King of the Hill

MAN (on TV): Now, Vijay Singh with a testy 12-foot putt.

Hey, putta-putta-putta- putta-putta-putta, swing!

- Shh! - Hey, man... Ditto.

Hey, Dad, guess who's the star of the Nursing Home Follies?

Quiet, Bobby. We're watching the Masters.

That's a golf tournament.

I know, the one with the fabulous green jackets.

MAN (on TV): Boy, Ken, you can cut the tension with a knife.

Thank you, Garrity & Sons Nursing Home!

Wonderful.

I'm Jerry Popper. I was on The Tonight Show once.

- Can you spare a minute? - Can I?

Kid, I'll get right to the point.

I hate living here,

but watching you up on that stage lighting the place up,

for a moment, it made me forget the nurse stole my watch.

You got something, kid.

Moxie? Chutzpah? Pizzazz?

Aw, you're selling yourself short.

This is Chip Block, All-American,

and the original, not one of those plastic Woolworth's copies

that allowed me to retire in such comfort.

Right, Chip?

JERRY (as Chip): Hey, slugger. Aw, that was my brother's name.

They made him into a baseball bat. He was from Louisville.

Hey, that dummy's got good timing.

Who are you calling "dummy," dummy?

Settle down, Chip. Chip doesn't like to be called "dummy."

He prefers the term "carved figure."

Crafted by Masterman's of Wisconsin, Portuguese cork.

Portuguese cork! That's funny.

Yep, but real ventriloquism is about more than telling jokes.

It takes great acting, Bobby, Oscar-caliber,

to play two roles at once.

Nobody could do it today, except maybe Meryl Streep.

Streep would be a great ventriloquist... and so would you.

I want you to have him.

I'm going to win the talent show this year, not that banjo-playing dork.

Whoa, whoa, kid.

You can't just put your hand inside his body.

You've got to get inside his head.

Who is Chip Block? I'll tell you.

He's the best athlete ever to attend All-America High.

Every boy wants to be his pal, every girl wants to be his gal.

But I'm sorry, ladies, he's saving it for marriage.

An athlete, huh?

I may look big, but very little of it is muscle.

Chip and I...

...know you can do it, Bobby.

Please, Bobby, the show must go on.

You say that, too?

All right, I'm in.

Thanks, Mr. Popper.

Promise me you'll take care of him. None of that lemon-scented crap.

- Linseed oil! - BOBBY (as Chip): I promise.

Not you, Chip. I was talking to B... Oh.

Bravo, Bobby. Bravo.

Hank, what is it about models that rock stars find so attractive?

Fluttering butterflies. Fluttering butterflies. Fluttering butterflies.

"Fluttering butterflies"?

Not in this house.

"The fluttering butterflies gracefully filled the skies in Pacific Grove."

"The fluttering butterflies..." - Oh, God.

Dad, this is Chip Block.

We're practicing our labials.

New rule. Lights out by 8:30.

Another?

Don't you think you've had enough?

- Another. - Yes, sir.

My son is playing with dolls. There, I said it.

He's a sissy. There, I said that.

Sammy Sosa. Sammy Sosa.

Oh, that's a ventriloquist's dummy.

The way people were talking, I thought you were playing with a Barbie doll.

Mom, meet Chip Block, All-American.

Chip, this is my mom.

I didn't know you had a sister.

Oh, thank you.

Pleased to meet you, Chip.

Yeah, that's really all the material we have.

The problem is, Chip likes the sports pages,

but I'm more of an arts-and-leisure guy.

I don't even know how to read a box score.

Well, then, a league-leading softball pitcher

will be the one to teach you.

Let me just get a sports page.

Okay, now, "E.R.A.,"

as you see here, is my "Earned Run Average,"

which is very, very good.

- What does "H.B.P." mean? - "Hit By Pitch."

She was crowding the plate.

Hank said I could get some cereal.

Oh, I'll never forget this. In this game,

- I had a no-hitter... - (thrilling music)

PEGGY (muffled): If you'll adjust the two Hs to Es

signifying they were actually errors,

which a less jealous scorer would have ruled them.

- (yelling) - (yelping)

"Who was the last pitcher to win 30 games?"

Denny McLain, Detroit Tigers, 1968.

That's day-one stuff, Chip. Give me a hard one.

Okay, wise guy. How many years did he get for pension fraud?

Ooh, you got me... unless it was eight.

You're the man.

MAN (on TV): And the ball is going... going...

It's... foul. Foul ball.

Uh... Bobby, maybe you and your... action figure

want to go clean your room.

Could you please blow your smoke the other way, Mr. Gribble?

I'm training for the varsity squad.

- I get Dale's spot. - What's with Dale?

He's like an L.A. fan, leaving in the seventh inning.

- Boy, this new manager sure is methodical. - Yeah.

People criticize him for playing little ball,

but I say a "W" is a "W" any way you get it.

Oh, come on. My grandmother hits like that.

God, I hate infield singles.

They put your tying run on first, Mr. Hill. Got to like that.

Yeah.

Hey... hey, that's true, Bobby... and, uh...

Chip. Chip Block. Nice to meet you, Mr. Hill.

- How do you do that, Bobby? - He's using show business.

Palmeiro's going to be looking for a fastball.

All right. - (cheering)

- Yeah! - (speaking gibberish)

MAN (on TV): Palmeiro got a fastball.

- Hey, you called it, Chip. - Chip's a genius.

Bobby, Chip, you get Dale's spot. Bill...

I couldn't handle the pressure anyway.

Could be... could be... It is!

Round tripper! He's going to tag all the bags!

- (chuckling) - All right!

I love this guy.

Enjoy your last few breaths, dummy.

You're looking lovely this morning as usual, Mrs. Hill.

Well, thank you.

I'll have cinnamon rolls, pancakes, Seven-up, bacon...

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Bobby, if you're going to bulk up, do it right.

You want five raw eggs in a glass.

Raw eggs? Haven't you heard of salmonella?

Relax, kid. If I wanted to kill you,

I'd challenge you to a push-up contest!

- Yeah. - Eggs it is.

Mr. Hill, could you pass the sports section, please?

Sure. You gonna make fun of tennis there, Chip?

Oh, I think tennis does a pretty good job of making fun of itself.

Ain't that the truth?

Now let's see what Daddy got for you. Bug, get Dale his gift.

Happy birthday, Squirt.

- (gasps) - (demented laughter)

Shug, are you all right? - Fine!

Sh-shah!

Octavio, I want you to do the exact same thing I just did

to this picture to this guy in person.

Except do it right here.

Okay, I'm going to need $20 now and $20 when it is done.

And another $20 for expenses.

Well, tee time is in two hours and eight minutes.

So, in other words, you're going to be leaving the house.

Yes, Dale, we're all going golfing, remember?

Well, I can't go. I got plans.

Yeah. Plans.

I mean, nothing!

Hello, Mr. Gribble. Nice to see you.

Nice to see you again.

Hey, uh, we got a spot open today for golfing.

How'd you like to join our foursome?

Uh, no thanks, Mr. Hill. I'm going to hang out here today.

Maybe, uh, run some wind sprints.

Aw, come on, Chip. I'll let you drive the cart.

Maybe even fix you up with my three wood.

Bobby, Chip, let's go.

11:15 a.m. The man and the boy and the puppet leave the house.

11:16. Octavio speaks into tape recorder,