Our Cartoon President

The year was 2016,

or as historians know it now, the Age of Shadows.

America was led by a Kenyan socialist bisexual named

"Something Hussein Something."

Not one Supreme Court Justice had a friend named "Squi."

The Tomb of the Unknown Soldier

had yet to be replaced by a statue of Kid Rock.

But then, though the shadows, pierced a light.

America is a shithole,

but all of our problems will be solved

if you believe me when I say, "Problem solved!"

And they did.

Within seconds, the nation was perfect.

But only one thing could destroy that ...

Democrats feeling like voting.

Let's just hook up in your bedroom.

I told you. It echoes in here, and I've always wanted

- to hear myself get laid. - What is this place?

They used to call it the State Department.

Legend has it that Old Lady Clinton

went totally nutso in these halls.

Sometimes you can hear her deleting her e-mails!

Stop it! You're scaring me!

Don't worry. It's just me and you.

- Busted! - Eric!

I told you to egg Robert Mueller's house

- with bricks. - And I told you that it's weird

to kiss someone older than your stepmom.

We begin tonight with

- the midterm elections. - What the heck was that?

- Old Lady Clinton! - Sack up, Eric.

But first, the generic Congressional ballot

has been a strong predictor of the midterm elections.

She said a generic Democrat

beats a generic Republican by seven points!

If Dad loses Congress, he'll get impeached,

and we'll have to beg Trump Wine for our jobs back!

Boys, there's something you need to see.

If polls like the one Rachel Maddow

mentioned are accurate, we could all be tossed out of our jobs

and into eight-figure consulting gigs by Valentine's Day.

- Shit, we have to tell Dad! - I'm freaking out!

- We're not gonna tell your dad. - But what if he can stop it?

He defies conventional polling

and mankind's will to sustain itself.

If anyone can turn around this election, it's him.

Dad, good news! We're gonna win the midterms!

That's what I came to tell you, dumbass!

Your party's in deep shit, and I'm too dead to bail you out.

Don't worry, Dad. America loves me.

The only person who loves you is me and I hate you!

Love you, too, Dad!

Time for work!

The sun's out, the ocean's boiling,

and the soup of the day is polar bear bisque!

Speaking of God's plan, the red wave is coming.

That's according to the Fox News shows

before and after this Fox News show!

That's three sources, folks.

- Dad! - Don't tell him, Don!

Sure, 90% of Republicans love you,

but only 20% of voters admit they're Republican.

Hmm, I alone can fix this. Someone get me a red Sharpie!

Every modern president has lost seats in the midterm election.

Except for George W. Bush after 9/11.

Interesting. Could you send in

- Stephen Miller for an unrelated project? - Don't even think about it.

Right, someone could be listening.

If I'm reading a book to schoolchildren,

- I'll know it's a go. - Sir...

Relax, the polls looked bad in 2016

and I only lost by a little bit, but still won. We'll be fine.

I'm Wolf... Blitzer.

I'm about to turn on the news hose, so get ready to get wet.

According to a new report, hackers connected

to the Russian government have penetrated

voter registration systems across the country.

Whoo! Go, Russia, go!

That has prompted state and local governments

to accelerate efforts to secure election integrity.

- Boo! - Dad, don't worry.

- I got a killer election strategy. - Hold on. Last time this one

came to the family with a "killer election strategy,"

I ended up in a high-risk, zero reward meeting with some Russians,

and now every week, I have a laugh-free lunch with Robert Mueller.

And you didn't invite me?!

I told you I wanted to expand my social circle!

Don, I'm sure your strategy is great,

but great for you is what most people

consider the biggest failure of their lives.

Hello?

Hello?

Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, face of the new left.

You support Medicare for all, student loan forgiveness,

and replacing prison cell doors with beaded curtains.

It's time to drop the blue collar act and fall in line,

or none of your bills get to the floor.

- No. - You remind me of another crazy lefty

who walked through those doors in 2004.

But Barack did what we told him,

and was bestowed this nation's greatest honor ...

a deal with Netflix.

He appeared on "Comedians Driving Cars To Get Coffees."

You're just scared of losing your grip on the party.

- We're not scared. - Oh, yeah?

- No corporate donations. - Aah!

Stop worrying about this election so much.

I don't like you when you're worried.

I like you when you're

a blank-faced son of a billionaire president.

It's not about the win, Kimfoyle.

It's about redeeming myself for what I did.

It's Russia Collusion Day!

Good morning, little fella!

How do you say "Russia Collusion" in bird?

I know that! I'm not stupid!

Don, your wife Vanessa wants a separation!

That's okay! Today is Russia Collusion Day.

I'm meeting with one of Vladimir Putin's lady-lawyers.

She has dirt on Hillary Clinton.

- Wow! - Thanks for doing what we specifically talked about!

You realize I'm Maggie Haberman from the "New York Times"?

Ohh, shit!

So you let the Russia meeting leak and you came away with nothing?

I wouldn't call learning about Russian adoption policy nothing.

You're such a loser.

If you hadn't inherited my warm and inviting sense of humor

and ridiculously hot upper body, you'd be hopeless.

Hopeless... Hopeless...

Kimberly, I have to win my Dad's love ...

I mean, the election.

It's not just Ocasio-Cortez.

Something's happening out there, Nancy.

- You mean in Georgetown? - No, outside of Washington.

Relax! Let's just make a few dozen sweaty, pleading donor calls,

and slurp mussels so loud that car alarms go off.

I'm just starting to think

that the heart of the American working class

is not screaming at their nannies on the Upper West Side.

We got a speech in Brooklyn coming up.

I heard plumbers live there!

Panic has set in at the White House according to

58 anonymous sources, and another 67 named sources.

The President holds a rally today

in hopes of reanimating his base of people

already disinvited from the next three Thanksgivings.

Let me tell you something about Kathie Lee...

If our followers are as motivated as in 2016,

they will pick this goat to the bone.

Give the crane operator the signal!

Now to agitate them. Women are blocking male judges

just for being incompetent, violent, alcoholics!

- Well, that's wrong. - Screw that.

All right, pull it up.

They're motivated! Viva la Red Wave!

Wrong! In 2016, they would've been

fighting over that goat's anus. We're in a different world now.

The Democratic Party is about knowing what should be done,

then woefully shaking your head when you read your push alerts.

Let's all join forces with a big woeful headshake together.

- Mnh-mnh. - Ugh.

- You're bumming us out, lady. - How about a cheer?

Status quo!

Status quo! Status quo!

- Status quo! Sta... - We've lost touch with our voters.

I can't name one person

who's not a U.S. Senator or Michael Bloomberg.

We will spend every moment between now and election day

connecting to real Americans,

no matter how much E. coli's on their hands.

Hey.

- Can't sleep, huh? - I was just thinking about how,

if you're not president, we'll never have a space force.

ISIS will turn the whole sky Muslim.

Don, I need to win the election, but I've forgotten how.

The last one was... what, 20 years ago?

It was two years ago, but the world was a lot different.

Since then, you've made the country too perfect.

If you want to win, you need to create a problem

that only you can solve.

Let's terrify this country into loving me!

If we want to win this election,