black-ish

Okay, so, I'm just your standard, regular ol' incredibly handsome,

unbelievably charismatic black dude.

Now, this drooling, pigment-challenged,

mixed-race woman is my wife, Rainbow.

And, despite what she looks like right now, she's a doctor.

We're lucky.

We've got a great house, four great kids, and my Pops.

It's a far cry from where it all began.

That's why I promised my parents I'd get an education,

graduate, and get myself out of there.

I guess for a kid from the hood, I'm living the American Dream.

The only problem is, whatever American had this dream probably wasn't where I'm from.

And if he was, he should've mentioned the part

about how when brothers start getting a little money,

stuff starts getting a little weird... like in my neighborhood.

Sometimes I feel like a bit of an oddity.

And if you look to your left,

you'll see the mythical and majestic Black Family

out of their natural habitat and yet still thriving.

Go ahead and wave. They'll wave right back.

- They're smiling. Hi. Hello. - The little ones are cute.

They're just... just amazing.

Sometimes I worry that, in an effort to make it,

black folks have dropped a little bit of their culture

and the rest of the world has picked it up.

They even renamed it "Urban".

And in the "Urban" world,

Justin Timberlake and Robin Thicke are R&B Gods,

Kim Kardashian's the symbol for big butts,

and Asian guys are just unholdable on the dance floor.

Come on! Big butts? R&B and dancing?

Those were the black man's go-tos!

I'm definitely not complaining.

I love my life.

And not that I want to go back

to the days of being the big scary black guy.

But I have to admit...

it did kind of have its advantages.

::::: :::::

Even though we were close, my Pops had a weird way

of showing he loved me. Hey, Pops.

Hey, hey, son, can I just get some coffee in me

before you start with all that mess?

And by "weird," I meant he didn't show it at all.

- Good morning, Zoey. - Hey, dad.

Are you wearing that awful cologne again?

- Why? - Because it smells like you're

wearing the awful cologne again.

Did seem like a pretty straightforward question there, son.

Right?

Nice try. I'm not gonna let you ruin my day.

Good morning, Mr. Senior Vice President.

- Mwah! Hey. - Hey, baby. Hear that, Pops?

Stevens is announcing my SVP promotion at work today.

Yeah, and if you'd have joined that black firm,

like I told you, you'd have been Mr. President five years ago.

Yeah, but for half the money.

So? It's a black company.

You got to make an adjustment for the negro inflation tax.

Pops, I am gonna be the first black SVP at Stevens & Lido.

This job is about more than just money to me.

It's about breaking down barriers.

Yeah. Breaking down barriers... equally important to money.

But just so that I'm clear, there is a salary increase, right?

- Okay. - Yes, baby. All right. Hey, Junior.

Mm, mm, mm, mm! Unh!

- All right, all right. Let's go. - All right.

Oh, why don't y'all go get a room?

I can't believe I marched on Washington

and fought for my country to watch y'all do that mess.

You shot yourself in the foot to get out of the army.

And you were in D.C. for an Isley Brothers concert.

- You shot yourself? - Can we see?

- Look here. - Pops.

I want to see!

Why do you have to get to school so early, son?

Oh, uh, tryouts are today.

I want to get a little extra work in so I'd be ready.

Okay. Work on the handle.

Lock down that point-guard spot.

Um... there's no point guards in field hockey, dad.

Field hockey?!

Man, isn't that a woman's sport?

Nope. Um, a lot of people think that, though.

A lot of people never think about field hockey, man.

What happened? We were hoopin' all summer long.

I thought you were gonna try out for the team,

show these valley glen boys The Johnson Family jumper.

The Johnson Family what? Dad, you didn't hit one jump shot all summer.

Hey.

It's not about the accuracy, son, all right?

The family is known for our form.

Look at that. Look at that elbow. Look at that.

Right. Anyway, I thought about playing hoop,

but all my friends are fee-hocking it this year,

so I figured, you know, when in Rome...

W... when in Rome?

You are not in Rome! You're in L.A.!

You know what?

I'm not gonna let you ruin my day.

Field hockey.

- What's up, Mr. J? - What's up, Zach?

- What's up, Andy? - What's up?

"Andy"? That's not even close to "Andre".

I think it says I'm edgy but approachable.

I think it says, "I hate my father and I play field hockey".

Well, Zach thinks it's cool, and it's also a derivative of "Andre".

We discussed it, and I think I like that...

There were so few of us at Stevens & Lido that being black made you feel like

you were part of a little family.

So when one of us made it, it was kind of like we all did.

And right now, I was that one.

I'm not saying I was the Jackie Robinson of Stevens & Lido advertising or anything,

but, I mean, if other people were saying it,

they wouldn't be wrong.

Hold on a second.

- Killer Kris. - Big Dre, what up?

Or should I say "Mr. Senior Vee-peezy"?

This is my assistant, Kris.

Notice how I do the shake with him.

That's because I consider him an honorary brother.

- Hey, Kris, let me ask you a question. - Yeah.

Did you ever want to play the same sport your dad played in high school?

Are you kidding? Of course.

My dad was a frickin' field-hockey God.

Meeting's in 10.

Whatever.

Yo! Dr. Dre!

This is Josh. Um... not an honorary brother.

Just "Andre".

All right, sorry, "Andre", hey bro...

Uh-oh, I mean Andre,

listen, we're working on this folgers copy,

and we wanted to know how you think a black guy

would say "good morning".

Hmm.

Probably just like that.

Cool. Cool, cool, cool.

Hey, hey, Stevens called a meeting, and I think something big might be up.

- Really? - Yeah.

You know, I'm hearing "historic,"

"game-changing" being tossed around.

Could just be office gossip. Ha ha!

If I could have your attention...

At Stevens & Lido, there was a clear separation

between lower management...

and upper management.

And that always made me feel like it was us...

- versus them. - Get ready to work.

Even our snacks were divided.

We get cheetos and grape soda, while they always get what looks like a medieval feast!

Let's eat, let's eat! Ha ha.

That's why this promotion was such a big deal.

For once, one of us

was going to get a chance to be one of them.

More wine! More wine!

To us!

Like my daddy said,

you chase a squirrel, you better be prepared to eat his nuts.

All right, uh...

I'm sure you've all heard I have an announcement.

Uh, myself and the board have decided to up

a new Senior Vice President here in the company.

What?! ha ha!

That's crazy! Oh, my God!

Hey, hey, but very wise.

Yeah. Yeah.

And this new SVP will also be heading up

our creative presentation

to grab the $250 million L.A. tourism account.

All right.

It is a big deal for us. We need a home run here.

Sabrina, I'm not gonna forget about you when I become one of them, all right?

Excuse me. Excuse me. All right.

- Uh, excuse me. Yeah. - Change who we are.

So, without any further ado, I would like us all to give a warm congrats

to the SVP of our new Urban division, Andre Johnson!

Huh?!

That's right.

- Andre! - Uh, I'm... I'm sorry.

Uh... did you say "Urban"?

Urban division.

Wait. Did they just put me in charge of black stuff?

I don't like the social media at the table.

- Junior, pass the hot sauce. - I told you that.

Okay. Hello! Okay.

To my husband, Senior Vice President.

- Yes! - Yeah!

- Congrats to my son! - Yeah!

Finally made it, son.

- Finally made it... - Holla!

To head puppet of the white man.

Oh, Pops. Come on. You're here to celebrate him.

Actually, you told me I was coming over to eat fried chicken.

- I have no idea what the hell this is. - It's fried chicken.

- Really? - It's baked fried chicken.

Oh, so fried fried chicken is too black for you.

- Pops! Pops, seriously? - Hey, hey. Babe, babe.

- What? - You know what? Pops is right.

You know, I... I do feel like a puppet.