Aquaman?

Yes, noble guard. It is I, The Aquaman,

protector of the deep blue and all its inhabitants.

It is an honor.

I will apprehend these air breathers.

You give chase to their co-conspirators.

Yes, my liege.

All right, let's get outta here--

Ow!

I spoil your little party?

Ha-ha! It is I, Aquaman,

son of Atlan, heir to the throne of Atlantis.

I must say, King Shark,

your mother would be most displeased

to find you in this plebeian company.

You're not my dad!

That is contrary to what she said.

Ah-ha-hoy!

Let us now dispense with the levity.

I am going to need the Atlantean jewels

with which you absconded.

Bravo!

What magnificent word choice.

You are truly the Shakespeare of the sea.

I prefer to think of myself

as the Dickens of the Deep.

Hey. Deep Dickens.

Let's wrap up this episode of Frasier

so we can get back to getting the hell out of here.

She certainly is that.

What did that dolphin say about me?

Oh, I don't speak dolphin.

I know a little porpoise, but--

What villainous reject have you deigned to summon?

Did somebody call for... kelp?

Unkelp me, plant witch.

Let's go.

Yes. Run. Run!

I, Aquaman, will retrieve my family's jewels,

and the sirens will sing of my revenge for eterni--

Ow... Juba? A little help?

Harley Quinn and her crew made Aquaman look like a member

of the Justice B League this afternoon,

and made off with a set of ancient Atlantean jewels.

The standout of the crew was Poison Ivy...

I'm so sick of hearing this.

Um, I am not part of the crew.

I was asked for a favor. I provided said favor.

End of story.

Holy shit! Guys, guys, listen.

"Dear Ms. Quinn,

based on your recent evil efforts,

the Legion of Doom invites you and your crew

to our headquarters to discuss further possibilities."

Guys, this is what we've been workin' towards.

Dump Joker, check.

Get noticed by the Legion of Doom, check.

Oh! I did it!

Even though no one said I could run a crew.

What? Hello. Hi.

I said that you could run a crew.

Yeah, but you're my friend.

Uh, come on, it's like when your mom says

you're the prettiest girl in school.

That's what my mom said.

Shark genitalia is very hard to see. Until it isn't.

This is huge for us.

Means we might get to move out of this shithole.

I will have you know, Norm Dilfer,

the Carpet King of Gotham

found this mall more than satisfactory.

What the heck is that noise?

Oh yeah, that shit's been keepin' me up.

I haven't been able to get a lick of sleep for days.

I... I didn't hear any noise.

And you can count me out of this Legion of Doom business.

Hey Harley, since I've been banned for life,

I probably shouldn't come.

But maybe you can mention I'm reformed

and I don't call women anymore?

You know, don't push it, but if it comes up organically.

Yeah, I don't really see a scenario

where that comes up organically,

but I'll get ya in.

Well, congrats, Harls.

You're on the verge of achieving your dream

and I... I really do wish I could be there to see it.

But your name's on the invitation. You gotta come.

Well, that's clearly a misprint because I'm--

Not in the crew. We've heard.

Yeah. What they said.

Fine. Be like that.

I guess if I run into Joker there,

I'll just deal with it

without my best friend by my side.

Okay, I'll go.

I knew you would.

Pretty cool, huh?

All the heavy hitters,

Sinestro, Lex Luthor, Roger Goodell.

Ooh, uh, FYI, we stand for the anthem here.

This is the big leagues of evil.

Oh! Think this might interest you.

It goes throughout the entire office.

Is that a fake diver and a castle?

Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

That's a real diver, and you're free to eat him.

A real diver?

A real diver?

Is it my birthday?

Ah, what'd I tell ya about this place?

Did I lie? Did I fuckin' lie? I did not fuckin' lie.

Also heard we have an actor here.

We do improv every Wednesday.

Huzzah!

And we've got every resource your crew could want.

So, you've got a fish tank and you do improv?

Wow, you're my shitty college boyfriend.

Oh, all right, yeah, I mean,

did your college boyfriend have...

A kryptonite-powered submarine

that can turn into a car and shoot missiles.

We have three of them.

And they're available to our members at any time.

Harley. So glad you could make it.

Lex, this place is amazing.

Not too bad, huh?

The grenade vending machine and Kombucha on tap.

I mean, you guys thought of everything.

I've been watching you ever since you went solo,

and I haven't seen an evil rising star like you

since, well, since me.

Hey, buddy?

Now that you're done kissing your own asshole...

That's not a phrase.

...why are we here?

Look, I'm sure you know about prospective member night.

Where every Legion member can nominate someone to join?

Well, Harley, guess who I nominated? You.

So, come back tonight for the party,

meet everyone, see how you mesh,

and, maybe if it goes well,

you could be the next member of the LOD.

That's what we call the Legion of Doom.

Oh, is that what it stand for?

I thought it was Legion of Dildos.

That is a sex shop down the street

with whom we're currently in a protracted legal battle.

So, I'll see you guys tonight? Uh, damn right you will.

Oh, hey, do I need to get my parking validated?

We don't validate.

So evil.

Hey, let's hit the gift shop.

They have those mini-license plates

with your name on 'em.

Oh, um, yeah, yeah, knock yourself out.

I... I'm gonna catch up with you in a bit.

Hey, so what is your deal?

Like, why are you suddenly so interested in Harley

after treating her like shit for months?

Do you know how many invitations we've sent to you?

Jesus, I dunno, millions.

Calm down, it's 148. And every time you rebuff us.

Because I don't want to join

your self-important sausage party.

Hey. We have a woman. Good for you.

I'm blanking on her name right now, but she's lovely.

Great.

Do you want to play around or you want to get serious?

Love that.

You're the only one that can do that,

which is why you're right.

I don't want Harley. I want you.

Then why did you fuckin' invite her?

Why did the Golden Globes nominate The Martian for best comedy?

They wanted Matt Damon to show.

In this metaphor, you're Matt Damon.

Yes, okay, I get it.

It was just a very stupid and outdated reference.

I don't see a lot of movies.

Look, I'm not joining the Legion of Doom, okay?

Or the LOD or the whatever.

That's totally fine.

Oh, just one thing I forget to mention.

If you don't join, Harley doesn't get in either.

Okay, they don't have Harley,

but this is close enough. Isn't this place awesome?

God damn it!

Son of a bitch.

I didn't hear a damn thing.

What? You didn't here that?