Man on the Moon

Hello.

I am Andy.

And I would like to thank you for coming to my movie.

I wish it was better, you know.

But it is so stupid. It's terrible.

I do not even like it.

All of the most important things in my life...

are changed around and mixed up...

for dramatic purposes.

So...

I decided to cut out all of the baloney.

Now, the movie is much shorter.

In fact, this is the end of the movie.

Thank you very much.

I am not fooling. Good-bye.

Go.

Well, you're still here. Okay!

I hope you're not upset.

I did that to get rid of those folks who just wouldn't understand me.

And don't even want to try!

Actually, the movie is really great.

It's just filled with colorful characters, like the one I just did...

and the one I'm doing now.

Our story begins...

back in Great Neck, Long Island.

This is our house.

And that's my father's old car.

That's my father.

That's my little brother, Michael.

That's my little sister, Carol.

And that's my mom.

Janice, Andy's up in his room?

Yeah.

Mr. Bear is saying that Mrs. Cat made his head fall off.

Mrs. Bear is saying, she saw it, and it's not true.

Today's special guest, Mr. Bear. What's up, Mr. Bear?

Andy?

Son, this has got to stop.

Our house is not a television station. There's not a camera in that wall.

I mean, this is not healthy. You should be outside, playing sports.

But I have my own sports show.

Andy, you know that's not what I meant. I'm gonna put my foot down.

No more playing alone.

You want to perform, you have got to have an audience.

They're right there!

That is not an audience. That is plaster.

An audience is made of people. People who live and breathe.

Andy Kaufman and Howdy Doody present, The Animal Song!

Now, I'm gonna say the animal, and then you tell me what it says, okay?

Okay.

"The cow goes."

"Moo."

"And the cat goes."

"Meow, meow."

"And the bird goes."

"Tweet, tweet.

"Tweet, tweet.

"And the lion goes.

"Roar.

"And the dog goes.

"And the cat goes.

"Meow.

"And the bird goes.

"Tweet.

"And the pig goes.

"Oink.

"And that's the way it goes".

The comedy stylings of Andy Kaufman, ladies and gentlemen.

So, Mr. Besserman, same spot tomorrow?

I don't know, Andy. I think I have to let you go.

You're firing me?

You don't even pay me.

I don't want to seem insulting, but your act is like Amateur Hour.

You're doing sing-alongs for 6-year-olds, puppets that aren't funny, playing records.

But it's totally original. I mean, no one's ever done it.

I'm not like everyone else.

Everybody else gets this place cooking.

It was cooking. There was a man over here that was really upset.

He stormed out, and many people left in the middle of your act.

I can't sell booze to people walking out.

It's just about booze, not comedy or art.

I can't sell booze when you sing, Pop Goes the Weasel.

Booze is all that matters.

I'm running a business here. It's show business.

Show. Business.

Show. Business. Without the "business" there's no "show."

And there's no show for you.

What do you want me to do? "Take my wife, please!"

Well, at least it's a joke. Try some jokes.

Like: Why did the Siamese twins go to England?

I don't know. Why did they go to England?

So the other one could drive.

Why doesn't the other one just learn how to drive?

Maybe that one isn't for you, but do jokes about the traffic.

Do impressions. Maybe some blue material.

Thank you very much. Good night!

Now?

Thank you very much.

One thing I do not like is too much traffic.

You know?

Tonight I had to come from...

And the freeway, it was so much traffic.

It took me an hour and a half to get here.

But, talking about the terrible things...

My wife, take my wife. Please take her!

No.

I'm only kidding.

I love my wife. But she don't know how to cook.

Her cooking is so bad. it's terrible.

Now, I would like to do for you...

the imitations.

I would like to start with Jimmy Carter.

The President of the United States.

Hello. I am Jimmy Carter...

the President of the United States.

Thank you very much.

Now, I would like to do for you...

the Elvis Presley.

"Well, it's one for the money Two for the show."

"Three to get ready Now go, cat, go."

"But don't you step on my blue suede shoes."

"You can do anything but lay off of my blue suede shoes."

"Let's go, cat!"

Budd, what's the story with this guy?

I think he's from Lithuania.

"Well, it's a blue, blue suede shoes baby."

"Well, it's a blue, blue suede shoes baby."

"You can do anything but lay off of my blue suede shoes."

"Oh well, we were dancin'."

"We were dancin' to the Jailhouse Rock."

"All right!"

Thank you very much.

Hey, I really enjoyed your set.

I'm sorry, I didn't mean to startle you. I really liked what you did out there.

Thank you very much.

So, I understand you're from Lithuania.

No. I am from Caspiar.

Caspiar huh?

It is a very small island in the Caspian Sea.

It sunk.

I'm sorry.

Well, look, I'm probably out of my mind...

but I think you're very interesting, and if you ever need representation...

we should talk.

Okay.

"George Shapiro."

Mr. Shapiro!

It is an honor, sir.

Caspiar huh?

I want to be the biggest star in the world.

People love comedians.

I'm not a comedian. I don't do jokes. I don't know what's funny.

I'm a song-and-dance man.

Yeah.

Thank you.

I particularly suggest the lotus root.

You show a lot of promise, and my concern is...

I don't know where to book you. You're not a standup...

and your act doesn't exactly translate itself to film, so...

So, help me. Where do you see yourself?

I've always wanted to play Carnegie Hall.

That's funny.

See, I don't want to go for cheap laughs.

I want real gut reactions. I want the audience...

to have gone through an experience.

They love me, they hate me, they walk out.

It's all great!

Andy, you got a little something.

When I'm famous, I'm gonna sell these. "As worn by Andy Kaufman."

You can have this one. It's probably gonna be worth a lot...

'cause it was actually up my nose.

You're insane!

But you might also be brilliant.

Hello? George Shapiro here.

Yeah. is this George Shapiro?

Yeah, speaking.

Speaking! Reeking, seeking, creaking. Freaking. Big freakin' deal!

Tell me somethin' I don't know, toadstool!

Can I help you with something?

Yeah, you stay away from Andy Kaufman...

if you know what's good for you! Crankshaft!

Who is this?

Do not twist my noodle, toy poodle!

This is Tony Clifton!

A name to respect! A name to fear! And Kaufman is a lying bastard!

He is a psychopath!

Now, slowly open your eyes.

You should feel rested, relaxed and alert.

I would like to thank you, Your Holiness.

My heart is radiating pure energy.

No, wait.

I'm sorry.

I have a question.

Is there a secret to being funny?

Yes.

Silence.

Welcome back to Saturday Night Live. And now...

as a special treat on our first show, musical guest, Andy Kaufman!

What's wrong with this guy?

This is dead air.