3rd Rock from the Sun

Oh, my god!

Aliens are not like that.

Oh, the senseless violence.

- The mindless gore. - The incredible sound system.

There must have been 30 speakers in that place. That movie kicked butt.

How can you say that?

They portrayed aliens as vicious monsters.

They blew up the department of transportation.

Do you mind? We haven't seen the movie yet.

What do I care? I don't even know you.

Don't you think it was cool

when that thing's tongue split open and strangled those eight army guys?

- Okay, that was cool... - Yeah.

But only that, and only because it made me scream

like a little girl.

They have to make the aliens scary. That's entertainment.

Sucking the brains out of all those zoo animals is not entertainment.

Man #1: hey, up there, shut up!

Man #2: hey, quiet.

It's how these people think of us.

They didn't care whether the aliens were good or bad. They wanted them dead.

What am I going to do? Mary-- she's already seen this movie.

So? She doesn't know you're an alien. Does she?

- Oh, please. - Does she?

I said, "oh, please." Isn't that enough?

- Both: does she? - No!

Attention, ticket holders!

Listen up. At the end of the movie,

- when the president turns out to be an alien--

yeah--

and he barbecues all the congressmen,

don't believe it because aliens hate barbecue.

- If you don't shut up, I'm going to kill you. - All Righty.

- And that goes for all of you. - Did you hear that guy?

- He hasn't seen the movie, and he already wants to kill us. - We are in trouble.

We've got to lay low until this mania passes over.

- Maybe build a bunker. - No! We can't hide.

I say we come out of the bunker and into the street.

I say we hold an alien pride parade.

We'll all get together,

and we'll prove that we're all--

humans.

Hello. "Rutherford bugle"?

I'd like to speak to your film critic, please.

Oh. Well, then, will you tell him

that I just saw "dawn of the aliens," and it was not wham-bam?

It was not a slam dunk. I was never on the edge of my seat.

And the special effects did not make my eyes pop out.

- There's no cream in here! - Well, you don't have to bite my head off.

Nina, we don't do that.

- Hello, Dick. - Oh, Mary.

You notice how I'm being gentle

and not squeezing your body until your spleen shoots out of your mouth?

Yes, I noticed that.

Thank you. Oh! Speaking of spleens,

did you see "dawn of the aliens"?

- Wasn't that movie great? - It was two hours and four minutes

of horrible, horrible lies.

- I liked it. - Me, too. I was on the edge of my seat.

They portray aliens

as hideous, evil mutants.

Why can't they be sweet and well-mannered?

I don't pay seven bucks to see an alien play with a puppy.

At that price he better eat it.

Tommy? Tommy,

they're having a sci-fi convention in Cleveland.

"Meet all the aliens from your favorite Tv shows and movies.

And 'star trek's' Mr. Sulu, George Takei,

will be signing copies of his new book,

'warp speed, damn it: the complete rants of William shatner.'"

This would be a perfect place to help people understand

how wrong their impressions of us aliens are.

Or we could just blow the whole damn place up.

- Would you guys lift your feet, please?

Lift your feet. Lift feet!

What's your problem?

Sally, turn off your sucking device.

What is it?

I need your support. I have made the most difficult decision

I've had to make since coming to this planet.

You're giving up tighty whities

and switching to boxers?

No!

It's not about underwear, Harry,

- although I have switched. - No!

I've decided to tell Mary

that I am what humans would call,

in their galactocentric way,

- an alien. - Harry: no!

Are you crazy? Why are you doing this?

You've never blown your cover on any other mission.

I've never felt the need to.

- I keep having these feelings. - Ai-yi-yi.

It's this fleshy human slipcover.

Oh, sure, it's dashing, tall,

manly,

washable,

but somehow it just makes me feel so awful

about deceiving the woman I love.

All right, look. Let's just think this thing through, okay?

I'll be her. Here I am.

I'm Mary, sitting at my desk.

Now, you come in and tell me.

Hello, Mary.

Dick.

You look handsome today.

And you look more beautiful than ever.

Whoa!

All right, all right, okay. Let's just start over.

- Hello, Mary. - Dick!

I can't kiss you today because I've got the flu.

As do I.

Mary, I am an alien.

She's dead!

You killed her, you alien bastard!

Why?

- Why?! - This is nonsense! I'm going to tell her.

- You're going to get us all killed. - I'm only telling one person.

Sir, as security officer, I forbid it.

And, as high commander, I have to say tough toenails, lieutenant.

Fine. Let it be on your head.

Which is going to be sitting next to ours on a tray somewhere in new Mexico.

I am telling you, humans cannot handle this kind of information.

Mary can.

I just have to find the right setting, the right atmosphere

where the elegant beauty of our magnificent surroundings

help her to embrace the truth and me.

They're having a sci-fi convention in Cleveland.

Perfect! Pack your bags, kids.

- We're going on a road trip. - Sweet.

- Ooh! - Oh!

Ahh!

Look at this place.

Our first hotel room.

Wow! Why do I suddenly have the urge

to trash it?

Hey, you guys, look at this tiny bottle

I found in the bathroom.

Evidence of a superior race

of tiny people.

How can you tell they're superior?

Because it's a shampoo and conditioner in one.

Ah.

A tiny fridge

filled with tiny bottles of alcohol

- and tiny bags of macadamia nuts! - Wow!

These people might be tiny, but they know how to party.

How do they get up on the bed,

especially when they're all drunk and fat on nuts?

Just tell me when.

- When. - When I've poured enough

to slake your thirst for champagne.

- When. - Whenever your heart desires.

- When, stop, now. - Now?

Yeah, yes, now, now!

Half a bottle for one glass.

You are a wild woman,

but then I accept that.

I may be wild, but I'm not going to bite.

And neither will I, and that's the whole point.

There will be no biting, no bloodletting,

no cranial explosions.

What's with you?

All right, Mary, you've sniffed me out.

I brought you here under the guise of a romantic holiday

to tell you something about myself.

This is very difficult.

I-- I don't want you to judge me.

I never judge you.

Sometimes I do. Often.

Always. I'll try not to this time.

Mary, before I met you,

I was completely different.

I was far, far away from here.

And ever since I left that place,

I've been fighting so hard to fit in.

And if ever anyone found out, I'd have to go back

because I could never live in this world any longer.

Oh, Dick,

were you in A... clinic?

- Clinic? - It's okay.

So was I.

Oh!

Wake up, everybody!

We're going to the sci-fi convention.

What's so important about this sci-fi convention?

Don't you see? It's a perfect opportunity

to take a stand,

to protest how the rest of the world is treating our kind.

You want to be some kind of alien martin Luther king?

Exactly,

because I, too, have a dream,

and in that dream I'm naked

on a ferris wheel.

I'll meet you guys in the lobby.

I'm going to go make sure Dick hasn't blown our cover.

Sally, there's a note for you on the door.

"Please make up room."

All right, I'll do it when we get back.

We're going to the sci-fi convention!