Modern Family

Thank you.

Ding! Ding! Ding! Ding! Ding! Samples!

Mmm!

Mmm.

Excuse me, do I know you?

I don't think so.

You look so familiar. Why am I picturing a bench ad?

Minor celebrity. Guilty as charged.

Oh! You're the "Accidentes" guy.

Mm. No. No, no, no.

Um, I'm, uh...

I'm Mr. Real Estate... Phil Dunphy.

Oh, right.

I am actually looking for a house right now.

Wow. Well, if I could be of any service...

I don't... I don't have any cards.

I'm in my gym clothes.

Oh, I see you earned that hot chocolate.

Yeah, I rocked a pretty intense Shake Weights/power walk combo.

Morning, neighbors.

Saw your daughter yesterday. Boy, she is growing up fast.

My name is Angie.

Here is my number.

If you find any good three-bedrooms in the neighborhood,

I'd love to see them.

Well, I'll call you. I'd love to show them to you.

I'm not just a pretty face people sit on.

Forget... I said that.

Here you go.

Oh, thanks, honey.

Who's Angie?

Oh. Just a woman I m-met inside.

Really? She gave you her number?

And dotted her "I" with a little heart?

Oh, yeah. She's looking for a house.

Sweet old lady.

Don't know why I said that.

Little overweight.

No idea where that came from.

Thick Irish accent.

I panicked!

I should have told the truth,

but Claire knows I have... a type.

It was just a little white lie.

Ironically.

Captions by VITAC...

Hey, America!

I didn't see you there.

Welcome to another live webcast of "Jay Talking."

You know what really gets my goat?

Goat cheese.

It's on everything.

I hate it.

The only thing worse than goat cheese

is eating it at a communal table

with some jerk wearing a hat inside.

Have some respect.

And pull up your pants!

Only crack I want to see is in the Liberty Bell.

Greatest country on the damn planet.

If, six months ago,

you'd have told me I'd have a big Internet show,

I would have said, "Yeah, that adds up."

I used to entertain my staff with jokes and observations.

When I retired,

I started sharing those gems around the house.

Manny went so nuts for it, he set up the whole webcast.

Sorry, Internet. He's your problem now.

Bottom line, you can keep your hashtags,

'cause I like hashbrowns.

But, hey...

that's just "Jay Talking."

And we're out.

Wow. 90 minutes just flew by.

Hey, guys!

The comments are already rolling in!

"Keep it up, Jay."

"You're saying what we're all thinking."

"I miss chop suey, too."

I love it, because now everybody gets to see what I live with.

What the hell? This guy again? Who?

Some meatball named "LadyKiller52"

been dogging me for days.

Look what he wrote.

"Hey, Grandpa, no one cares what you think."

Are you sure that that's not from Haley?

Here's another one. The same jerk!

"It's weird you don't like goat cheese

when you've got a goat face."

Well, that makes no sense. Mnh-mnh.

What kind of goat eats its own cheese?

Here I am, trying to make America laugh and think,

and this hockey puck's coming at me with tired insults.

Okay, i-it's called a troll, Jay.

But you can't let him or anything else

keep you from directing all of your opinions

into that computer.

You're right, Manny.

It's tough being in the public eye.

Now I know why Sinatra was always punching guys.

Hola, Claire.

Hey. What's going on?

You do a lot of yoga, right?

Ah, I used to.

But all those judgy vegans

with their ponytails and their Lululemon,

I'm like, "nama-stay home," you know what I mean?

Um...

I just started taking it,

but I think that the instructor is hitting on me.

He is. How do you know?

Because you're you in yoga pants.

Ugh.

Just go to another class.

But this one is perfect.

It's at the same time as Joe's Gymboree,

right next door.

Ay, why don't you come with me today

and tell me if I'm just being crazy?

Sure. Text me the info.

Hey, remind her!

Oh! And don't forget...

Today, all-new episode of "Jay Talking."

He takes on restaurants

that write their menus on blackboards.

I want to feel a menu in my hands!

Hey, girl.

What are you doing? Nothing.

Just wanted to say hi, talk about stuff.

What stuff? I don't know.

I just miss you.

We could talk about anything.

How about... Watergate?

Like, what would you say

were the three most significant ways

it changed American politics?

Cite your sources.

I'm not writing your essay.

Okay. See you at Easter.

Hey. I'm back.

How'd your showing with Angie-with-a-heart go?

Oh, fine. Uneventful.

Nondescript.

This shower's really small.

Could you imagine me in here?

Weird thing... I was with her for two hours,

I couldn't pick her out of a crowd.

Really? That is weird.

Nothing weird about it.

You just said it was weird.

That's weird. Give me a kiss!

Mwah!

What are you up to, buddy?

Writing a paper on President Nixon.

What an idiot.

He had it all and just threw it away

because of some stupid lie.

Well, maybe it came out of his mouth

before he knew what he was saying.

Okay, but then he just kept lying over and over

and making it worse and worse.

Phil, how old is Angie?

Oh, uh, gosh... 70. Why?

I was thinking about that house on Forsyth.

It's nice but has a lot of stairs.

No. She's too... fat for that.

Hmm.

Therefore, I shall resign the presidency

effective at noon tomorrow.

If only he had told the truth.

He was in too deep!

Ta-da! Check out what I got!

No, thanks.

Thought we could go to the park tomorrow

and you could finally learn.

What pavement tastes like?

I don't think so.

Well, Lily, when you're ready, it's here for you.

Mitchell, can I, um, speak to you in the bedroom

about the, uh, dust ruffle?

Don't worry... The dust ruffle's leaving.

Okay, why are you doing this?

We need Lily to get on this bike.

Why are you pushing this so hard?

She's clearly afraid.

She's been afraid of a lot of things lately.

Last week, she wouldn't even open her closet door

because she thought something scary was in there.

Could be the denim jumpsuit your mom made her.

This is a pivotal moment.

We can't raise a child

who won't ride a bike or get on an airplane

or eat mayonnaise.

It's a texture thing. How does egg become that?

We are doing this tomorrow. She is getting on this bike.

What's the rush? She's 8 years old.

Most Vietnamese kids her age are already riding a bike to work.

So, where's Mahatma Handsy?

I noticed that you have a lot of these yoga puns.

I don't think we need any more.