The Office

I really didn't think I was gonna have a good time, but I did.

I totally did. I love camping. Anything can happen.

Oh, it wasn't camping. It was more of a wilderness retreat.

Morning. Michael.

Ryan invited some of the branch managers and Toby into the woods

for a get-to-know-you weekend. Michael wasn't invited.

Apparently they already knew everything they needed to know about him.

Did you sleep in cabins?

Under the stars. It was really beautiful.

You should come. Bob and I took rock climbing lessons once.

Michael wasn't invited on Ryan's camping trip.

Toby went, but Michael didn't go.

He wasn't invited.

Who went? Me, Dan from Buffalo, Mark Chisholm,

Jack from Albany, and Ryan, obviously. We ate so many s'mores

I finally had to say, "No more s'mores. No more s'mores."

Ryan invited me to go on his wilderness adventure retreat.

It was this amazing, beautiful...

Hey. Nobody cares. Nobody cares.

I need that room at some point, so just wrap it up.

Michael wasn't invited.

Hypothetically, if I were to ask you to go camping.

And... Do you know what "hypothetical" means?

Not real. Got it.

So if I were to hypothetically ask you to go camping with me,

would you go? Absolutely. Yes.

When Michael plays the hypothetical game, I always say yes.

Really? Yeah.

Oh, do you want to go today?

And I am always busy.

Oh, I can't go today because I'm donating blood.

How often can you actually donate blood?

Is there a limit? I don't...

Your body only has a certain amount.

Well. Is that it? Or...

Yeah. Just this whole Toby camping thing.

I don't know, seems a little lame. I mean... How so?

A bunch of guys in a tent making s'mores.

What's that? Oh, I'm on Broken Mountain.

Here's the thing. That's not how you go camping.

I think you go camping by yourself in the wilderness.

It's not with a group of guys frolicking around in tents. It's one guy

or two guys, if your plans change. They're not

I want to do it myself. You know, I want to go

and find out something about myself.

I want to get out of here. All the cliques and the office politics, fluorescent lights.

And the asbestos.

I thought we had that looked at.

I'm sick of it, Jim. I'm sick of this place.

When Jan and I had satellite, we used to watch a reality show called Survivorman.

And it was interesting because it was about a guy who would go out

into the middle of nowhere and just try not to die,

try not to get eaten by an animal,

or be overexposed.

Okay, I will only need two things, a roll of duct tape and a knife.

I'm on it. Okay. Thirty minutes or less.

Please come back.

Save the receipts. Hey, what...

Let's see if any of these will work. Hey. Hey. Dwight. Dwight...

I keep various weaponry strategically placed around the office.

I saved Jim's life with a can of pepper spray I had Velcroed under my desk.

People say, "Oh, it's dangerous to keep weapons in the home or the workplace."

Well, I say it's better to be hurt by someone you know, accidentally,

than by a stranger on purpose.

Dwight and I are going out. He will return later, but I will not.

I will also be taking a personal day tomorrow

and perhaps the next day.

Do you want me to ask where you're going?

No.

Great. Dwight will be driving me

deep into the Pennsylvania wilderness. Oh.

Where he will then leave me

to either die or to survive. The choice is yours.

No. The choice is actually yours. Are you sure you want to do this?

Yes. And I am leaving you in charge of the office for the rest of the day,

and for the next several days. Do not try to follow me.

Okay. Great. This is a very personal, private experience

in the wild that I wish to share with me, myself and I.

Yep.

When I return, I hope to be a completely changed human being.

That'd be great.

Do I believe that Michael possesses the skills

to survive in a hostile environment?

Let's put it this way. No, I do not.

This is what a true Survivorman does.

You simulate a disaster, like a plane wreck.

You can only wear the clothes that you have on,

and you can only use the stuff that you have in your pockets.

Now in this case, this disaster is a serial killer,

creepy guy who's abducted me, and is taking me out into the wilderness

to leave me for dead. No. I would never leave you for dead.

You would never escape. Well, yes, I would. And I would survive.

I would make sure that you were dead. No.

Then I would remove your teeth and cut off your fingertips

so you could not be identified. You...

And they would call me the Overkill Killer.

You are as creepy as a real serial killer, for real. Okay...

What are you doing? I am putting this on so I have no familiarity

with my surroundings.

Now this way I can't retrace my steps.

I don't know what streets we... Ow! What are you doing?

It would be better if you were unconscious. No.

Here... God. Dwight, stop it. Stop it. Stop it.

Do you want to do this right or not?

Just please allow me to have one cathartic experience in my life.

Jim, we need to order a cake for Creed's birthday.

Oh, wasn't it just someone's birthday?

Yes. Kelly's was last week, remember?

I do remember, yeah. It's birthday month.

Creed's is today, Oscar's is week after next, Meredith's is at the end of the month.

Michael usually goes with red and white streamers...

You know what? I have an idea. Why don't we just do one big, shared party?

What?

There are 13 people working in this office, so 13 times a year,

Michael gets a cake and balloons

and some sort of joke gift and makes a toast.

And there are two types of toasts. One is a joke about how old you are...

Look at those wrinkles. Blacks do crack. Not crack the drug.

And the other is something inappropriate or horrible or both.

What else? He only sings the high harmony to Happy Birthday.

And he is a very big believer in surprise parties.

Maybe even, arguably, possibly to a fault.

Happy birthday!

Happy birthday!

Happy birthday!

So I think, yeah, I think getting these out of the way might be productive.

Yeah.

We can just have one big, fun party. And everybody's happy

and nobody wastes their time.

I don't like it.

Wow. You're shaking things up a bit, huh?

It's a pretty good idea, don't you think?

Do you think it's a good idea? No. I think it's a great idea.

Hmm.

We're here.

Dwight will take my blindfold off when we are deep in the forest.

Just the two of us from this point out.

Here we go. Just the two of us.

Here we go into the wild, to the mighty forest.

Can you smell the trees and the nature?

Keep going. You're fine.

Just some bushes and some thickets.

Keep going.

You wanted wilderness. You got it.

You know, try sending them another invoice.

Okay. All right.

Oh, did you see my memo, by the way?

"Let's be honest, as fun as birthdays are,

"we all can use a break from the constant cakes.

"So let's celebrate birthday month in style today."

This is really cool.

Right? I was just thinking...

No. Totally. Totally.

This way we get it all out of the way at once and it could actually be fun.

Right. Exactly.

I knew I could count on you.

As good a spot as any.

What are you doing? Stop it.

Dwight, just stop it. I'm just...

Spin. I'm trying to confuse your sense of direction.

Behold.

All right, good. Thank you, Dwight.

Here's your knife. Thank you.

And here's your duct tape. Good.

All right. Very good.

Okay. Yeah.

Good luck, Michael. Thanks for the ride.

Okay.

Leave me be, Dwight.

Hey, Jim, can I have my own cake? What's that?

I really prefer Devil's F'ood Cake.

Oh, sure.

Yes. Okay.

Awesome.

Wow. That was easy.

Yeah. People like me, I guess.

Jim.

I hate Devil's F'ood. Well, I think Meredith was...

Screw Meredith. I don't think it's fair

to let someone else pick the cake on my birthday.

Everybody's birthday. Today is actually my birthday