Patch Adams

All of life is a coming home.

Salesmen, secretaries, coal miners, beekeepers, sword swallowers...

All of us.

All the restless hearts of the world...

all trying to find a way home.

It's hard to describe what I felt like then.

Picture yourself walking for days in a driving snow.

You don't even know you're walking in circles...

The heaviness of your legs in the drifts;

your shouts disappearing into the wind.

How small you can feel.

How far away home can be.

Home.

The dictionary defines it as both a place of origin...

and a goal or destination.

And the storm?

The storm was all in my mind.

Or, as the poet Dante put it...

"In the middle of the journey of my life I found myself in a dark wood...

for I had lost the right path."

Eventually I would find the right path...

but in the most unlikely place.

How many fingers do you see?

You crazy... Stop sneakin' up on me like that.

How many?

- Four. - Four?

Four?

Another idiot.

You gon' love it here.

Got a new one, Jane. Hunter Adams.

Self-committed. Suicidal. Slate him with Dr. Prack.

All right.

Hey, Rudy! What's the word, my man?

He ain't left that bed in three weeks. He won't give you any trouble.

He needs another bedpan. They're in the closet. Wake-up is 7:00 a.m.

Excuse me.

Is there any way I could have my own room?

Oh, absolutely.

Just call the concierge and ask for a suite overlooking the fountain.

No, I-I prefer the cabana room.

Get some sleep.

Hi.

Hi.

You're, um...

you're a lot... fuzzier than my last roommate.

Oh. Yeah.

Keeps me warm.

Aaaah!

- What's wrong? - Get 'em away!

- Get what away? - Get 'em... Get 'em away!

- Okay, I'm gonna have to... - You traitor!

You brought 'em with you when you opened the door!

Who?

We need help in here!

Somebody!

- All right. - No! No! No!

They'll get me! Don't take me down! They'll get me! No!

Don't let the squirrels get me! Please!

Don't let the squirrels get me!

Aaah!

That was a squirrel bite!

Squirrels.

My father died when I was nine.

He was in the army. He wasn't home very much.

Two weeks before he died...

he told me that in the Korean War...

it felt like he'd lost his soul.

All this time I thought it was me.

I moved seven times in the last year.

I've, uh, had several jobs.

Nothing seemed to fit.

I don't seem to fit.

And when your father died, how did that make you feel?

I don't know. I was nine.

It was like there was this distinction, suddenly...

between you and the rest of the world.

I looked around me.

Life went on just like it did before.

But it wasn't like it was before.

My uncle helped. He would visit.

He at least listened.

And I thought...

if I could light my own farts I could fly to the moon, or at least Uranus.

But if I couldn't do that at least I could use my penis as a pogo stick...

and that might be a way of getting around.

I'm sorry?

Yes, that's good. Mm-hmm.

Well, I think you're making fine progress, Hunter. We'll talk later in group.

Thank you.

Four. Four? Four!

Ohh! Four! Ohh!

You are all insane! Insane! Four!

Arthur Mendelson.

The Arthur Mendelson?

Brand Beaton Industries.

Guy was one of the most innovative minds of our time.

Look at him now. He can't even count the windows.

God. What happened to him? Why is he here?

Self-committed. Genius syndrome. Howard Hughes-type shit.

Constantly digging into the creative potential of the human mind.

I guess he dug too deep.

This is real wood.

Rowff!

W-Why are we meeting in here? It's cramped.

Well, Everton, we're meeting in here so that Rudy can participate.

- It's cramped. - Does anyone else have a thought on that?

- Cramped! - I think he has a question.

Do you find that funny, Hunter, making fun of a man's infirmity?

Maybe he does have a question. He's alive.

- He's catatonic. - Well, he still has a brain.

- Maybe he wants to participate too. - Yeah.

Maybe he has a question.

Yeah, maybe.

Maybe he knows why we're cramped!

Maybe Beany knows a lot more than we give him credit for.

Excuse me. Beany? Which way is heaven?

That's correct!

That'll be enough, Hunter.

Beany, how much taller is Wilt Chamberlain than you?

Right.

Hey, Beany! Beany! Where's the ceiling?

That's enough. Stop it.

Where do the birds fly, Beany?

How do you say hello to Hitler?

Beany, how does Hitler say hello?

How do you check an elephant for a hernia?

Who would win a staring contest? Beany!

Who... Who farted?

Beany!

- Who likes to masturbate? - Yea!

I do! I do!

Hey, Beany, how does an one-armed referee say "field goal"?

Ha ha! Hey, Beany!

Ciao, Beany! Arigato, Beany!

Bye, Beany.

It was a really good session, I thought.

May I come in?

If you bend your medial collateral ligaments...

and place one talus in front of another...

I don't see where you'd have a problem.

Of course, if there were a news story covering this event...

the headline might read: "Small Brain Enters Room."

The fingers. What's the answer?

Oh, you're another one of those bright young fellows...

who always know the right answer, is that it?

Welcome to real life.

How many do you see?

- There are four fingers, Arthur. - No, no, no. Look at me.

What?

Y-You're focusing on the problem.

If you focus on the problem, you can't see the solution.

Never focus on the problem. Look at me!

How many do you see?

No, look beyond the fingers.

How many do you see?

Eight.

Eight. Eight. Yes! Yes!

Eight's a good answer. Yes.

See what no one else sees.

See what everyone else chooses not to see...

out of fear and conformity and laziness.

See the whole world anew each day.

Ah, the truth is, you're well on the way.

If you didn't see something here...

besides a crazy, bitter old man...

you wouldn't have come in the first place.

What do you see when you look at me, Arthur?

You fixed my cup.

I'll see you around...

Patch.

Rudy, stop.

You're throwing off my rhythm.

You'll go blind.

- Please. - I have to go to the bathroom.

Then go. It's right over there, 15 feet away.

- I would, but... - But what? The squirrels?

- How many? - There's only one just now.

You can't go to the bathroom because of one squirrel?

If I get off the bed, he'll get the others.

That's not the point.

They're squirrels.

Squirrels, Rudy.

- They're one of the most amiable creatures on the planet. - Oh, no, they're not.

On the list of hostile predators, they're right above the bottom...

just above baby chicks and slugs.

What could they possibly want? Your nuts?

- Do you think? - Oh, Rudy.

- Come on, I'll take you. - Don't move.

- Don't move. - Another one?

It's on the end of your bed, on the rail.

Be careful. It's gonna jump.

- There's one, at the end of the bed! - Bang!

There's one runnin' across the sprinkler!

- Boom! - In back of the door! Back of the door!

Coming out of the bathroom!

Bathroom! Bathroom! Bathroom! Bathroom!

Yea!

Eat lead, fur bag! Blam! Ha-ha!

- You're cured... Aaah! - You've got one on your shoulder!

Get it off me! Get it off me!