Landscapers

Ah.

All right!

So, tell us what brings you here today, Christopher?

What brings me here today? Erm...

Well...

Um...anyone, really.

Er...

Er, I... I like to read, which I suppose makes sense.

I'm a librarian.

So, anyone interested in books, erm, I suppose.

Er, I like films.

'I love going to the cinema.

I like old films especially.

I like, er, romantic films, um... French films.

Oh, I love old Westerns.

I used to watch those with my grandfather.'

'The older ones. Er, Some Like It Hot.

Er, The Golden Age.

Oh, though, I do like... Oh, what's he called?

Gerard Depardieu.

Erm, yeah, there's something about him I find quite...'

interesting.

'John Wayne films er...'

I love that film High Noon.

Anything with Gary Cooper in it.

'If you could just tell us a bit more about who you are...

as a person.'

'Who I am?'

'Yeah, just what sort of person do you think you are deep down?'

Deep down. That's quite tricky, isn't it?

'Uh...

Sorry.

Um...

I sup... I'm...'

'Take your time.'

I...um...

Sorry. I didn't expect you to ask me that.

That's OK.

'He was often very proud, very stubborn.

Smart boy in many ways.

Could've gone to university.'

But he just wasn't motivated in that way.

Hard working but not always productive,

if you know what I mean.

And he didn't want to leave his mother was the other thing.

Or his brother.

So, he was close to his mum? And his brother - was it "David"?

Yes.

Yes, it was David.

What about his erm...

relationship with the victims, the er... Wycherleys?

I only met the Wycherleys once, at the wedding.

Well, the mother, anyway.

The father I don't remember that much.

But Chris never really spoke to me about that kind of thing.

And the truth is he and I never spoke much about anything.

After he and Susan got married...

..they both just disappeared into their own world.

How do you mean?

Well, neither of them are built for THIS one, are they?

If you told me that they'd beamed their way in on little spaceships,

I'd have half a mind to believe you.

Oh, don't tell me I'm onto something.

Are they aliens?

So, this erm...

this might seem like a stupid question,

but can I ask you about the word "fragile"?

Chris, he often refers to Susan as "fragile" in his...

in his emails, in... in conversation.

Yes.

Yes, he does.

Just wondering what that's about, I guess.

If you want to understand my step-son, you should know

that he has always found himself someone like that.

Someone "fragile", if you like.

Whether it be his mother or his brother.

It's not my story to tell, I'm afraid.

But they both died before their time...

..put it that way.

And Chris took it very, very hard.

Especially when David went.

I'd never seen a man weep like that before.

Quite harrowing, actually.

It's one of the only times I ever held him.

He's a lot bigger than me but, my goodness, did he feel small.

But that's Chris, you see.

He's always trying to save someone...

..and he never manages to do it.

Would you like me to make you a cup of tea?

No, thanks. I'll be all right in a minute.

OK.

Let me know if you change your mind.

Yes, please, actually.

Two sugars, please.

Need a bit of a pick-me-up. Coming right up!

'Dear Gerard Depardieu,

my husband and I are huge fans of your work,

particularly the dramas,

though we also think you're an excellent comedic actor.

I am writing to ask you most humbly for a signed photograph.

I would love to give this to my husband, Chris,

to lift his spirits, as he has recently been bereaved.

He tragically lost his dear brother David several months ago

and has been inconsolable ever since.

I know that a message and a gift from you would give him strength.

We live in England but we love France.

We think you live in the most romantic country in the world.

Un grand merci in advance, Mr Depardieu.

Yours faithfully, Susan Edwards.

Susan's at her parents' house in Mansfield - without Chris.

He's back in London.

Her mother, Patricia Wycherley - possible drink problem.

Her father, William, was sexually abusive towards Susan.

Allegedly. Let's assume it's true.

Patricia shoots her husband.

She's pissed. Some kind of row.

Bang, bang. First question - why has Patricia got a gun?

Patricia drops the gun.

Susan picks it up.

Patricia says horrible things to Susan, winds her up -

Bang, bang again. Whoops, Mum's dead too.

She cannelloni's her parents in a blanket and leaves them under the bed for a week.

Correct, sir. Then she gets the coach back down to London,

tells her husband her parents are off to Blackpool,

so they need to house-sit.

They head back up to Mansfield. Fish supper.

Susan can't take it any more. Spills the beans.

Husband digs a massive hole, buries both bodies in the garden.

And we think that's a load of old...?

Bullshit! Good.

So, first task is to prove that it's rubbish.

Second task is to work out what actually happened.

Was it premeditated? Are we looking at joint enterprise?

If so, how do we convince the CPS?

'For the record, I'm placing evidence from Catalogue A on the table.'

Gary Cooper.

President Eisenhower.

John Wayne.

Kirk Douglas.

Sir Winston Churchill.

Charles de Gaulle.

Personal correspondence with the actor Gerard Depardieu.

Oh, yes, Gerard. Be very careful with those, please.

Are you friends with him, Mr Edwards?

Not exactly.

Susan wrote to him once and we just stayed in touch.

All right.

These are all glamorous men, aren't they?

Heroic men.

How do YOU fit into that?

This is all you brought back with you from France.

It's all you've got left, in't it?

No money in the bank.

No other assets to speak of.

Half of it bought behind your back

with credit cards you had to work to pay off.

She was using money you had earned to buy tat.

Look...

..this may not be to your taste, but it is not tat.

Some of these are highly sought-after and very rare.

Actually, Susan has immaculate taste when it comes to things like this.

700 quid.

Don't know what you paid for it, but we've had it appraised at 700.

It is, I'm afraid, what we call in the business...

a big old pile of useless tat.

You're lying.

I can do that?

It's all right, love.

We've, er... We've got some, have we?

In the spice drawer.

Oh! Dang it.

The top's come off! They've gone everywhere.

No, no, no, you finish your eggs in peace.

It's my mess. Dustpan's under the sink!

You all right?

No, er... They've scurried into all the nooks and corners.

I need the hoover. Oh, no. I can do that. It's a bit of a jumble.

I'm not a baby, Susan.

And it's hardly a jumble.

What are these?

This is a lot of money, Susan. It's an investment. We can sell it.

Picture Show Magazine, £400. It's signed by Gary Cooper!

That's not the point! We don't have this money!

We've never had this money. I don't earn enough.

I was gonna tell you about that one.

"Dear Mr Wycherley..." This is to your father.

Look, I can explain. "As you are about to turn 100,

we at the Department for Work and Pensions

would like to visit you at the above address

to conduct an in-person interview"!

But it...it's OK.

How is it OK? We've told 'em he's living with us. He isn't, is he?

No, but I wrote to them and asked them to delay.

It doesn't matter how long we wait.

Your father's never gonna attend this interview, is he?

I know that. What did you think would happen?

Hey? Why did you hide this letter from me?

'It's a compulsion. It's her way of dealing with things that er...

It's like she's trying to buy back the happiness

that her parents stole away from her.'