St. Elsewhere

Here I am at work again -

after a month of sleeping late and home cooking, I'm back in Boston.

Oh, Boston in the summer, gives a whole new meaning

to the word "shvitz",

which brings me to the new first year residents,

who I've been given the honour of leading around on their first day.

On the looks of this bunch,

my sympathies to anyone who gets sick in the next three months.

Now you are going to see how St Eligius really works.

Elliott, pass these out.

Nice hands, Elliott.

Thanks.

Everyone, pick one up.

Turn to page XXI.

Who here reads?

I do.

Fine. Read the section, "What Is A Resident?"

"A person, who having been regularly admitted to a medical school,

"duly recognised in the country in which it is located,"

"has completed the prescribed course of study and medicine -"

"and has acquired the requisite qualifications"

"to be legally licensed to practise medicine."

That is... wrong.

A resident, especially a first year resident, is nothing.

The days are 36 hours long.

Sleep is a fond childhood memory.

Everything you think you learned, don't think about it.

This place certainly fell apart while I was gone.

The city made them close it.

After all the money they spent on reconstruction, I can,

without hesitation, say that this ER still looks like a dump.

Annie, Phil...

I guess this is what happens when the umpire strikes back.

Excuse me!

Anybody want to grab this one?

Excuse me. Looks like heat exhaustion.

Possible angina attack. Is he taking any medication?

His wife said he took

two nitroglycerine sublingual a few minutes ago.

Help me get him on a gurney.

Take his blood pressure and get a heart rate.

Shirley, start an IVD 5LR. Elliott, oxygen, four litres per minute

and let's get him on a monitor now.

You don't know something, you just ask. If no-one's around, you guess.

What if we guess wrong?

Next stop on the tour, the morgue.

What do you keep in there - addresses? So, where was I?

Philadelphia.

Oh, yes. I said, "Take the cotton out of your ears and listen to me."

She says, "What?" She's got this otitis media ear infection.

She picked it up when she fell out of the boat.

How did you spend your month off?

I got involved in the nuclear freeze movement.

Trust me, Jack, there's no future in it.

Hi, guys, what's up?

Jack's gone activist on us. No nukes.

BLEEPING

See you later!

What brought this on? Clancy.

A boy, a girl or a Cocker Spaniel?

She's at Radcliffe. We have a meaningful relationship

and she thinks Pete is great.

And the sex is incredible.

Yeah.

Does she have a sister?

Howdy-doody, Lucy, what's your problem?

Mrs Sato's repertory rate is still low since

you extirpated her yesterday.

Oh, brother, what am I going to do?

In my opinion, you should knock off the morphine and put her on Narcan.

Hey, babe, I'd change the medication order right now

but my hands are tied.

I thought that was Roberta's problem!

This is Dr Swales' patient.

Swales!

Yes, the Invisible Man!

He's got admitting privileges, but he's never here.

No big deal. Just call him and get the OK.

No, you call him.

Oh, me call him. That's right, I forgot.

This is "Nurses Are People Too" Week at St Eligius.

Erlich... What, honey?

If it's the last thing I do, I'm going to dance on your grave.

Oh you will, huh? Great.

Thank you, Lucy - thoughts like that help carry me through the day(!)

The morgue.

A cool place to hang out on a day like today. Just ask these guys.

OK, everybody, turn to page XXXIV, "Pronouncing A Patient Dead."

Who's our first contestant?

Is this mic on? I know you're out there.

I can here you breathing.

You, step up. Don't be shy.

I've seen dead bodies before.

Well, you'll be good at this game. Pick a door, any door.

You can win an all-expense paid trip to Province.

You're awfully glib.

What's your name?

Po. Alan Po.

Dr Po, pick a door.

This is stupid.

No, this is the morgue. You're not paying attention.

Go ahead!

There, big deal.

Now what do you do?

I enter the time of death,

my final note and call the attending physician.

You forgot something.

Oh?

Yep, he's dead.

You know, I don't think any of this is so damn funny.

Neither do I.

The patients you'll pronounce, you'll have never seen before.

To their families, you'll be a stranger with bad news.

Other families you'll have gotten to know and to them,

you'll be a friend with bad news.

Either way, it stinks.

At least a sense of humour will keep you out of the psych ward.

OK? OK. Now on with the tour.

We're going to go to the third floor for heavy metal and cutlery.

Elliott, close the door.

I know, I know. I've got the reports right in front of me.

Look, Mrs Hatch. I don't think giving a couple of ghetto kids scholarships

is going to ruin St Ursula's.

Besides, think of how good it will be for our basketball team.

Bull!

I am not interested in preserving the snob appeal of this school

at the expense of other children.

Father Flynn is here. We're already ten minutes late for the meeting.

Mrs Hatch, I appreciate your concern.

I realise how much you've done for us.

I guess it was just your bad luck that I was elected Mother Superior,

for life.

Yeah. I'll see you in church.

I know, I should have been more tactful.

Her husband is head of our order's finance committee.

And she's a bigot. Lindsay...

Theresa told me you're in a hurry so I'll keep it short.

I just got off the phone with the archdiocese.

They regrettably passed on giving us a new computer system.

How do you expect these kids to graduate with real skills

unless they have the right equipment?

I think we should go ahead and order the computers.

The parish can't afford to. How will we pay for it?

Tonight, the Sisters and I will start a novena and pray for it.

You're kidding.

No, I'm not. It works wonders.

Like last winter, when we needed a new heating system.

My prayers are always answered.

I've got a great track record. The money will appear.

OK, OK.

I'll go back to the foundation to see if we can get an extra grant.

Thank you, Lindsay. I was hoping you'd say that. Is the car out front?

Got to run.

We're stopping by the bakery. Can we bring you anything?

A tart.

Lemon?

KNOCK AT DOOR

Come in.

Hi! It's freezing in here. Can you turn that thing down?

I'm afraid it has only one setting - Arctic!

There was a meeting last night of the nurses' union.

Making plans for the annual picnic?

They want to know when you and I

are going to schedule our next round of contract negotiations.

What seems to be the rush?

It's been dragging on for a month now.

Sorry, Daniel, I don't mean to sound overly argumentative.

How come you expect us to work without a contract?

You have a contract.

KNOCK AT DOOR

Ah, the only functioning air conditioner in the building. Hi!

One of the perks of being Chief of Services.

You know, there's a consensus over at the union that you're stalling.

We've had 16 bargaining sessions, including that 12-hour marathon.

They've asked me to file unfair labour charges against this hospital.

That's ridiculous.

Don't they realise that this is the first time in St Eligius's history

we've had to deal with the nurses' union.

Besides, Daniel's been preoccupied with the ER reconstruction

and he's still recovering from that collapse in the elevator.

I'm feeling fine. Are you free at 4 o'clock?

Yes, I am.

I think we can work out our differences then.

Me too. Thanks for the sweater.

I'm glad to see you two are getting close to settling this.

Frankly, Donald, the woman and I don't see eye to eye at all.

Gesundheit.

You know, I used to think doing the Lord's work

was simply a matter of faith, not files.

Buckle up, Teresa.

In a minute! I've got to admit something to you.

Wait! Don't tell me, you're thinking about jumping over the wall.

Not since Vatican two.

All those changes did not make any sense to me.

Suddenly, everything I grew up believing wasn't kosher any more.

If you left now, I'd never be able to decipher your filing system.

Will you let me finish my thought?

Sorry.

I love the way you stood up to Mrs Hatch. I could never do that.

It's not hard to stand up to ignorant people.