Matinee Idol

- Now Lance, the media has never commented in interviews

on how uh...big you are. Any comment?

- Look I don't think about that, I've never measured it.

I guess it's pretty good.

In fact it's great. You know they are all big on screen.

- Well do you enjoy your sex scenes with co-star "Linda Hand"?

- Well Linda Hand is the studios top female star.

That's why we work together.

And do you get together off camera?

- Linda and I have our own private lives.

The only time we are together is when we are shooting.

- Well I am sure you have a very busy life,

and it must be draining.

Not really.

That's what I've heard.

Oh.

I tell you what why don't we have dinner tonight,

and maybe we can continue this conversation about my after hours

reputation.

- Sorry Lance, I can't, I have all these things...

- I hate to interrupt your interview Mr. Hardy,

but literally speaking we have to get this fucking scene shot.

That's uh if you can be up for it?

Yeah

Well, international box office star Lance Hardy has to get it hard!

Ok heat em up!

Box office star, really?

Your watching too many of your own movies.

Now if your cock was as hard as your head maybe we could get

started.

You know you have a terrific mouth.

So I've been told.

- Especially when no words come out of it.

Oh for gosh sake Linda,

This is supposed to be a sex scene.

Your a nympho...

Instead you are acting like my wife.

Quiet on the set everybody.

I'm sorry.

Ok, ok.

Let's just get this started, so we can get this dumb scene over

with.

You know he's right.

Roll sound.

Rolling.

Speed!

Speed, mark it!

Marker...action!

Yeah that's good.

AHHHH!

What did she do?

Awww did it hurt him?

Linda bit Lance on his most precious asset.

Ok Phil,

There's something I want you to say to both of them, for me,

and Mr. Kuntz.

Tell them to stop acting like Prima Donnas,

and finish the fucking movie!

Now if they don't do it, they will never star in another picture

together again.

Or separately either.

Oh what did she do now, Phil?

She did what?

Alright Phil, I'll, I'll get back to you.

Lance said something to provoke Linda,

so she bit his cock and walked off the set.

Lance Hardy, boy asshole.

Harvey, somewhere out there there's got to be another schmuck

with a pretty face and a big putz and able to cum on que.

And if I ever find him, I'll run Mr. Lance Hardy's ass right

right out of Hollywood.

- You know Bernie, this asshole that you're talking about,

his last three pictures netted us 1.8 mil.

And that doesn't include the licensing fees for the

Lance Hardy vibrators and the Lance Hardy dildos.

He's still an asshole.

Harvey I'm gonna put out a casting call.

I'm gonna get two new stars, I'm gonna replace them both.

Just in case you've forgotten.

We've taken a couple of advances for another Lance Hardy

Linda Hand picture.

So, we better come up with a Hardy-Hand picture.

Hello? Hi Ginger.

No, I really don't feel like going shopping today.

Well I thought I would just, um, I don't know sit

around by the pool and answer some fan mail.

Ok, sure! Alright, bye.

Dear Ms. Hand,

I'm one of your many fans.

I jerk off to all of your movies.

Once, the theater manager caught me and kicked me out.

Now I go to another theater.

Could I have a picture of you? Your devoted fan..

Huh, how sweet.

- (Radio broadcast) It's 78 degrees on a beautiful day in Los Angeles,

and you're listening to non-stop music on you're favorite radio station.

K-LOV... K-L-O-V

Yes?

Uh Ms. Linda Hand?

Yes, what do you want?

- Uh, I'm here with the Apex pool service.

I'm here to service you.

I mean the pool, service the pool. It's your regular day.

Where's Mr. Miranda?

Uh, he's in Europe on vacation.

- The pool business must be pretty lucrative.

- Oh, well if it's not convenient now I can come back at another time.

- Well, you're here now you might as well come on in and get it done.

So what's your name?

Cochran, ma'am.

Just Cochrane? No first name?

They call me Bud, ma'am.

- Tell you what I'll call you Bud if you stop calling me ma'am.

Make me sound like Queen Victoria.

I think I'm still too young to play that part.

- You are the Linda hand from the movies aren't you?

You've seen some of my films?

- Uh, I've seen Good Enough To Eat and Genitals For Blondes.

Since I've been here I've been to the Pussycat Cinemas a couple

of times, but back home a group of guys and me we go

to the theater almost every week.

- It won't bother you if I lay out here and get some sun,

will it?

No, ma'am.

I, I mean no, no it won't.

- Bud, why don't you come over here and put some oil on me.

Bud?

Is this part of your usual service, Bud?

- You, you see anybody in the water with me?

No.

What do you think?

I don't know. What's the score?

- Not the game, schmuck! What do you think of the act?

- Eh, what's the big deal? She only gets one channel.

- Turn that thing down a little, would you honey.

You've got an interesting act. We'll let you know.

You've got nice tits, tits.

- We'll let you know. Thank you very much.

(off screen) Next.

Thank you very much.

Send the next girl in, will ya?

Next.

I can't take much more of this.

Call back that girl, Daisy.

Uh, Buttercup.

It's Daisy.

Oh yes, yes, uh Daisy.

Uh, Daisy, Mr. Cox and I, uh,

would, uh, like you to test for a part we've got coming up.

We think you'd be perfect.

So why don't you come back here next Thursday and on

your way out you see Dorothy our secretary

and she'll give you all the details.

How about that?

Ok, can I put my clothes back on?

- Oh, of course my dear, how thoughtless of me,

how thoughtless of me.

Oh, and I wanted to thank you both.

Oh, my pleasure, my pleasure.

Uh, sly dog.

Bye!

Next Thursday!

Harvey, Harvey, it ain't easy.

But... Someone's gotta do it.

Harvey, why don't you go see my tailor?

- Cochran you know, you really oughta be in pictures.

You mean in fuck films?

You certainly have a way with words.

You wanna give me another audition?

That's exactly what I had in mind.

- Mr. Hardy, you spilled cum on Mr. Cox's desk.

Ah, that's too bad.

Why don't you put some on Kuntz's desk too.

Mr. Hardy... Thank you.

Lance you're late again.

You know you've gotta give up this "I'm the greatest sex machine that

ever walks" stuff. You know? We've got a screen test to do today.

I know I'm sorry I'm late, ok?

Oh hi.

I'm really sorry I'm late.

Ok honey, get him hard.

Huh?

You've got some approach, Phil.

- Uh, Miss, honey, uh what's your name?

Daisy. Daisy Cheney.

- Well Daisy, didn't they explain to you in casting what was expected

of you for this screen test?

Well sort of, I guess.

- Then you do understand that Lance Hardy is going to insert his thus

swollen penis into your warm, moist vagina, and plunge it in and out

for as long as possible, until hopefully you two experience

the primal pleasure of an orgasm?

But, before any of this can take place first, he must have an erection.

And that is what we are asking of you now.

- Well just tell me what you want me to do.

- For God's sake girl didn't your mother teach you anything?

Tickle his asshole, titty fuck him, suck his toes,

sit on his face, work it by hand, do anything,

just fuckin' do it!