The Philanthropist

Good morning, friends and neighbours,

this is On the Spot with Tyler Timson .

Joining me in the hot seat this AM

is billionaire philanthropist,

Teddy Rist.

Teddy, are you glad you're on the spot?

Are you too?

For sure.

I only ask because for the last week or so

on this program you've been attacking me,

making all kinds of very silly accusations,

and calling me everything from "anti-American"

to, uh, I believe you called me a "cheese whiz."

Well, once upon a time, Teddy,

you were a stone cold capitalist.

Now you're a bleeding heart ding dong

supposedly saving the world.

Really, all you're doing

is leaving a trail of carnage behind you.

Carnage?

For example, my 20 million listeners

are very curious about your escapade into Kashmir.

I was told that after attending a Muslim wedding,

you were nearly executed by terrorists.

Yes, I did have a slight tangle

with some less than friendly locals.

Wasn't so much the insurgents that concerned me

as the wolves.

The wolves?

Yes, as in big and bad.

Our company had devised a plan

to transport water across the line of control.

Line of control.

Now, for those good folks out there who aren't up

on their, uh, southeast Asian politics,

the line of control is the 1947 border

that slices Kashmir in half.

On the one side you have the nut jobs of India.

On the other side, the nut jobs of Pakistan.

Nut jobs. Classy, Timson.

Well, what do you call two countries

with nuclear gun belts

who are more than willing to blow each other up...

to blow us, the rest of the world up,

just to prove whose warhead is bigger?

Timson, all I know is that because of the antagonism

between Pakistan and India, many of the people of Kashmir

are living in a horror show.

So you got involved in this Kashmiri fiasco

because of a woman. A woman, right?

And not just some Bollywood starlet.

No, certainly not.

No, an extraordinary woman by the name of Rhada Shivpuri.

She was an old college friend of mine

and my partner Philip Maidstone's.

One of the most successful businesswomen in India.

The CEO of Southeast Asia Telecom.

Rhada, you're not making those hash brownies again, are you?

No.

Cookies for the bake sale at my daughter's school.

How are the girls? And Rajinder?

Excellent. Olivia and Terry?

Perfect.

They hassle me about working too many hours.

Yeah, that's why I'm making cookies.

Hey, enough with the domesticity already.

What is it you wanted to talk to us about, Rhada?

Hold on, I'm in shock.

Teddy Rist wants to talk business?

Yeah, I'm going to Aspen in an hour to hunt snow bunnies.

Ah, that's the Teddy I love.

All right, I have a financial proposition.

An investment that could potentially bring

Maidstone-Rist huge returns.

Oh, we like that.

And this proposition could also help

revitalize my homeland, Kashmir.

Ugh, Kashmir.

Which is why I need my two old friends

and their world renowned corporation

to invest in the region...

Okay, if we were to come in,

what resource would we be investing in?

The most primal of all human needs.

Sex?

No, Teddy. Water.

Your listeners may not be aware that there has been

the most horrendous drought in northern India

and eastern Pakistan,

which is just frankly insane

because there is plenty of water in Kashmir.

Transporting that water would be relatively simple

if we could just convince the skeptics.

So Philip and I flew to Mumbai

about six months ago and Rhada had invited

a bunch of Indian and Pakistani officials over to her house.

All I had to do was get their attention.

There is nothing more pointless than an empty swimming pool.

It satisfies no need.

It takes up an awful lot of space.

Unless, of course, it is filled with...

Maidstone-Rist and S.E.A.

will upgrade and integrate the current systems.

We will act as a liaison.

Your two countries have never worked together

to conserve and manage the waters of the indus river.

Why? Mistrust.

Until a pipeline is built,

we would transport the water by reopening the borders

along the line of control.

We understand that this is a huge step,

so we propose at first a preliminary deal.

We open a single border... at Hajipir-Uri.

Call it Jal, call it Pani.

Call it H2O or aqua,

pretty damn inviting whatever the language.

I... I promised my business partner Philip Maidstone

that I wouldn't jump in.

After all, this is an Armani suit,

and this is an I.W.C. watch.

He's gonna jump. I know.

Now, ladies and gentlemen, every now and then you just...

You have to take a leap.

You made a fool of yourself.

Yes, I did,

but both parties did sign the deal.

A deal which turned out to be all wet.

There were a few complications like any business deal.

"Complications?" That's putting the mess mildly.

The big announcement in Mumbai was a disaster.

Timson, when are you gonna get it?

Peace brings stability.

With stability comes jobs.

With jobs comes disposable income.

And with that disposable income,

consumers all over the world may just be able

to buy American goods.

It's not peace in itself, Timson,

but the dividend that peace delivers.

Ah, high-minded words.

But from what I understand, you got a little distracted.

Uh, Blitzer. With a B.

Wolf.

No?

I'm sorry. Walters, Barbara.

"Reema Kirmani."

Hello, Reema Kirmani.

I'm Teddy Rist.

You're Teddy Rist.

Because you, playboy Teddy Rist,

distracted this woman from her job,

certain shall we say extremists snuck into the conference.

Tell me something.

Do you ever consider potential collateral damage

or are you so completely self-absorbed

that you don't see anything

that's going on around you?

Good afternoon.

We are here today to introduce a vital new enterprise.

But first, let me state how especially proud I am

to have in attendance my husband Rajinder

and our three daughters.

Our once noble land of Kashmir

has for decades faced incredible poverty,

devastating levels of hunger,

and atrocious acts of violence.

Our goal is to bring jobs and fill demand,

as well as develop hydroelectric power

and irrigation techniques inside Kashmir.

Tomorrow morning, the border at Hajipir-Uri

will be reopened for the first time in years.

The gun has served no purpose in Kashmir.

We are betting that commerce and industry will.

And we're hoping all of you would join...

Get down!

Because of your irresponsibility,

a suicide bomber disguised as a cameraman

almost killed you all.

Ladies and gentlemen,

his explosives are still live.

What we need is a prompt, calm evacuation.

Exit immediately! Now!

Move! Is that a bomb?

Your actions motivated this Pakistani brainiac

to try to blow you and many innocent people up.

Of course, maybe this Reema Kirmani person

might've been in cahoots with the bad guys.

That's rubbish.

Reema Kirmani was a trusted and valued member

of Rhada's team.

Hey. Hey.

How are you holding up?

I've been hoping that this deal of yours

would open the borders, bring us peace and prosperity.

My grandfather lives

in the Indian-controlled territory.

He's a Hindu.

No, Muslim.

But when the line was drawn,

our home fell on the Hindu side.