3rd Rock from the Sun

High commander's log.

Make that former high commander.

I am writing this so that future generations

will know the truth.

It all began two days ago.

Okay, where's my shoes?

I think I saw one of them right over there.

Harry received a message from the big giant head

saying that I was to be replaced

the very next night.

Cruelly, that was the very night

that Mary finally said,

"I care about you."

Mary, you understand my every thought.

I understand. You've had the milk. Why buy the cow?

No, I want you. I want the cow.

But I was summoned into the basement

to meet my replacement.

And here I am in this encasement.

No.

I must make an erasement.

Ignoring all military protocol,

he confined me in this invisible box.

Oh, my god!

He's turned me into a mime!

- What's going on in that pan? - I'm cooking sausages.

Those are links. I like patties.

- I'm sorry, sir. - Sorry won't do.

Press that meat, soldier. I like my links flat.

Who ate my strawberries?

- What strawberries? - I had a pint of strawberries in here

with a note clearly marked mine.

- I didn't take 'em. - It wasn't me.

Man, them strawberries was good eatin'.

It is becoming all too clear

how my predecessor chose to run things.

You will find things to be quite different under my command, Tommy.

Uh, no, I'm Harry.

No, I've decided that from now on you will be known as Tommy.

What about me?

You will be known as Tommy, too.

But wait. Tommy and then the number 2, or Tommy as well?

You will all be known as Tommy!

- And that's not all. Lieutenant? - Sir!

- From now on, you will wear skirts. - Skirts?

Something long that looks pretty when you twirl.

And stay away from pleats. You know, nothing too fussy.

Okay.

Furthermore, when coupons arrive in the mail,

I get first dibs.

I may open a box of cereal to get the prize,

but I do not then have to eat...

the cereal.

The bathroom has been stocked with two kinds of toilet paper.

I, and I alone,

get the quilted kind.

You will go to a barber. I will go to a stylist.

But wait, wait, wait. We have so much more hair than you do.

You will never mention that again!

Have I made myself clear, Tommy?

All: yes.

When someone asks you what time it is,

you do not say "it's time to die."

- And, uh, where do I go for work? - The university.

Ah. So I run the university.

Not so much run. You teach a physics class.

I'm a teacher?!

Were all the janitors' jobs taken?

Six months on this planet, and that's all my predecessor achieved.

How pitiful.

He was spending a lot of time on that whole Dr. Albright thing.

Ah, yes, Mary.

I've got plans for her.

There's my girl.

I feel so pretty.

Now pay attention. I have an assignment for you.

Lieutenant, take this down.

I will require the following items:

500 rolls of silver reflective duct tape,

144 ceramic custard cups,

one subatomic spectrometer, and one turkey baster.

You see, I am building the greatest incubator

these puny humans

have ever known.

And when it is completed,

I will spawn my own private army of--

of...

fuzzy easter chicks.

What are you looking at? You have your assignment. Hop to it!

- Can you give us a ride? - No. The car is mine, and mine alone.

You're humans. Use your feet.

You know, I was this close to kicking his butt.

Yeah.

Yeah, I was gonna kick his butt,

but, you know, I figured you'd do it.

- Well, when he comes back, I'm kicking his butt. - All right.

What are you guys complaining about, huh?

I deserved his job. I should be high commander.

I have the seniority. I know the territory.

So why wasn't I promoted, huh?

Because I'm the woman. Once again,

the woman was passed over.

- You want me to kick his butt? - Harry,

there's not going to be any butt-Kicking. He is high commander.

Like it or not, we're sworn to follow him.

Anyway, maybe this mission could use a little discipline.

Yeah, nice skirt, Tommy.

All right, how do you work a car?

See, it's the difference between good fabric

and cheap fabric.

Then again, my third husband

liked 'em cheap.

Yes, yes, that's fascinating.

Say, Dr. Solomon, could you come over

and give me a hand with my lint trap?

No, I...

I'd love to really, but I'm afraid it's impossible.

You see, I have a bad back.

I think I know why you're down here.

Same reason my second husband used to come down here.

Bottle of scotch hidden in the insulation.

Of course, I always knew.

The pink fuzz in his beer gave him away.

- Mrs. Dubcek. - Mm-hmm.

Yes?

I need you to do me a favor.

Could you go upstairs and tell Sally

that I'm down here?

But if you see me standing there--

and this is very important--

don't say anything to me.

Just take Sally aside and whisper it to her.

Whatever you do, make sure

I don't hear you.

Come again?

Never mind.

Stop it.

Okay, here's the duct tape. How much do we need?

500 rolls, silver reflective.

Okay, well, how about eight rolls

- of sort of grayish? - That's fine.

What do you think Dick's doing now? You know, old Dick.

You don't think they reassigned him to the brown planet, do you?

Ooh...

- Dennis! - Tom, Sally, Harry.

What are you guys doing here?

- We just had to pick up some duct tape. - I mean on earth.

Oh. Well, we're doing that thing

where we're supposed to be a human family.

I dodged that assignment.

We've seen you on Tv. 18 rebounds a game.

Don't people suspect anything?

Look at you-- the hair, the tattoos.

- Like you could be human. - Yeah.

They think I'm weird or something.

I hear that.

Listen, Dennis, I gotta ask you.

Madonna-- where is she from?

- Detroit. - Detroit, earth?

- Get out. - No.

Yeah, she's here. She's here.

- What about Michael Jordan? - Robot.

- I told you so. See? - All right, all right.

Well, guys, I gotta be going.

Proceed boldly and with stealth.

Jam on.

I like what you've done with your desk.

Would you like me to do it

to yours?

No. I like it messy.

Bad girl.

So, Dr. Albright, refresh my memory.

Have you and I...