The Office

Today is the test launch day for the inaugural Sabre store.

And I, Dwight Truth I'm in charge of the entire operation.

If I can prove myself today

and the store is a hit with the media

and Nellie sees this,

the vice presidency is mine.

Hey are you holding this chair? 'Cause I feel like...

- Yes. Yes. Yes. - I'm gonna fall off.

I'm not wearing the right shoes for this.

We went over this, okay?

Your tiny fingers make the best knots.

Hey, strangers.

So stoked for the Sabre store opening.

Hey, my name's Tabitha.

I'm camped out in front of the Sabre store

so I can be first in line for the new pyramid.

Psst. It's me, Erin.

Dwight had me pretend to be a hipster to create hype,

and it's working.

There's already people camped out behind me.

Test launch day, people.

Now, I would like to fill you in

on a little secret about me

to inspire you today.

Now, I know you probably all think

I'm this patrician goddess.

But here's the truth.

I was born in the little working class town of Basildon,

and until the age of 32,

I talked like this,

which was bloody horrendous, innit?

I came from dirt--

No, lower than...

What's lower than dirt?

Loam, magma, mantle, outer core, inner core.

- Yeah, thank you. - Loam.

Bloody loam, I came from.

I hit rock bottom.

Which Spice Girl?

The black one.

I never stood a chance.

Okay.

Now, think about my journey here today,

and let it inspire your journey.

Okay. Nellie, thank you.

- Thank you so much. - Yep.

Today is press day,

and press is gonna make or break this store.

And for a tech company, press can only mean one thing--

Bloggers.

Dossier on bloggers.

Bloggers are gross, bloggers are obese.

Bloggers have halitosis.

You're gonna love 'em.

Ryan is going to be the main event today.

He is the pitchman who is going to give

the feisty, yet profound speech

worthy of a world's fair.

Ryan, you ready to do this?

When people see this presentation,

they're gonna in their pants.

- Okay. - Come on, man.

Seriously disgusting.

Cathy, you will be the hot girl who talks to bloggers.

Ugh. Kill me.

That was my idea.

Packer, you will be the sexual predator

who has come to prey on the trendy teenage girls

who are obsessed with the pyramid.

- Uh... - Uh...

That is excellent.

I don't see what that gets us, but I'm a team player.

Perfect casting, right?

Schrute's out to get me.

But I'm playing the long game.

As soon as he messes up,

I swoop in like a sexual predator.

I want to create a sense of wonder

and enthusiasm

as if, at the end of ET, candy poured out of the screen.

Do you understand?

I wanna get goose pimples.

Speaking of pimples,

let's release the bloggers!

Morning, everyone.

Oh, Andy, guess what happened to me this morning?

Don't care. Tell me later.

Listen, it's important. You've gotta hear this.

What do you got?

- Oh, my God. - Do you have a black eye?

Yes, I do, Phyllis.

I woke up at 4:00 A.M. by accident,

in time for the paper to be delivered.

Guess what.

It's not a kid on a bike. It's a man in a car.

Andy, who punched you?

Hey, I was on the can.

What's this about a black guy in the office?

Black eye, Meredith.

Will someone please explain what's going on here?

Since the interesting thing happened till now,

so much time has passed, it's like my life is buffering.

Here's what happened.

Pam and I were arriving for the day,

and there was a gang in the parking lot

on bikes, on-- on motorcycles.

And they just were hassling Pam...

- That's true. - They had, uh...

- Weapons. - Weapons.

I just stepped in to talk some sense into them.

But these were not the kind of people who use their words.

Punches were going, and I ducked a few,

landed a couple, and I was fighting them off.

It was totally, like-- like, senseless crime.

- Thank goodness he was there. - Good job, Andy.

Yeah!

I didn't do anything any of you wouldn't have done.

Open the gates!

There's plenty for everyone. No need to panic.

- There's plenty for everyone! - Quit it!

There's plenty! Don't stampede.

No need to stampede, sir.

- I was ahead of you! - Okay, okay, hey, hey!

It's gonna be fine.

It's gonna be fine. There's plenty of pyramids.

Come on. I was in line before you.

So you're a blogger, right?

Yeah. Blogger.

God, stay away.

Oh, I always get in trouble around bloggers.

I'm trying to be a good girl for once.

Uh, yeah, I already bought my pyramid,

but I don't want to leave yet.

I haven't had so much fun since seeing...

Zoo-ey Desh-channel at the Couch-arilla Music Festival.

So fun.

How can we feel safe knowing that there are gangs here?

We should call the police right now!

- No! - Yes!

No, no, no, no, no, we don't need to call the police.

They'll just ask everybody questions,

get up in everyone's business, right, Pam?

Police are a hassle. We settled this on the street.

And my eye will heal. But if the police come,

then we will forever stain our neighborhood

as a troubled area.

Why would you care

what the police think of our neighborhood?

Because I have neighborhood pride.

1-8-5-0-5.

- 1-8-5-0-5. - Guys, guys.

That's so vague.

You gotta do the zip plus 4.

1-8-5-0-5...

Dash 7-4-2-7!

Look, I don't feel safe.

I think we should call the police.

Exactly. We need to feel safe.

Which is why...

Toby is teaching us self-defense.

Me?

Toby, will you teach us self-defense?

Yeah. Um... I can't believe you remembered

I do self-defense.

Um, I'll go put on my cup.

Great.

- Yes! - Okay.

I wasn't sure which one of you was Chuck!

Yeah, no, it seems to be going great.

Andy got beat up by a fifth grade girl?

Look at that guy.

He's got his Sabre phone on, and he's not even using it.

This is a perfect photo for my "Daily Fail" blog.

Uh, I-I gotta go. Okay.

Dwight, what is a fail? That sounds bad.

Oh, no, no, no. It's good.

It's really-- on the Internet, it's a really--

That's a really good, good thing.

Are you trying to sabotage this entire event?

I'm very sorry.

We gave you an Arrowhead for free

for the day.

How hard would it have been

to do this, hmm?

"Hello. Hi, sweetie. It's Jim.

"I'm calling you from the new Arrowhead,

"which is why my voice is crystal clear

"and my hand won't ever get tired

because of the ergonomic shape."

I'm really sorry. Is there anything I can do,

maybe pretend to be Chuck?

You could have pretended to be Chuck.

I begged you to pretend to be Chuck,

but you chose to be yourself,

and you can no longer be Chuck!

Surrender the tripack.

You know what you have to do.

Point it towards the store, idiot!

You know what I mean...?

One of these buttons is--