Superfantozzi

In the beginning, God created heaven.

Then He said, "Let there be light!"...

and there was light.

Then God created the Earth.

And He said it was a good thing.

He created the seas and oceans, and filled them with fish.

He separated Heaven and Earth, and said it was a good thing.

And then he went on to create his masterpiece...

Man.

Thank you for having created me in your image!

Indeed, the Almighty realized that His child...

had not been created as perfect as He had hoped.

He attributed the error to fatigue...

And decided to try again after a day of rest.

The second attempt went almost perfectly...

He observed a big difference.

For the newcomer, the Lord created a new paradise on earth...

and gave him a mate.

But... the...

Alright, fine...

Sorry, but you took from me one of my... ribs... over here...

To make a woman for you. Turn around, she is yours.

Except to take the forbidden fruit...

the Lord gave man all freedoms...

Even to name all the things created by Him.

- Flo-wers. - Flo-wers.

Flo... wers...

Straw-berries.

Watch out.

Sh-it.

Sh-it.

- Fan-to-zzi. - Excuse me, but why..?

Shit... Fan... to... zzi...

Now what was done, was done.

If you are ashamed, you could cover youself with a leaf of ficus...

A thorny one.

The apple...

Fantozzi, You disobeyed!

There is no place for you in the Garden of Eden anymore.

That whore, Eve!

Thus occurred the first eviction in the History of the World.

Sorry, Sir... but how come they don't...?

No! They are different!

You, man, will work by the sweat of your brow...

for them too, for all eternity.

Now get out! Go away.

Very huma... You are most divine...

Go forth and multiply...

as little as possible!

Why..?

Screw it!

Realizing he is an intelligent animal...

he tried to improve his hellish life...

for him and his fellows.

Hop! Hop!

As time passed, things for Fantozzi...

went from bad to worse.

- Ugo! - Dad!

- Ugo! - Dad!

Ugo!

Where are you, dad?

- Dad! - Here he is, Mariángela!

- Who is it? - Ughino, it is me, your Pina!

- How so? - Don't you remember?

I had a horrible morning.

I got beat up by 15,000 people. They were Persians.

Stop thinking about it. It's over now.

- Everything? - Let's go home.

- Are you sure?. - Let's go home.

- Yes, but... are we walking?. - Yes. - Because I...

- I can barely stand. - I'll help you. Lean on me.

Give me your paw!

No, I mean your... your hand...

Lean.

That day, Fantozzi finally received from his superiors...

A job that would promise great satisfaction.

- Soldier, you who are volunteering! - Eh? Volunteer? Let's just say it's more of...

Run to Athens and tell them that the Battle of Marathon is won.

- I'm sorry, but that's 42 kilometers away. - And 195 meters.

Ah, well, then... that's different!

- Whoa. - I'll get going.

Won't you even kiss Mariangela goodbye?

A kiss?

Listen, I'll do that at a later time.

I'll explain later. Have mercy!

Don't run, Dad!

Water, water..!

Water..!

Water..!

Water!!

Who is it?? Who rang the doorbell? Who called?

Athens! Athens!

ATHENS - 20 KM

Oh, Zeus... Oh, mommy... Oh, Zeus... Oh, mommy...

A chariot! I'm saved!

- Excuse me! Please, charioteer! - Yes?

- Are you going to Athens? - No, sorry, soldier. I'm going to Delphi.

- But... excuse me, are you by chance going to Athens? - Yes, why?

Do me a favor, since you're headed there...

take this column to the Senate for me, alright?

- No! - And make haste! Bye!

How considerate! I am very unfortunate...

For pity's sake! The entrance to Athens..?

- Right ahead. - Ah, yes!

Oh, mommy... Oh, Zeus... By Artemis!

Mercy! Mercy!

No, wait! Do not help him, or he'll be disqualified.

What the hell are you talking about..?

Just 20 more...

10...

Just 3 more... Just four...

Just 1... And I'm here...

Speak!

Wait... a moment...

I bring news from Marathon.

- What happened? - Where?

- At Marathon! Tell me! - This... uh... I don't remember...

- How come you can't remember? - It slipped my mind.

- He can't remember... - Well, did we win?

Who? No. Uhm, yes. No. I mean, yes. No. Neither.

Did we lose?

No... and yes. No. There, I remembered!

It was a draw. One to one.

- Draw? What is he saying? - He's crazy! What does "one to one" mean?

GUARDS!! Arrest him!

No, have mercy! I have a proposal...

I'll make the trip back to Marathon. 42 km and 195 meters...

I'll get more detailed information, maybe I'll write it down...

and I'll return with the news... TAC! Accurate!

Go, then!

Let's haul ass... 195, 194, 193, 192...

- Who is it ? - The "T.C.R.P."

"Tax Collection of the Roman Provinces". Open up!

Good day, soldier! My husband is not home and I should...

No jokes, Jew! Render unto Caesar what is of Caesar!

But this house is mine, not of this César...

I have not had the pleasure......

Anyway, how much does this gentleman want...?

- It's based on what you possess! - Nothing! No, wait!

Eh... here... here... take this.

So... then Send my greetings, alright?

To this greedy Mr. Caesar...

How considerate, Sir Praetorian, eh?

Very considerate! Bye!

That cabin was his only possession, together with a small plot of land by the lake.

You! You stand here... and So you just stay... well...

- Dad, what should I do?. - Nothing, nothing. Just stand there, and be casual...

and scare...

You do it very well. Come on, Pina, we still...

Alright... so... Ready! Bring it on! Steady...

Ahoy, Pina, faster!

Heavy taxes, the Roman invaders...

shortages, and the crows which ate his seeds...

Not to mention the damned kids from the school across the street...

Made Fantozzi's life very difficult.

Oh, Pina! We did it!

But people were saying that, someone would finally come...

and ultimately set everything right.

Do you see that? It was tough, but they're growing!

It took much effort, But... they're growing... here t--

Let the little children come to me.

The strawberries! Watch out! No, no!

Keep off! Stop! Watch out!

Excuse me, ma'am. What?

Sorry! Pardon! Excuse me, but what's happening?

We are stoning an adulteress!

I do not like these things. I'm leaving.

Make way! Excuse me, excuse me!

- Adulteress! Die! - Stop!

He who is without sin cast the first stone.

Help! Help!

Are you ready, Dad?

- It's almost done! - Ugo!

You must be strong. I have some terrible news.

- No! - Yes! - You invited someone to dinner?

No. Rebecca passed by and brought us dire news.

- What happened? - Your uncle...

- Died. - No!

- Yes! - NO!

- YES! - NO! - YES!

YEESSSSSSSSS! Uncle is dead!

We're rich! We are the sole heirs!

We are the sole heirs!

Away with this disgusting house!

Burn! Who cares?! We'll buy another house!

Out with this dump!

We'll eat roasted venison for the rest of our lives!

And then I will find a good husband for Marian-- maybe...

- A... a dowry hunter. - Yes!

Anyway, uncle Lazarus is dead! We're rich!

Uncle Lazaro is dead! He's dead!

Here I am! Come on! Here we are!

- Come! - Come, Mariángela. - Come, little one!

- Easy... - This is my family!

We are the heirs!

I inherited all! I am the heir!

And you are the notary, yes? Did you bring documentation...?

- What's happening? - Lazarus! Rise up and walk!

Walk? Wait, who..? Who will walk?

Is he crazy? Look, he's dead... like...