Modern Family

Ordinarily, I'm a rule follower,

But when someone tells me

I can't bring my own snacks into their stadium,

That's when I get a little nuts.

It's a free country, right?

Let's just say it ruffles me...

...When some goobers...

...Tell me I have to spend half my payday...

...On their hot dogs.

Please, just remember the family portrait.

We only have the photographer for an hour.

Okay. Okay?

And, sweetie, did you have a chance

To try on the white pants I put in your closet?

Oh, what do they look like?

Is there really a more clear way to describe white pants?

Sweetie, if they don't fit you,

You're gonna be the only one not wearing white,

And then you're gonna stand out like "where's Waldo?"

Actually, "where's Waldo?" doesn't stand out.

He's super hard to find. That's the challenge.

This portrait is incredibly important to me. Also, his name is just Waldo. Sorry.

I spent weeks trying to find a time that works for everybody

And finding the right photographer.

So if you could just promise me

That you'll cooperate, okay?

I promise. Okay.

This is amazing that you're doing this.

Mm, thank you.

You're wonderful.

Thank you.

Get in here. Okay.

oh, no can do.

Oh. Oh. I love you.

bye.

Where's my good underwear?

The question is,

Why isn't all your underwear good, Jay?

You make a nice living!

The new maid keeps mixing up my underwear with Manny's.

Put on the first thing I grabbed --

It was like a crotch tourniquet.

You got to talk to her. Why me?

Hola. You both speak the same language.

She's Portuguese.

Do you know how offensive it is

That you put all of us in the same mixing pot?

I'm sorry. Please apologize to her

When you tell her not to put my underwear --

I can't talk to her!

Hey, guys.

Hey! Hey!

Where's Luke?

I'm going instead.

Luke suddenly remembered a school project due tomorrow.

Oh, that's tough.

But it's a good lesson for the kid.

You know, you ma a commitment, you got to follow through.

Yeah. What is the project?

Uh, he has to interview somebody who lived through the 1960s.

oh, no.

Hello.

Yeah, Luke.

Oh, sure, I remember what I said.

Yeah, come on over.

All right.

Gloria, you're gonna have to take Manny to the game.

Yay. Manny, vamos!

I'm still getting dressed!

Hey, mom! I think my diet's working!

My underwear won't stay up!

Oh, so delicious.

Yes.

Hey, you're okay with me not going with you today, right?

I have been hired to sing at a wedding this weekend.

I was plucked from obscurity after a particularly stirring

karaoke performance.

So I guess you could say I'm a professional singer now.

I don't know.

Well, they're paying you in flowers, so...

Well, I would have blown the money on flowers anyway.

They're saving me a step.

Plus, all the great divas are rewarded in flowers.

They're also given paychecks.

It's just, I'm really bad at small talk, so...

I get it. It's not a problem.

Are you sure?

Because you've been quiet all morning.

It's because I'm resting my instrument.

Okay.

I feel tension.

Phil: Kobe!

Kobe Kobe!

Kobe! Kobe! Kobe! Kobe!

Hey, hat can I do for you?

Do you like being a basketball...Player?

You serious?

I choked. I didn't think you'd look up heret me.

Little preparation next time.

It's a mental game.

Dually noted.

All right.

What's wrong?

That broken step.

It's gonna ruin our whole family portrait.

Claire: Okay, here's my idea.

I'm really excited about it.

The whole extended family, all dressed in white,

In a single-file line down the staircase.

Oh, like a line on the highway.

No.

Or a-a ski jump.

No.

Why -- why would I want a ski jump?

I don't know.

My idea was to have the whole family on a giant bed

Like in "Willy wonka."

Yeah, but that's ridiculous.

Ridicu-licious.

I don't see anything.

So I'm crazy?

No! You're...Not.

Your father was supposed to fix that step.

Mom, you're obsessing over the tiniest little thing.

So you do see it. Yeah.

What is the big deal about this one picture?

Honey, you know what?

I don't expect you to understand.

But all right.

When you're a mom, everything goes by so quickly.

In a minute, Luke's gonna be shaving,

And Alex is gonna be off at college,

And -- and you're gonna be...

...You're gonna be doing something great.

Just want to freeze this moment as it is right now.

You know?

I do.

I know I don't show it,

But this family's still the most important thing that I -- screw it.

I'm gonna fix the bastard.

I mean, seriously, how hard can it be?

If your father can do it, I can do it, right?

All right.

I just need to...

Like, lift...

Oh. Now I see it.

Uh-huh. Mm-hmm.

These seats are amazing!

Why you have candy coming out of your pants?

No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Huh?

I brought my own snacks.

Not because I'm cheap. It's.

Plus, I get a little rush from the danger.

Be cool! Be cool! Be cool!

Just look straight ahead.

I've never felt more alive.

Whoo!

Okay, I just made it worse. I'm not freaking out, though.

I'm gonna call your dad,

And he's gonna tell me how to fix this.

"Oh, my God, it's dad"

Where? Right there, behind Kobe!

Oh! Oh, how weird is this?

Quick. Quick. Tell me something to say that'll freak him out.

Tell him I'm pregnant!

No, I'm not gonna say that.

Okay, here we go. How funny is this?

He it's Phil.

You know what to do.

Well, that was pretty funny.

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

Ohh. Ohh. Ohh.

Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

Oh, my God! Oh!

Excuse me. Excuse me. Sorry for that.

Hello?

There is a pigeon in our house!

What do I do? What do I do?

Who is this?

Never funny. Not funny now.

Calm down.

You know, I grew up around many animals.

One time, a rooster attacked me,

And my mom wrung its neck, and we had it for dinner.

Great time for an anecdote. Help me!

It's more afraid of you than you are of it.

Pigeons aren't scared of anything.

They stand on electrical wires.

You're gonna be fine, Mitchell.

You know what? Just as long as you don't --

Oh, you know what? They're starting. I got to go.

Okay. Bye.

As long as I don't what?! Cam, as long as I don't --

Oh.

Ooh, the kiss Cam!

Wouldn't it be embarrassing if the camera was on us