A Nice Indian Boy

["Badtameez Dil" by Ranbir Kapoor & Deepika Padukone plays]

I was 25 when my sister got married.

My parents were thrilled...

because Arundhathi,

after scaring the shit out of them

with a string

of truly atrocious college boyfriends,

had finally agreed

to let them fix her up with, as my mom puts it,

"A nice Indian boy."

Ah, beautiful Manish Rao...

a future orthopedic surgeon, no less.

I think my dad actually cried when my mom told him that,

which is funnier if you know

that my dad's face usually looks like this.

This was the best day of my mother's life.

Just look at her face.

And this man is Pandit Kumar,

and he is about to get in my business.

Next one of these, it'll be you out there.

I would hear that

over and over again...

You're next, my friend.

...an endless chorus of reminders

that one day, I'd have this too--

the big Indian wedding.

Just one concern.

What will it look like

when I bring home a nice Indian boy?

They obviously know I'm gay.

They've just never seen me be gay with another... gay.

Naveen!

What are you doing hiding over here?

Today was leg day.

I lift. Do you lift?

Yeah, all the time.

Come on, I wanna see you on the dance floor, man!

Okay.

Can I ask you something?

Mm-hmm.

You see any girls you like out there?

No.

That's too bad. I'm a sick wingman.

You're next, buddy!

Hi, Naveen. Where are you?

Uh, it's 8:00 a.m. I'm at the hospital.

Your Triple-A membership is expired.

You want me to renew it?

Is this really important right now?

I don't know.

Maybe you're driving around recklessly all over town,

and you're, like, "oh...

they will come and tow me, that Triple-A!"

Doesn't your hammer-calling me about this

just make that more likely?

My god! Are you driving right now?

Pull over!

No, I'm not driving. I'm at the hospital.

Okay, I'll renew it for you. Don't tell your father.

Okay, wow, thank you so much.

I really appreciate you. Okay, bye.

Hey! Listen! Did you watch that movie "Milk"?

I saw it last night on OutTV,

you know the channel for out gays?

Yes. I know.

You like that movie?

No, Mom. I haven't seen it.

You know, in that movie, this man, Milk,

he moves to Castro with his boyfriend, Smith.

Very handsome couple!

Anyway, Milk enters politics, but--

-I don't need a recap. -Smith doesn't like it!

So they break up.

Okay! No problem.

Milk ends up getting elected

to the San Francisco Board of Supervisors.

Oh, does he?

And there, he meets this man, Dan White.

Now, this Dan White does not like the gays.

Mm-hmm?

So Dan White kills Milk!

Oh, no.

He's the Thanos.

Oh! Yeah, no, I'm gonna have to check that out.

I guess this is why Sean Penn got divorced.

Uh...

I think he was just acting.

Hi, Mrs. G!

And how in these movies do gay people know

who the other gay people are?

Like, they just give each other a look,

and like, boom! They're kissing.

What's she talking about, a movie?

Mom, it's just a movie.

What movie?

Is that what you do?

I don't want you to get into trouble!

Ask if she watched "Bros."

Uh, oh?

What is that, nurse?

-There's no nurse. -They're coding?

That's a lot of... blood.

There's a mother? In the ICU?

Uh, yes, I'll be right there.

I must help every mother.

Maybe I should go to the ICU so I can finally see you.

All right, bye, love you.

Wait! Wait! I'm having a heart atta--!

Whatever.

Hey, Ben.

How is it going, question mark.

Haven't heard from you in a while,

exclamation mark.

Guess you've been eating an apple a day,

because you've kept this doctor away.

Hi, Jeremy.

Um, I was talking to my mom today,

and I remembered you have a mom,

so how... how are you, man...

question mark.

Delete.

Thanks, Charlotte.

I actually don't need a plus-one to the wedding,

because I'm happy with myself,

and I'm really not lonely.

Hey, Edmund.

Um, I saw that you're engaged,

but in case it doesn't work out,

um, wanna go out, question mark.

Delete. Delete.

Sent.

Hey, Rahul.

Um... was drinking water today

and thought of you

Ha...

because you said you need to drink more water.

ha... ha...ha...

Oh, god, this sucks.

I sound like Jeffrey Dahmer.

- - ...diamonds.

We only have about 25 of that ring.

It's already starting to sell.

Okay, and is the cough dry or productive?

Gloria! My favourite patient.

How's the ulcer?

On a scale of one to ten, how much phlegm?

Oh, we do have your X-rays...

No. I know it's 11, but the scale is from one to--

It's not looking good.

Okay, and then how many drinks, uh, per day,

would you say you're having?

I-I don't want to get too graphic, but, one time--

Yes, beer counts as alcohol.

I was hooking up with a guy...

That's not good.

...bent his dick backwards...

You. Get your picture taken.

They need you with Sepsis Guy in 10.

-Huh? -It's portrait day!

Ooh!

I heard from Sam in Radiology that the photographer is hot!

Oh, fun!

Oh, don't worry, they'll fix your hair in PhotoShop.

What's wrong with my hair?

Yes, let's focus on your personal grooming,

not all the sick people who need your care.

What's wrong with it?

On this side, I feel like maybe you could--

Ahem.

Really nice. Thank you.

Have a good one.

Okay, so you can just have a seat right there

on that little stool.

Ganesh, right?

Hmm?

Uh, no, it's Gavaskar.

No, sorry.

I saw you at the temple last night,

in front of the Ganesh altar.