La segretaria privata di mio padre

A friend of mine used to say,

"Better to be a poor industrialist than a wealthy worker."

He was a jerk! Owning a factory is a fine profession,

especially for someone like me who was very poor as a child.

Why have a factory with 900 workers,

a little house like this, one step away from Switzerland,

just so I can put some money away, and even a butler,

when I have an ugly secretary like this?

Let's be logical.

Why conquer wealth and power if the people in the street don't notice it?

Once upon a time, the king wore a crown on his head.

War leaders held the baton of command.

People would say, "Look, that's a powerful man."

Now the presidents of assembly make do by waving a bell,

but what can we do?

Should I write "I am rich" on my forehead?

Or, "I have capital of 25 billion all hidden abroad."

That would be dangerous to say.

The only thing that distinguishes a businessman from ordinary mortals

is a private secretary. A hottie of a secretary!

One that when you pass her people say, "Look at that. I'll be damned!"

Now you will say,

"What are you waiting for, why don't you get a secretary like this?"

You don't know my wife!

- Married? - No.

What are you waiting for?

- They all run away. - Good.

- Engaged? - No.

- Engaged? - Yes.

Good. Do you like men a lot?

- For goodness’ sake! No. - Good thing.

Amelia, they're hired.

- Very good. - Take down their details.

Sir, at five o'clock you have an appointment with the Germans.

All right.

- Are you happy now? - Yes.

We've got a museum of horrors.

Don't exaggerate!

Mingozzi, apart from this, why did you call me here?

Yes, of course, sir.

These products will subvert the cosmetics market.

Faces will be more beautiful, even when they're old,

with the Ponziani company's products.

It has to be said that they work well on our employees.

Behave, those ones need surgery, not a cream!

Very funny. Mingozzi, don't use them on our workers.

They are fine just how they are.

- Franco gave me an idea. - What idea?

Tell me.

Photograph all our little monsters

for the biggest fashion magazines with writing here,

"They are like this because they did not use Ponziani's products."

Brilliant, sir! It's brilliant, sir!

Behave, take it easy with these spankings because they'll give me pleurisy!

- Sir-- - Come on, Franchino. Come on, Cicci.

- Let's go. - Come on, time is money!

- Please, Mingozzi... - Yes?

Are you sure that all these girls have proven to be moral?

I couldn't find any uglier ones than them. They're almost all still virgins.

Sometimes that doesn't mean much, so it's not important.

Coming! Excuse me.

I'm coming! One moment.

Who is that? I would like to know.

- I would also like to know. - You see...

That's my fiancée.

I didn't think she would get here so soon.

Mingozzi has got himself a girlfriend!

She's beautiful as well. Introduce her to us.

She's a little shy.

Mingozzi, are you afraid that we're gonna eat her?

Go and get her.

My dear, you're in a hurry because of the Germans!

The Germans can wait!

Luisa, I'd like to introduce you to them. Just a minute.

- Right now? No. - Please.

Let's go! If she doesn't want to come, let's go.

You are always in the forefront.

The woman that got out of that car

would change our whole family life.

My fiancée. Miss Luisa, Mrs. Ponziani.

- My pleasure. - How do you do?

- Excuse me. - Excuse me.

Now the most important person.

Sir, let me introduce you to my girlfriend, Miss Luisa.

- Mr. Ponziani. - Pleased to meet you, I am honored.

- My pleasure. - I am deeply--

I am Franco, the son.

Excuse me, if I may, I...

- She's very shy. - She was raised by nuns.

You know what I mean.

There aren't many like that.

She's delightful! She can do so many things.

She can type, she can write in shorthand.

- She speaks every language. - Maybe she can read too!

- Let's go, it's hot! - Let's go, that'd be best.

- Mingozzi, I trust you. - Thank you.

- Wake up, Franco! - Let's go!

- Try the new products. - Don't worry.

- Be good. - Greetings, madam.

- Congratulations on the girlfriend. - Thank you.

Nice little jewel.

Beautiful girl, isn't she?

- Who? - Mingozzi's girlfriend.

- A little thin! - She's falsely skinny.

- Skinny and false, that is, a liar. - Lies have short legs.

Instead, that one had a pair of legs that if Amelia had--

- She would lose her place. - Amelia, did you hear that?

A beautiful girl, but what hope could I have?

Apart from my wife, who is my natural enemy,

there was my son who was already beginning to get excited.

Now, children are unpredictable.

Especially if they keep bad company.

You're here! You Milanese people always take it easy.

You're never on time. See what time it is?

- Is it late? - Yes.

- Oscar! - Yes, Dad.

- Those deliveries? - I'm going.

- You didn't take the list. Fuck you! - I've heard that one before.

- If you had, you'd know what to do. - I'll go with him.

Goodbye!

That evening I should have...

I've had some experiences, making all these home deliveries.

I could write a psychology essay.

Once, I had my pants unbuttoned.

- Sounds like a fortune teller's job. - Fortune teller?

Before you pick the fruit, you have to put the ladder against the tree!

I don't understand you. Are we going to fuck or pick apricots?

Do you understand what my pig son was going to do?

A man has his own needs.

In order to escape from my wife,

I came up with fake business trips.

You don't like that?

You can tell from a distance that it's fake.

It's an anti-snatch necklace, in these times we live in...

Sure. Why don't you give it to your wife?

- She doesn't wear this stuff. - Yeah, she wears pants.

When a wife puts pants on in the house, the husband takes them off elsewhere.

Yes, but not for a pound of candy!

Love, why don't you bring me a real jewel?

I'd put it in the bank and I'd be happy all the same.

So sweet! She's content with nothing, my big Swedish girl.

Beautiful! So beautiful, long, straight. You look like a two-lane highway.

This is a fabulous Swede.

She's lived here three months and she's driven everyone crazy.

She ordered white wine and champagne, she's a fancy slut.

Give me the number. Ouch!

How do you say "I love you so much, my love" in Swedish?

Tell me again!

What a combination!

Phone. Go answer it.

Go answer it, then come back here.

- Hello? - Mrs. Ingrid?

- Yes. Who are you? - I'm the vintner.

- I have to make an urgent delivery. - Right now?

- Are you alone? - Yes, I'm alone.

That's not a problem.

I'll come over then. I'll be right there.

- Did she say yes? - Go!

- Who was it? - Wrong number.

Wrong number? Why were you being so relaxed with a wrong number?

- I am jealous! - Stupid and stingy.

Stingy! I have a golden pendant ready for you.

I'll give it to you tonight at three, okay?

Yes.

I'm going to take a shower.

Then big cat and kitty make love.

- Are you happy? - Yes.

She said it again!

How have I managed to stay away from Sweden for so long?

Gothenburg, Copenhagen...

Long live reindeers, and Gustavus who married a bourgeois wife.

They are all intelligent in that country.

Gustavus!

I'm sorry, but I have to go. Even if it's not my turn.

- Oscar, I'll give you 10,000 lira. - No, forget it.

- Twenty! I'll give you twenty. - Twenty.

- Look. - All right. I'll do it for 20.

- Where are you going? - I have to go up.

- I gave you 20,000! - For that, I'll tell you about her.

May I?

May I?

The wine man has arrived. It's me.

You're getting ready, aren't you? My slut, wait for me. I'm coming.

Wait for me.

- Oh God! - Oh God!

- I've stared death in the face. - So have I.

- What are you doing there naked? - I brought champagne.

You brought champagne? A modern vintner!

He brought the champagne naked! What are you doing here?

I thought I was in the military district.

Get out of here, tapeworm, lactic fermentation!

- Go away! - Damn, I shouldn't have come here.

- I'll beat myself up. - Get out of here.

- I'm leaving! - I'll break your femur.

- What is it? I heard voices. - You heard shouting!

You get your champagne from a vintner who...

- He was almost naked! - Naked...

- I mean... - He must be in love with me.

They like me, it's not my fault.

I'll make you put an alarm on your pussy.