The Santa Clauses

Oh, God. This can't be good.

Bernard.

-Did you miss me? -What are you doing here?

What's with all the theatrics?

And why do you look like an old man with pointy ears?

It's-- I gotta be honest, a little unsettling.

I've been alive for 1,600 years.

What's your excuse?

You ever heard of moisturizer?

Listen, I haven't seen you since you disappeared

from the North Pole to that Elf Rumspringa.

-Kribble-Krabble. -Yeah, whatever. You never came back.

Well, I met someone. A human.

So I made the jump and gave up eternal youth as an elf.

And now I've got this thing,

and it won't go away no matter how many burpees I do.

But, sadly, I'm not here for giggles and stuffing.

Brace yourself.

I know. Simon is ruining Christmas.

So, if you know that, why aren't you at the North Pole kicking some Santa butt?

Because it's not my job. You know, I screwed up at first.

And second and third.

Simon will figure this out.

You know, this is so you. You know, being stubborn.

No, no. This is so you. Showing up at my house uninvited

and freezing my family, which is a new one.

How did you-- How did you do that?

My nifty little clicker. Works on sea lions too.

-Mm-hmm. -Uh-huh.

Mmm-- Oh!

Whoa. What just happened?

Something happen?

Oh! Bernard! Oh, my goodness! I'm so happy to see you!

Carol. It's so great to see you. You look great.

I would not wanna be you when she unfreezes.

And I would not wanna be you

when the word gets out that you refused to save Christmas!

I didn't refuse. Listen, I retired.

Yeah, theoretically, so did I.

But when La Befana came to me,

did I quibble-quabble about leaving Kribble-Krabble?

No! So Santa up!

It was an accident anyway.

Somebody slid off the roof and boom! There I was.

Of course you'd think that.

-That's what happened! -Come on.

-I need that clicker. -No, no. Change of plan.

Scott, I need to show you something.

Wow. What happened to all the color?

Your little magic clicker, you couldn't afford sepia?

You're aggravating my hiatal hernia.

Okay, Bernard. You got my attention.

I wandered into the History Channel.

- He's coming. - Who's coming?

Oh… …Bernard! Oh, it's good to see you.

Uh, I hope you don't mind. I brought a cranky plus-one.

Scott Calvin. Aren't you a sight for immortal eyes?

He's been throwing a little pity party for himself.

Thinks everything in his life is random.

Oh. The Santa-blues. Yes, occupational hazard.

And, I'm sorry--

-Who might you be? -You could call me Santa,

but it gets a little confusing because there are a lot of us.

I was the 17th Santa,

so most just call me 17.

And this is the Great Depression,

which happened during my reign.

So this is where you get to hang out. Hey, good time.

It wasn't easy, but we made do.

We handed out oranges and socks.

Yeah, my grandparents used to tell us that story to make us feel ungrateful.

That's what this is about, huh? Make me feel guilty,

so I'll go back and do my job.

No, no, no. Being Santa is not a job.

You chose the wrong replacement

because you weren't supposed to step down yet.

Okay, well, how was I supposed to know?

You were supposed to feel it. Here.

That's acid reflux.

He deflects a lot.

I think we all know that I screwed up, right?

Which means I'm not the guy to fix this.

You know, I'm gonna go back to my world where it's in full color,

but I am gonna get a tuberculosis test, just in case.

They probably got a quick thing at the pharmacy.

What is this now?

Feliz Natal!

Holy Santa.

Papai Noel. Uh, I have so many questions…

Merry Christmas, kids.

Boy. Where is the mule smell coming from? Because…

Krampus! Listen, how do I get back to Chicago?

The door.

Okay, great. Taking kids' toys… always good.

I guess you gotta do what you gotta do.

Oh. You troublemakers again.

-Is this, like, "Santasia"? -No, it doesn't have a name.

-"Kringleville." -No.

-The "Yule-verse." -Stop trying to name it.

You don't remember me, do you?

You're the Santa that fell off my roof.

You here to sue me or something?

That night on your roof was not the first time we met.

Oh.

Wow. This is the house I grew up in.

This is me right here.

I knew it! You are real!

Ho ho ho.

Scotty Calvin. The boy with the long list.

You know, Santa doesn't bring you everything you want.

The bike isn't for me. It's for Jimmy.

And the doll is for Angela, the rosary for Sister Mary,

and the slow cooker for my parents.

I thought if I got them what they needed, they'd believe, like I do.

Why did you believe in me when you had never seen me before?

I felt it in here.

Like a little whisper.

Most people forget the magic of Christmas

and how it makes them feel like anything is possible.

So, I'll forget? Like my parents?

Adults have a harder time believing in things they can't see.

But one day, I think that you are going to make this world a much better place.

I don't remember any of this.

Well, you know how it goes.

You dusted me? I was a little boy.

This is probably why I'm horrible at math.

Why didn't you tell me about this?

Believing is seeing.

Whoa!

Okay. Where are we now?

What is this, like, the clubhouse for the Yule-verse?

Stop calling it that.

Oh, look at that! Saint Nicholas of Myra.

I don't think it looks much like me, but what are you going to do?

-Bernard. Now what's this? -Just pay attention.

It was never about gifts. It was about giving!

Saint Nicholas, his parents died.

He became quite wealthy, and then gave all his money away

-to help those in need-- -I thought I was telling my story.

Anyway, life was hard during that time.

Parents couldn't always shield the children from the horrors of the world,

so I found ways to give back with food, candy.

Small joys.

Life's kindling.

You gave them what they needed.

Hope.

If you'll excuse me, I've actually got some rounds to finish.

Oh, you're leaving already?

I've never really been gone, Scott.

I live through you.

Remember, it's all about the giving.

The giving.

Wow.

Hey, no big deal. I was just with Saint Nicholas,

then he disappeared in a puff of smoke like at an Elton John concert.

Oh, yes. He is very impressive.

His undertaking injected true magic into the world.

And from that magic emanated the world of Claus and elves,

-ethereal beings… -Wow.

…who carried on the mission.

Ethereal?

-I wondered about that. Am I ethereal? -Nope.

You are a regular human man with many, many faults.

Each Santa was chosen to meet the challenges of their times.

Now, during my final years… …technology was becoming the new magic.

I thought only a human could meet the new challenges.

A special human.

The clauses were created to guide you.

The Santa Clause, the Mrs. Clause, all of 'em.

If I'd known at the time, I would've put in the, uh, Less Talking Clause.

Wait a minute. I'm here because of an accident.

I saw you slip off the roof. You fell.

You think someone yelling, "Hey," really made me slip and fall?

I'm Santa, baby!

I have been on millions of roofs.

No Santa's gonna slip off of a roof.

That would be horrible.

But that-- Wait a minute, am I the first human Santa?

I thought a human Santa could raise his family in the North Pole,

and perhaps those kids would inherit the magic of the North,

making the passing of the torch

less up to the whims of a bunch of pompous ethereals.

My kids don't have any magic powers.

You sure about that?

Did you show him?

Show him what?

I've got a plan here, Papai. Thank you.

Give him a moment to take in the whole Yule-verse.

Ah! Damn it, now he's got me saying it.

Show the North Pole.

Betty, breaks my heart seeing you making toys like a common elf.

No elves are common, Pontoon. It's fine.

Look, I even made a nice truck.

Hey, what's with the lame toys?

Cody Pugh asked for a truck.

Cody Pugh.

He doesn't have a NowAccount with us.

I know. He sent a Christmas list through the mail.

The mail? Was he writing from 1987?

We still have to get the Christmas orders out.