TripTank

Cannonball!

Splort!

S01E05 - "Ahh, Serenity".

Okay, that's all my stuff. Ready to go.

Take care at university, son. You're a man now.

Dad? Are you crying?

No, son, I've just...

I've just got something in my eye. Oh!

What a great pop.

I'm afraid it's eye cancer.

- Hello, Triptank. - Yo, what's up?

- Is this Trip? - Uh, this is Triptank.

- Yo, is this Trip? - No Trip, just Triptank.

Hey, yo, is Trip there?

Can I ask what this is regarding?

Okay, basically, I found this phone, you know what I'm saying?

It says "Trip" and it's got this number, you know what I'm saying?

So tell your boy Trip I got his phone, you know what I'm saying?

So hit me back if your boy wants the phone.

Okay, how 'bout I take a message for him?

I got to jet. I got a dvd box set of Dawson's Creek

I'm trying to watch, you know what I'm saying?

Old-school Michelle Williams, you know what I'm saying?

Spank bank style, you know what I'm saying?

Well, it was a night like any other,

except I had just taken mushrooms for the first time,

and I was trippin' my goddamn balls off.

Ohh...

Come in, Wally. What's your 20, good buddy?

Yeah, I'm traveling down highway 60.

I don't want to speak too soon, but I'm thinking

I made it out of gremlin territory.

No! You scary little son of a bitch.

And as I sat there, gazing into my beady little eyes,

what I realized was that I was about to discover the meaning of life.

Moonbeams. Look at them silly gumdrops.

Aloha, Wally.

Give papa a little peek.

Mmm, oh, Wally.

It was shaping up to be quite the night,

but the next thing I knew...

Oh, no, no, no, no, no! Oh, god dangit!

Oh, oh, oh, oh!

Oh, my god, what's going on?

Get out of the way! Well, move your wheelchair!

Oh, my god, a stroller. No!

Oh, son of a bitch.

Percent off today on all... Oh, my god!

Oh, my god!

And that, my friend,

was the last time I ever did try mushrooms.

I can't say I regret it though.

I mean, I believe it is important to broaden your horizons.

How else would I have learned to live amongst the grizzlies?

Would you pass the potatoes, darlin'?

Oh, but that's a story for another night.

Au revoir, .

Hey, how's it going? I-I can't really talk right now.

Ooh, baby, last night was so amazing.

Yeah, no, it was completely amazing, but I can't talk right now.

We going out tonight, right?

Me, you, and my coo coo, we gonna have us a little threesome.

Yeah, no, definitely bring your friend along.

I had to call you 'cause my coo coo wants to talk to you.

Really?

- You want to talk to her? - Okay, okay, put her on.

Hello, my little sweetie cupcake. Are you lonely?

- Do you miss me, little cupcake? - Ha, yeah, cocoa butter.

Slow it down. Romance the stone.

Dude, what are you doing? Get the (BLEEP) out of here.

Hey, women. Have you ever had this problem?

And I'm not talking about secretly being filmed while peeing.

You see, as men, we have the option

to either pee into the water, causing horrible noise,

or just simply pee on the porcelain,

which is just... oh, my god, it's serenity.

You may think, well, it's inevitable, the sounds.

Well, you're wrong, honey, and I know. I'm a feminist. (CHUCKLES)

No more of these small house parties

where you just have to go to the bathroom

and you know everyone is listening to your little droplets.

No more colleagues making snide remarks at your expense.

Hey, Mary, did you have a horse there in with you?

- W-what? - Sure sounded like it.

- Now high-five me. - No.

What you waiting for?

Yeah.

No more of these blackmail situations.

Hey, I got a recording of you peeing.

Oh, my god, just take my son.

The pee slide is basically a silly straw for your pee.

So you just put it in the toilet and go to town.

Wacky town.

Don't take my word for it. It's mine.

I bought this for my girl on V-day.

She loves it. It's her favorite hobby now.

And cleaning it can't be simpler.

Just use a toothbrush and scrub for a long time.

Purchase now and you will also receive this great fashionable carrying bag

so you can take your pee slide anywhere you go.

Camping, your own wedding...

it's okay. He's cool with it.

All of that great value for... how much would you say?

600 bucks? No.

'Cause it's actually $650 including shipping and handling.

For you.

Happy birthday, Billy. Blow out the candles.

I wish someone came to my birthday party besides my mom.

Oh, Lilly.

Ooh, that must be Chomp. Can you believe there's a dating site

that lets you find guys right in your own neighborhood?

Mom, that's the sex offender registry.

What? I hope he offends me.

I'm sorry I'm late, but, you know, it's Tuesday,

so I was huffing paint out of a hobo's ass.

Man, meth lab went "boom!" you know what I'm talking 'bout?

Oh, whoa, hey, happy birthday, kid.

Chomp, that is so sweet. Bye, Billy.

Oh, girl. (MOANING) Oh, you taste like a warrant song.

You're leaving me all alone on my birthday?

Best birthday ever.

Spooge!

Finally! How long does it take to masturbate for the first time?

- Who the hell are you? - I am the Dick Genie.

I grant you a wish every time you rub one out.

You know some genies, they get to be in a bottle.

I'm in your dick.

But I don't want some weird jerk-off genie.

Okay, I will grant you every single wish.

I can murder your enemies, beheadings.

I'll do third trimester abortions.

I can finally get whatever I want.

Just remember to use your power responsibly,

or else your hands will claw at your penis

until it's raw and crusty.

Now, make a wish so I can fly back up your peehole.

I wish I were invited to the party next door.

Jizz-am!

Before, I'd never have a chance with Lilly.

Now, me and my boner are unstoppable.

Dude.

- Hey. - You sounds like a gay person.

- What? Why... - You are so gay.

Sir, I promise you, I am not...

- Gay. - I am not...

- Gay. - I am not...

- Gay. - No, I'm not...

- Gay. - I'm telling you, I'm...

- Gay. - Stop! I keep telling you...

I am not gay.

- Lesbian. - What the...

I wish Lilly were my girlfriend.

Dick Genie, why aren't you coming out?

Oh, Lilly, Lilly.

Who's in my room?

Oh, my god. He's masturbating to Justin Bieber!

It's not what it looks like! I was whacking it to you.

Dude, that's my girlfriend, and that's my favorite singer.

- Dick Genie, help. - Sick, dude.

Leave Billy alone!

Dude, was that your...

Ow, spooge!

- You're not going anywhere. - Hey, no, Chomp said "no."

No means no.

- I want to take back the night! - Chomp!

Yeah, I don't think

she wants to go out with you anymore, dude.

You frosted her boyfriend's face. Weird move.

What took you so long back there?

What took you so long? I was waiting for you to finish.

Gets so lonely in your testes.

Triptank, how can I help you?

Hi, there. My name's Ted Alexander.

I'm a youth pastor with Friends of Children United.

I don't usually make these calls,

but I am horrified by how disgusting your show is.

It is corrupting my flock of children.

I am the shepherd of a flock of plump, fat babies,