In the Sign of the Taurus (I Tyrens Tegn) (I Tyrens tegn)

IN THE SIGN OF THE TAURUS

Once upon a time there was a count. A really old fart who spent...

most of the hot summer of 1924...

studying his town's young daughters.

At close range, we might add.

His name was Count von Lieberhaus...

yes, that was his name. And he was the reason...

his townfolk could live such a happy and light-hearted everyday life.

No one paid any taxes, thanks to his great wealth...

and every once in a while the citizens got paid a big sum of money.

Ah, that's beautiful... I'm still standing at attention, thank you.

But this time, it wasn't money that attracted the count's interest...

but the city's young ladies, who...

unfortunately for him, were closely guarded by their mothers.

The Police Superintendent's wife, Mrs Eulalia Striid...

Mrs. Mayor Herta Andersen...

who guarded her daughter...

Hulda Pillesen, the chemist's wife...

Chief Editor Blad's wife, and that strict pastor's wife...

the town's most prominent guard of its virtue.

The old count lived in a big castle... Don't they all?

While most of the town's women spent their time at the beach...

the men were busy with their interests.

The mayor was known by everyone.

He was a popular figure in this town.

- Jerk! - Good morning, mayor.

The town's charming physician, Doctor Salvesen, took care of the sick and injured.

He also helped Pillesen, the chemist, who was the town's barber as well.

Pastor Fydensoej was so pleased with the count's donations

and his son Hector, who was engaged to the mayor's daughter, Dyveke...

was always at the right place at the right time.

You certainly know my hours, don't you son? Here you go.

- Thanks, dear father. - Don't go spending it all in once place.

Carola Sejersen was known as the town's little 'hussy'...

She lived just outside town, and was said to make her living doing needlework...

among other things.

She took care of Albert...

Together the two minded their own business.

Pastor Fydenhoej had more interests than just money.

Nothing in life lasts forever. Especially not old counts.

And on this lovely summer day he had his first heart attack.

During one of his more intimate moments...

tragedy struck one of the town's finest citizens.

Who pulled the plug?

Ohhh...

I always told the count that he should never... uhhh...

let himself get... hmm... aroused.

You know what he wrote in his will? Since he's wealthy and all?

That all his money will go right into the city's coffers. Am I right?

I was thinking of its citizens.

Well, the count certainly wrote his will alright.

God Almighty.

Number thirty-two.

Oh, you... Well, I've heard...

Thanks.

Thank you.

Firstly... aahahh...

Yes!

- Salvesen speaking. - This is mayor Felix Andersen... What now!

- It can't be long now. - It can't?

- You'd better come over. - Of course, I'll be right there.

Secondly... I've heard from your mother.

That you're looking at... ehhh...

Mandred Snagsted's willie!

How do you know that, mother? Were you looking too?!

Stop sucking that thing and listen! And the third thing I'm trying to tell you!

How do you think Hector feels when you're engaged in such free-spirited activities?

Here we put you together with the priest's fine son...

A decent... uh, a respectable young man...

who in the near future will take my place.

But dear father, I'll never do anything to disappoint my loving Hector.

I sure hope not!

Well, thank you!

I have to run. Duty calls.

- You'd better go home Hector. - Okay.

And let there be no more of those free-spirited activities.

- Goodbye. - Goodbye...

- Is he... - No, not yet.

I can't do anything more.

So you and the pastor have had enough? Isn't that so?

Yes, yes, yes, yes. Ahh, I see.

- Andreas, oh I missed you so. - Dyveke.

Soon I'll be the head doctor.

Then we'll get married regardless of what your father says. Okay?

There are limits to how long I can wait, Hector.

Be patient. We have to keep a decent approach until I hear from Copenhagen.

Isn't that so, darling?

So he got his eternal sleep, the old smut peddler.

Finally. Now he's where he truly belongs, that filthy old bastard.

- This is a shame. - There goes our town's future.

Yes, the lord giveth and the lord taketh away.

He was an old pig. Yes, a scandal for the town.

Dear delegates, this meeting is called to order.

Count von Lieberhaus isn't...

what he once was.

Even though he was an old man, he was until the last minute a stiff man.

With good interests. Our town will always be in debt to the man.

Will you bring us his will?

Before we read his will there is one thing I want you all to do.

Please join me in two minutes of silence.

True was his memory.

Yes, let us...

Mighty god.

- She'll probably get every nickel. - Who?

- What does it say? - C'mon read it.

- Have we been fooled? - Yes! No!

After my death I want no sorrow.

Therefore I invite the entire town to a big party at the pavilion.

To my dear servants...

Billie and Johnnie. I give you a lifetime allowance...

at 25,000 crowns per year. "

And the rest of my fortune I bequeath to the first child who is born...

outside of marriage and in the sign of Taurus...

and who will stay in town and endeavor to spend my money well.

If that happens, the count's fortune will remain and we'll still be able to avoid paying taxes.

Wait! There's more...

Every payment shall be withheld, until an out-of-wedlock Taurus is born.

If the out-of-wedlock child is born...

in any zodiac sign other than Taurus...

my entire fortune will go...

to the Association for the Protection of Homeless Kittens...

in Copenhagen.

There must be a way to prevent this. If the count's fortune leaves this town...

we'll all be forced to pay taxes.

The horror. The horror. What do we do?

We have to ensure that a child is born under the sign of Taurus right away.

- Ah, dear God. - When is the sign of Taurus?

It falls between April 20 and May 21. Nine moths and fourteen days from now.

Gentlemen, it must be done. We only have fourteen days!

Stop! This is too much!

We can't just start having extramarital sex and still maintain the town's good morals.

Not for 34 years has there been a child born out of wedlock here.

Our citizens live decent and respectable lives.

Yes, with one exception.

Miss Carola makes a living, I've heard, on her sewing house.

No, she makes a living on her "needlework".

I've got it!

There's just one woman in this town who could bring us this child...

and still keep the town a decent place.

- Carola. - Yes.

I myself should go over there and get some knitting done.

No sacrifice is big enough. Nothing!

But remember this. This will stays in here.

If this comes out, all hell will break loose.

- Keep your mouth shut. - Scouts honour.

I've heard it at the grocery store. Isn't it terrible?

- Dreadful. - Have you heard the count's last wishes?

The first illegitimate child born in the sign of Taurus gets all the money.

We don't even know how to do it.

We have to get started right away.

Most of us think it's just there to pee with.

- How does one get a child? - Ask your mother.

You can borrow my "Sex for Dummies" until tomorrow. But only till tomorrow.

What do we tell our innocent children?

- Do you think the boys know how to do it? - We could always ask them.

Have you heard about the count's wishes?

I mean...

Not a single child in this town knows about sexual intercourse...

so we thought about giving lessons...

lessons in sexual intercourse.

Well...

Why not?

I'll teach a quick course in the true art of needlework.

Would you?

Sure, but let's not tell anyone.

- What about the boys? - You're right. The boys.

You know what? Let Albert take care of them.

On with it! What can I do?

Yes, you understand... Don't you want any?

Yes, ahhh... I mean... Here you go...

You know Miss Carola, right?

Well, we all do...

With one exception.

- I can't go to her place. - I understand.

Can you go lay it out for her. A few words on the tax situation, I mean.

But it has to be done incognito. She is our only hope.

Yes, she must be right?

What the hell would you have done without her?

You don't say, he would.

You could tell all your corrupt friends...

that they already know the address.

Even in pitch black they found their way to Miss Carola.

I'm ready to negotiate...

if the mayor comes...

Yes, that was what she said.

Never! Never in my life!

"No sacrifice is too big, " wasn't that what you said mayor?

- We have a whistle blower in our house. - Yes, I'm afraid so.

- That wasn't good. - What do we do know?

It's like a runaway train...

once it's started it's difficult to stop.

Now we turn to Lesson 3.

Sometimes it won't just stand up on its own. And you've got to help him a little.

Just tickle it behind the crown jewels. Sometimes that helps.

Then you take a banana.

Here you go.

We spread our legs a little.

Then you grab the banana with the right hand, and help with the left one.

Bend your knees a bit. And then let this lovely jungle fruit...

move slowly.