The Office

Tonight is the Dundies,

the annual employee awards night here at Dunder Mifflin.

And this is everybody's favorite day.

Everybody looks forward to it,

because, you know, a lot of the people here

don't get trophies very often, like Meredith or Kevin.

I mean, who's gonna give Kevin an award? Dunkin' Donuts?

Plus, bonus, it's really, really funny.

So I... You know, an employee will go home

and he'll tell his neighbor, "Hey, did you get an award?"

And the neighbor will say, "No, man. I mean, I slave all day.

"Nobody notices me. "

The next thing you know, the employee smells something terrible

coming from the neighbor's house.

The neighbor's hanged himself due to lack of recognition.

So, you ready for the Dundies?

You know what they say about a car wreck,

where it's so awful you can't look away?

The Dundies are like a car wreck that you wanna look away,

but you have to stare at it because your boss is making you.

Hey, hey, hey! It's Fat Halpert.

What? Fat Halpert. Jim Halpert.

So, why don't I take you on a tour of past Dundie winners?

We got Fat Jim Halpert here.

Jim, why don't you show off your Dundies to the camera?

Oh, I can't, because I keep them hidden.

I don't wanna look at them and get cocky.

Oh, that's a good idea.

And mine are at home in a display case above my bed.

Yuck!

TMI. TMI, my friends.

TMI? Too Much Information.

It's just easier to say TMI.

I used to say, "Don't go there," but that's lame.

And here we have Stanley the Manly.

Now, Stanley is a Dundie All-Star. Aren't you, Stan?

Why don't you show them some of your bling?

I don't know where they are. I think I threw them out.

No, you didn't. I think I did.

Why did...

Say, we gotta order some more appeteasers this time.

We ran out last year, remember?

Yes, we should. You know what?

I wanted one of those skillets of cheese,

but when I got off-stage someone had eaten all of them.

To Oscar Martinez, it's the Show Me The Money Award.

Michael has taped every Dundies Awards,

and now he's making me look through

hours of footage to find highlights.

...song that I think we're gonna play for the ladies. Hit it, Dwight.

A little bit of Pam all night long

A little bit of Angela on the thing

A little bit of Meredith everywhere

This is the part where Kevin sat in front of the camcorder all night.

It's great.

A little bit of Roy eating chicken crispers

A little bit of Kim with some ribs

A little bit of

It was you. Live and learn.

It wasn't, I swear. Yeah, it was.

So, what's the joke? You're not perfect, either.

We're not laughing at you, Dwight.

So, who are we laughing at?

Just something somebody wrote.

Who, Dave Barry? No, no.

Just something that was written on the ladies' room wall.

What is it? Who wrote it? It's kind of private.

It's about Michael.

That is defacement of company property, so you better tell me.

Kelly, if you tell me, you'll be punished less.

Okay, now I'm laughing at you.

Will Her Highness Jan Levinson-Gould

be descending from her corporate throne this evening

to visit us lowly serfs here at Dunder Mifflin, Scranton?

It's a two-and-a-half-hour drive from New York, Michael.

Well, you could take the bus, you could work on the way here,

sleep on the way home?

No.

Come on, Jan, this is important.

I mean, this is validation to my employees here

that you and corporate approve of this. So...

But we don't approve of this, Michael.

You only have the budget for one office party a year,

so we're not paying for this.

Um...

Could you... Are you there?

Yeah, I'm here. I just wanted to talk to you for a second about that.

What... What is... I mean, come on, Jan.

What, it's a... You're dropping an A-bomb on me here.

Really? I'm dropping an atomic bomb on you?

Well, yeah! I mean what is... What... No, you can't...

You already had a party on May 5th for no reason.

No reason? It was the 05-05-05 party. And you also had a luau.

It happens once every billion years. And you had a luau.

And the Tsunami Relief fundraiser, which somehow lost a lot of money.

Okay, no, that was a fun-raiser. I don't really understand that.

I think I made that very clear in the flyers. Okay, well, I don't understand

why anyone would have... Fun. F-U-N.

...a Tsunami fun-raiser, Michael.

Well, I think a lot of people... I mean, that just doesn't make sense.

...were very affected by the footage.

This is a little character I like to do.

It is loosely based on Karnak,

one of Carson's classic characters.

Here we go.

The PLO, the IRA, and the hotdog stand behind the warehouse.

Name three businesses that have better healthcare plans than Dunder Mifflin.

Here's the problem.

There's no open bar because of Jan.

And it's the reason why comedy clubs have a two-drink minimum.

We'll be fine, but I just wish people were gonna be drunk.

Dwight, get out of here! No, no, no...

What are you doing in the ladies' room? It's not what you think. No!

Why were you in there? What were you doing in there?

You are a pervert! I am not.

The Dundie Award for Longest Engagement

goes to Pam Beesly.

Pam, everybody!

When is that girl gonna get married? That's what I have to say.

Ah, Roy's accepting. Yes.

Thank you, Roy. Are there any words you'd like to say on Pam's behalf?

We'll see you next year. Yeah!

Hope not. Hope not.

I'm not changing that. That's the best one.

No, it's hilarious. You're right.

I just think, "World's Longest Engagement,"

we're all expecting it, you know?

That's why it's funny.

Every year that Roy and Pam don't get married, it gets funnier.

Well, I'd think if you use the same jokes, it just comes across as lazy.

Oh, "lazy. "

Uh-huh.

Excuse me, everyone. Can I have your attention, please?

I just wanted to say that the women in this office are terrible.

Especially the ones who wrote that stuff about Michael

on the bathroom wall.

Having a bathroom is a privilege.

It is called a ladies' room for a reason,

and if you cannot behave like ladies,

well, then you are not going to have a bathroom.

You're taking away our bathroom?

We are going to have two men's rooms.

But where would we go?

Be prepared to hold it, folks. From 9:00 a. M...

Okay, okay, look... Michael?

Yes? Dwight's banning us from our bathroom.

Okay, well, that's ridiculous. So, just don't... I don't have time for this right now.

There needs to be repercussions for people's behavior.

Just don't talk, don't talk...

Okay, look, I know there have been a lot of rumors flying around

about the Dundies this year.

How there is no money, and how there is no food,

and how the jokes are really bad.

But, what the hell, everybody?

I mean, God!

The Dundies are about the best in every one of us.

Can't you see that? I mean...

Okay, we can do better.

So tonight, for the first time,

we are inviting all of your friends and family

to attend the awards with us.

Yes! Yeah. Not bad, right?

So let's make this the best Dundies ever.

Best Dundies ever.

Welcome to the Eighth Annual Dundies Awards.

Before we get started, a few announcements.

Keep your acceptance speeches short.

I have wrap-it-up music and I am not afraid to use it, Devon.

The Dundies, how can I explain it?

Or would you like to hate it?

I'm happy that you all made it

You never had to work so hard

And feel no one notices

You're just a name and number

And no one even says hello

Card!

The Dundies are kind of like

a kid's birthday party.

And you go, and there's really nothing for you to do there,

but the kid's having a really good time, so you...

You're kind of there.

That's... That's kind of what it's like.

You down with the Dundies?

You down with the Dundie...

The waitress tripped on the cord.

All right, all right. Joke landed.

So, we are here. Thank you all for coming

to the 2005 Dundie Awards.

I am your host, Michael Scott,

and I just wanna tell you,

please, please, do not drink and drive.

Because you may hit a bump and spill the drink.

I'll just put these on the group tab.

No, actually, this year no group tab.