Man Like Mobeen

- What the- - I feel sick.

I thought-

What did you think?

I thought it was a laptop.

- How have you got confused between a laptop

and a dead cat in a bag?

It's just so upsetting.

It's squidgy.

A laptop's not squidgy, is it?

- I thought it was bubble wrap, innit?

So a dude pulls up to you,

offers you a laptop in a bin bag,

and you think that's a good deal?

That is a good deal.

150 pounds for a laptop, that's wicked.

- It's a very good deal for a laptop.

Not a dead cat in a bag.

- Why wouldn't you look inside it before you bought it?

What?

When you go and buy a can of Coke from the shop,

do you look inside to see if it's got a Coke in it

or does it just have Coke in it?

Huh?

Listen, I didn't get a receipt, innit?

So I can't take it back, so...

How are we going to get rid of it?

- How do you think we're going to get rid of it?

I'll have to do it.

All right.

I'm not carrying it this time.

What's wrong with him, Nate?

Where are you going?

To hell.

You're in so much trouble,

you don't even know.

You're in trouble as well.

- Why? What did he do? - What?

Did he stroke the cat?

Oh, yeah, he touched it.

Mm, what does that mean?

Your fingerprints are all over the ting.

Come here, open the bag for me.

Pass it here.

Pass it here, yeah.

Don't shake it!

- Now you can see its face properly, yeah?

Look at that.

That cat did not die of natural causes.

Horrible, yeah?

When they die of natural causes,

they're all, "Meow! Meow!" - Yeah.

Bruv, look at his face...

Something rolled up on that pussycat and murdered him, bro.

The RSPCA are fully looking for you.

- Will this affect my National Trust membership?

They might revoke that shit.

Oh, shit!

Listen, don't worry.

I'll come visit you in prison, innit?

If Mobeen drives, I'll come.

Yeah, don't bother.

Oh, shit!

Where are you going?

Go, go, go!

Get your hands in the air!

Armed police!

Get your fucking hands in the air now!

Hands in the air!

Especially you, Mobeen! - OK, OK, OK!

- Where's your fucking friend gone?

Why has he run off?

I asked you a question.

I don't know.

If I had to guess,

I'd probably say it's because he's black.

- What? - Look, officer,

I don't know if you've heard of this thing called history.

Yeah?

But these situations very rarely work out for the black man.

What's in the bag?

What's in the bag?

- It's a laptop. - It's a dead cat.

Sajid?

You take this one.

Hold on a minute.

Is that Saj from school?

Stuart Little?

It is Stuart Little!

- Didn't you call him Lord Of The Rings?

- Yeah. - Here, let me help you.

- Don't. - Get back, get back.

Hands in the air!

What have you found, Frodo?

It's a dead cat, sir.

- What the fuck is wrong with you people?

Fucking hell!

Look who's in charge now, huh?

Sajid, listen, man.

Why have you got all the shit out?

Are you arresting Ironman or what?

It's me!

- The risk assessment management meeting

dictates this level of response.

- "The risk assessment management meeting

dictates this level of..."

Shut up, Sajid.

Shut up!

Well, sorry and all that.

You could have trained two highly qualified nurses

with the money you spent

on training this useless brown bollock.

Don't call me that.

Don't call me that. - Listen!

Listen, yeah?

Stop wasting taxpayer's money on this bullshit.

We're the police,

we waste taxpayer's money on whatever we like.

Yeah.

- Well, you could have got three RSPCA officers-

Hands in the air, now!

- You, you're under arrest. - Why?

What? Him, why?

What did I do?

What did he do again, sir?

- Someone matching your description,

is using kids to sell drugs.

He matches the description,

so he's coming with us.

- Sorry, what was his description?

Brown male, in jogging bottoms.

Oh, well, it could be you, eh?

I think it is me.

It's not you!

This is racial profiling.

Go suck your mum's.

We know our rights.

- Oh, don't play the race card, Mobeen.

I am the race card.

Why would you say...

What does that mean?

- What does that mean? - Why would you say that?

Just so you know, yeah,

he was never happy being at Feast.

You always wanted to be a vanilla Magnum, didn't you?

Didn't you?

- Tell him it's got nothing to do with racial profiling.

- This has nothing to do with racial profiling.

- It's got nothing to do with racial profiling.

Dude.

Careful, sunshine.

It would be a shame if I had a little mishap at work,

and accidentally shot you six times in the fucking face.

- Accidentally shot you in the face six fucking times.

I've had enough of this shit.

- Cuff him. - No, no, no.

- I told you I'd get you back, look at me.

Mobeen!

My dick is in your face,

what are you going to do about it?

Look at me.

Look at me.

Stand down.

No more coffee for you in the morning!

Christ!

Fuck!

I just don't feel comfortable

with the level of tension in your scalp.

You know as well,

I read on the internet, yeah,

they've got this, um,

extracts of volcanic ash cloud and that, right?

- Mum never took this long to do my braids.

- Unless she's turned into Pakistan's version of Mr. Tickle,

she can't reach your hair from Karachi, can she?

So you're stuck with your big brother during your hair.

- Can't I get a professional to do them?

Oi! I am a professional.

I want more volume in here.

I need more volume.

I want to get it hench and that, like,

try feathering it.

I could even layer it, you know.

- Or maybe just finish off my braids.

I can hear my hair growing!

Mm.

Is Eight still in custody?

Is being a weirdo finally a crime?

If he was in prison for that,

he'd be in prison for the rest of his life, wouldn't he?

No, the old Bill think he's been selling drugs.

Eight, a drug dealer?

That's funny.

That's what I said as well.

Everyone knows it's Shahid.

Why do you even know that name?

Have you lost weight?

You're looking trim, you know.

Stop all that, yeah.

Tell me what you know.

The rumor in Year Ten,