$#*! My Dad Says

Dinner!

Dinner...

Dinner!!!

- What is going on? - I made dinner.

Didn't anyone hear the dinner bell?

It's not a dinner bell. It's a ship's warning bell.

It means viet cong torpedo boats--

We're all gonna die!

Well, I made dinner.

We're all gonna die.

I heard the bell. Is everything okay?

I thought it was a dinner bell.

No, honey, that's not what that means.

It's a punishment bell.

It means "come get your spanking."

And you rushed in for that?

Time with dad is time with dad.

All right, it's family dinnertime.

Everyone have a seat. Doesn't matter where.

It does, it does, it does. It does matter...It does...

I don't-- I don't like it.

You know what...

And perfect. Have a seat. Okay.

Bonnie, what are you doing?

We are having family dinner.

But we're not in front of the tv.

That's right. We are at a table

Where families eat dinner.

I thought, since the goodsons are all under one roof,

Albeit temporarily,

That maybe we could start a tradition

Where we sit down at dinner and tell each other about our days.

You know, call me sentimental,

But I think it's a nice way to celebrate being a family.

- Pass. - Ed, ed...

Sit down, please. Just give it a try.

So, henry, you were telling me a story

About a cute fact-checker girl at work.

Oh, hey, you know what they say about fact checkers?

That's a legitimate question.

I don't know anything about fact checkers.

I don't know anything about her either.

I mean, she could be married. She could have a boyfriend.

No, I just remember it was a cute story.

Something you do with her. Go ahead, start talking.

Get the conversation ball rolling.

Well, at work we have this fact checker, kim.

And whenever I'm writing a story,

I put in a funny name.

And then she catches it and changes it into a real name.

There you go-- the very first

Goodson family dinnertime story.

Nowhere to go but up.

Funny names, you say. For instance?

Okay, now you're just making fun of me.

No, no, no. I'm really interested.

Well, it's not gonna be funny out of context,

But, um--so today I wrote an article

About the law firm grabbit and spankaway.

Delightful. Got another one?

Well, I did a story on the new russian actress

Ivanna bangya.

Another one?

I'm actually kind of surprised you like it.

I don't. That's me being nice.

Here's me being mean.

It's your career, not the north korean flag.

You don't pee all over it!

What are you talking about?

You don't joke around at work.

You know what you do at work? You work.

I'm just trying to have a little fun.

You know what happens if I joke around at work?

People die.

You're retired.

You told me your job is to spend all your money

So there's nothing left for me.

That's my passion.

My job is a surgeon.

You work three days a month at a hospital

Just to keep your license.

That's right. And tomorrow I make my rounds

With a doctor exactly your age.

Do you think he got where he is

By jerking around at work?

All right, can we please just talk about something else?

I'm enjoying myself. I like these family dinners.

You're just picking on henry.

Oh, that's right.

It's not fair.

Vince, bonnie...

You threw away your careers.

You're now trying to start a business

Out of my garage.

How's that going for you?

You know what, I'm out of here.

Right behind you.

Well, looks like it's just you and me.

Pass!

So, bonnie, how was your day?

Well, I tried to get a couple of weak-willed men

To sit down at a table with a stubborn old jackass.

Didn't work out so well.

Well, bon, at least you have your looks.

You've got multiple claw and bite marks on your buttocks.

Yeah, I stuck my ass against the bars

Of a wolverine cage.

Wait, if you're here, who's advising the president?

That's okay, grandpa, I've got this one.

No, I've got it. I'm not your grandpa,

But I did do your mother.

Oh, my god, I didn't realize--

You're dr. Ed goodson.

- Yeah. - You're a legend.

You take up three parking spaces with your impala.

I don't want that baby getting scratched.

That shade of burgundy is hard to come by.

It is an honor. Ted barron.

It's good to meet you, dr. Goodson.

- Call me ed. - All right, ed. All right.

So hit me. What are we looking at here?

Well, gary here put his ass against a wolverine cage.

Wait, wait, wait, if you're here,

Then who's working on finding the cure for cancer?

You guys can laugh, but I'm gonna be getting, like,

A million hits on youtube.

Really?

How much money do you get for that?

Nothing. Oh...

Let's have a look shall we?

Both: Oh, my.

About 50 soft-tissue lacerations.

Sutures or tape?

Oh, I only use staples. It's faster.

Staples? Is that gonna hurt?

Both: Not me.

Shall we each take a cheek?

Choose your weapon.

Seriously, guys, I don't like pain.

Seriously, you should have thought of that

Before you pressed ham against the wolverine cage.

Shall we make this interesting?

- Ready. - Set.

- Go! -

- Done. - Damn! Come on!

Be better!

All right, take it easy. You're good, kid.

27 years old, huh?

I know, but I could be better.

My plan is to run this floor in three years,

So I gotta stay focused.

Ah, good for you.

I wake up every morning,

And I stare in the mirror for 45 seconds,

And I say, "what will it take

For me to be the best?"

That's interesting. I've got a kid your age.

He wakes up every morning,

Spends 45 minutes in the shower thinking,

"what can I do to pretend this wash cloth is megan fox?"

He arrives at a solution.

Ooh...Uhh!

Ow.

What are you doing?

Somebody sent me this youtube.

A guy's ass versus wolverine.

Yeah, I met that ass.

I have always admired guys like you.

You do an honest day's work for an honest day's pay.

You guys are the heart and soul of this country.

Ecch, they smell so bad!

Honey, what's with the workers?

I thought I was gonna assemble that dresser.

Yeah, no, I just thought it would be easier,

So I just had them do it there.

But I put together all our furniture.

ehh...Ehh.

You know...

Okay. All right.

what's so funny?

Well, you're like the dog that leaves the vet

And doesn't know his balls are gone

Because he can't see around the neck cone.

Wait, why is that funny?

Well, I am really looking forward

To meeting the congressman.

And I think this interview is gonna be a good opportunity

For him to clear his name from the whole escort scandal.

No, I will not be needing a date.

Interview with the congressman.

Hey, kim. What's going on?

- Oh, hey, devil horns. - What?

Oh, that's your nickname around here.

- Every new guy gets one. - Why "devil horns"?

Because every time something good happens to you,

You do devil horns.

So wait, I do devil horns,

And you guys call me "devil horns"?

That's not very clever, kim.

Oh, it's not supposed to be clever.