Saturday Night Live

Good evening.

- I'm George stephanopoulos, and - the vibe we're going for tonight

Is "poorly attended college

lecture.

The folks asking questions are

half pro-biden and half

anti-trump, and somehow we've

put all of them in the last row

of the balcony.

How are you guys up there?

Huh? I have vertigo!

Great.

And our guest of honor tonight

- is former vice president and - future oatmeal spokesman Joe

Biden.

Hello!

Hello, Philadelphia!

It's great to be here!

Hey, that is Bobby Clark of the

1974-75 flyers?

Mr. Vice president, Mr. Vice

- president, please don't wander - into the audience to greet

People.

Sorry!

- I'm just so excited to talk to - america.

With real-life Americans.

Hey, George!

Check it out!

That's a dance for the kids on

- tiktok. Okay.

Okay, Joe.

Let's focus.

Now, are you ready for softball

questions from folks who are

already voting for you?

You bet your short pants I

- am. - This is going to be exciting,

George.

I've given everybody in the

audience a glass of warm milk

and a blanket.

Now who's ready to have some fun

with facts and figures?

Whoo!

The first question is from

Nicholas fenton, and he's a

democrat.

Mr. Vice president, how would - your response differ from the

- Horrible one from president - trump, who I hate?

Let's limit how many times - you outright say you hate

- President Trump during your - questions.

Aww!

Mr. Vice president, go ahead.

Okay.

Now Nicholas... where the hell

are you?

Nicholas?

I'm up here! Huh?

Go ahead!

Hey.

Yeah.

Here's the deal.

- Unlike the president, I actually - have a plan.

Okay, great!

What is it?

A plan is a detailed proposal

- for doing or achieving - something.

No, I mean, what's your plan? Oh, right.

Right.

Well, let me start with a story.

- Mixed with a complicated math - problem.

If you have 3 million doses of

vaccine, and the vaccine leaves

Chicago at 10:00 A.M., what time

would it arrive in Washington?

And please show your work.

Good evening, america. - I am surprise bad-ass Savannah

Guthrie.

- If you were angry at nbc for - doing this town hall, let me get

A few questions in and I think

you'll thank me.

- Joining me tonight is president - Donald Trump.

Thank you, serengeti, it's

great to be here.

Even though... woman.

We have lots of voters

- to ask questions, but I'd like - to start by tearing you a new

One.

- Why won't you condemn white - supremacy?

I do.

I do condemn it.

- I've always more or less - condemned it.

What about q-anon?

You mean the group that

thinks democrats are a cabal of

Satan-worshipping pedophiles,

- and I'm their Messiah? - I don't know anything about them

At all.

Yes, you do, Mr. President.

I do know they're against

pedophilia, and I agree with

- that, if anyone's against - pedophiles, it's me, the man who

Was close, personal friends with

one of the most famous

pedophiles on earth.

Rest in power, Jeffrey.

Okay... what about the Aryan

- brotherhood? They're very pro-family,

That's all I know.

Kkk?

Your car breaks down, you

call triple-k.

Last week you tweeted that

osama bin laden is still alive.

I didn't tweet it, it was a

retweet, which is short for

"really smart tweet."

You can't just do things like

- that, you're not someone's crazy - uncle.

Really? - Because this conversation we're

Having is a preview of

Thanksgiving dinner at a lot of

American households, so crazy

uncles, stand back and stand by.

That brings US to 1939.

- The year I went to the world - fair.

And met the real Mickey mouse.

Does that answer your question?

If you want to find me after the

- town hall, we can talk some - more.

Some more?

Just to be clear, when was

the last time you tested

negative?

There are so many tests, - santana, I get tested all the

Time.

Okay, for covid.

There are so many covid,

Savannah, covid-12, covid-14...

were you tested for covid-19 - on the day of the debate...

There have been so many

debates...

there was one f'ing debate.

Now do you have any remaining

- symptoms of covid? No, I'm doing great.

Doctors say my lung is

beautiful.

I have one beautiful lung now,

which turned basically into

glass, so it's very strong.

You didn't have pneumonia?

Had a small fever, it was

around 100 celsius.

But I did great.

- I never died. - Never saw hell or the devil.

- He never showed me a list of my - sins.

I was just alive and strong the

whole time.

Okay. - I'm done with my initial

- Prostate exam. - Our first question tonight is

From Jacqueline lugo.

Hello, Mr. President!

Greetings from Miami...

no, no, different person.

Okay, let's go to our next - question from Paulette Dale, and

- I'm told she's horny. Yes.

Greetings, Mr. President.

I have to say, you have a great

smile.

He does!

Oh, just so handsome when you

smile.

Come on, let me see those

chompers.

Oh, there we go.

You're so beautiful.

Now my question is about

immigration.

My parents were both immigrants.

So I want to know what you'll do

- with the so-called dreamers. Where did your parents

Emigrate from?

They came from Mrs.

Maisel-vania.

That's why you have to do

- something. - You can make a difference.

You can save this country.

Joe, who are you talking to?

I'm talking to god, George.

Father, son, holy ghost, you're

the team we love the most.

And that's why we're going to

have a v-shaped recovery, a deep

v, rippling pecs and a toned

- eight-pack. - A swimmer's body, basically like

I have after covid, and it'sing

about... it's going to be

- beautiful! The question is, why won't

- You release your taxes? Oh, that's simple, because I

Don't want to go to jail.