Rick and Morty

Before we move off this topic,

can I ask if you're currently a hologram?

Yeah, yeah, h-hold on. One sec.

Left a bag of Funyuns down there last week.

Didn't want to waste our time. Okay, let's do it.

Therapy me.

Do you need to take that? No. Just the President.

Maybe we should turn off the phone.

President of the United States.

Thought you might think that was cool.

You like it when people think you're cool?

You're extra analytical today. Looking to remodel your kitchen?

President: Sanchez! I know you're in there!

When I call you directly, it's an emergency.

I was in therapy. Don't stigmatize mental health.

How rude of me.

Hello, I'm President Andre Curtis.

Yes, I recognize you. Oh? How nice.

It's not nice to recognize a president. Can we go?

In 1961, the CIA secretly relocated

the Loch Ness Monster to Lake Erie

and replaced her bones with titanium.

She was then bit by several werewolves,

giving us the ultimate anti-submarine weapon.

Got it. But the Soviets smuggled in a leprechaun,

who turned Nessie's bones to silver,

giving her the were-version of AIDS.

She sank to the bottom, and we assumed she was dead.

But she was only asleep. Now she's awake and hungry.

You can't date my shrink. What?!

Bro, you're nuts. Then don't date my shrink.

I'm not dating your shrink!

She probably doesn't even like me.

Stand down, Sanchez! Tell him to stand down!

Would you let him bang your therapist?

I don't believe in therapy!

What the hell does that even mean, you don't believe in it?

He's a scientologist. Don't date my shrink!

And don't be a space Mormon! Why not?!

It's silly! Sorry, it's a cheap shot.

Worship how you want.

I like Tom Cruise. Thank you.

Therapy's working. Keep it in your pants.

Ooh, welcome back to Mr. Stabby!

Let's get another question from the audience!

Audience member: Ow! Augh!

Why do people get tickets to his tapings?

It's a fame-obsessed culture.

Mr. President.

President: I've got an emergency, Rick. Another President mission?

Y-You just killed the Loch Ness Monster for him.

Tell that little bitch to zip it.

You can't talk to me like that!

T-Tell him he can't talk to me like that!

You can't talk to Morty like that.

Whatever. I'll portal over.

I've seen this one anyway. The audience dies.

Rick, thanks for coming.

We've got a situation in the state of Virginia.

Bigfoot? That's Montana.

Nazis? That's, uh... everywhere.

That's an exaggeration, sir.

Jesus, Carl, you, too?

The problem in Virginia is... love.

You've heard the state motto, "Virginia is for Lovers"?

Well, now they've codified it into law.

Virginia has declared itself

literally and exclusively for lovers.

Sounds boring. It gets worse.

There's no crime, no poverty, and suspiciously, no complaints.

The governor just hit 100% approval rating.

And that's worse? 100%?

Get on the web, Dwayne.

There's no such thing as 100% of anything.

America knows and incinerates a cult when it sees one.

But I can't do that to all of Virginia,

so we need to infiltrate.

I volunteer to do acid to prove I'm not a cop.

No lone wolves. We need a crack team for this one.

Rick, meet Fleeflak.

He might be able to tell the future.

Rick: Might? We're waiting to find out.

Onyx here is a weapons specialist,

and our eye in the sky is my chief of staff bot,

Chi-Chi. Sleek.

Yes, an excellent team.

Eh, but there's something missing...

a psychology expert, perhaps. Oh, fuck me.

You pretended to need a crack team

so you could get Wong's number?

Get her number? I own the CIA.

If I wanted, I could get her genome.

So you wanted what from me, permission? You got it.

It's a free country, so you're always saying.

That's certainly all I'd be willing to pay.

You're making me choose? You or her?

There's three billion women on this planet

that have nothing to do with me.

Can you blame them? You suck.

Wait! Danger!

Wow, that's great, buddy.

It's goin' right on the fridge.

I appreciate your lending your expertise to this mission,

Dr. Wong.

Gun? No, thank you.

I was surprised to receive your call but excited.

I haven't done field work since grad school.

We think the people of Virginia

have become some kind of hippy sex cult.

I haven't done that since grad school, either.

Ho-ho! Dr. Wong, you are a firecracker!

Sir, we've reached the border.

Halt!

I'm so sorry, Mr. President,

Virginia is closed to visitors.

I thought it was for lovers. I'm a lover.

You guys lovers? Mm-hmm.

I appreciate that,

but the rest of your country

doesn't need Virginia's love right now.

You know, the last time a state talked that way,

we had to have a whole thing.

And?

And this time, the other side has nukes.

Let them in.

Well done, Doctor.

Call me Helen.

As you can see, Virginia has no crime, no poverty.

All goods are freely given.

Communist bastards.

And all goods are freely made.

Communist bastards!

So, what happened? Tell me the secret.

Well, if I tell you, you'll tell everyone.

But if I show you, you won't have to.

How unsettling and cryptic.

Oh!

My God! So that's it?

You're all just drunk!

Sir! It's some kind of body-snatching hive-mind!

Finally your religion comes in handy!

No! My only chance at meeting Will Smith!

Pick up your phone, asshole!

When I call, it's an actual emergency!

Rick?

Unity.

Take it easy, take it easy.

I can explain. Just let me get things under control.

You controlling things is the explanation.

And we agreed you wouldn't do it where I work.

What the fuck are you spraying me with?

A new scent I picked up after you left.

I call it "Separation."

You concocted a me repellent?

Does that look like a bad idea?

Rick, are you in a relationship with the population of Virginia?

We dated.

All: I just want to talk.

I'm pretty sure you have trillions of cellphones.

No, come back! Let's talk!

Thank God you had a crack team with you.

Where's Helen? "Helen"?

She initiated first name.

Whoa! Call in a chopper!

I'm being cock blocked!

Rick...

it's me.

I was released from Unity.

Cool. So you won't mind if I spray this.

I won't, but we're surrounded

and Unity knows your reload time.

I really believe you and Unity should talk.

How would you know? You're just a nutritionist.

When you work in nutritionism as long as I have,

you get a certain feel.

All: Calm down.

We came because we're worried about you.

Why? We hear things, Rick.

I tried calling, but is it true you're looking for... him again?

You almost died last time. That's none of your business.

All: You're our business. You quit that business!

And you're fired from that business!

And I'm using your last paycheck to cover the stapler

you stole which was my heart!

Civil War, baby!

Sorry! That was supposed to be suppressive!

Aah! Aah! Rick, wait!

Aah!

Thank you, Andre. Thank you, Helen.

It's time to put these bastards on ice.

Cue up the dome!

Yes, sir!

Ow!

Do you have a dome the size of every state?

You'll need a second date for that answer.

Barf.

News Anchor: A nation in turmoil tonight as the entire state of Virginia

continues to be trapped inside an energy dome.

The White House released a statement dismissing

the President's shouts of "Civil War, baby," as hyperbole.