Abbott and Costello Go to Mars

Orville!

After you finish flying the jet ship for the children,

bring them back to the orphanage.

Then cut the lawn and water the plants.

All right, Miss Pliny.

All right, gang, now keep your eye on the jet plane.

Orville, do you know how a jet works?

Pf course.

Sure, I know how a jet plane works

and rocket ships and spaceships.

How does a spaceship work?

Sure, a spaceship?

A spaceship.

Well, first you gotta have a lot of space, and then you.

You want me to learn you how to spin a top?

How does a spaceship work?

Spaceship.

All you do is pull a string and away it goes.

Nonsense.

Anyone who has studied nuclear physics

knows its engine operates according to thermodynamic laws,

using a working fluid of liquid hydrogen as a propellant.

This is accelerated and expelled by a nuclear reactor,

enriched largely by the use of a fissible U-235 isotope,

giving the necessary thrust to the interplanetary mission.

Do we make ourselves clear?

Sure, just like I said,

all you do is pull a string and away it goes, like that.

No, that's right around the corner.

Cheese it, the cop!

Oh, it's that Orville again.

A spaceship.

Hey, how'd you get here?

I sneaked into your truck.

What are you doing?

I'm drawing pictures of the spaceship

so I can show it to the gang.

The gang?

A spy, huh?

What's your name?

Orville.

Orville, where are you from?

The Hideaway.

The Hideaway?

That does it, I'm taking you down to see Dr. Wilson.

Come on.

May I see your identification, please?

I am Dr. Orvilla.

I want to see Dr. Wilson.

Just a moment.

Dr. Wilson's office.

Miss Howe speaking.

Oh, will you send him in, please?

Come in.

Beautiful, isn't it?

I think frightening is a better word.

Don't tell me you wouldn't like to spend

your honeymoon on Mars?

I'll settle for Niagara Falls.

Dr. Orvilla's on his way in.

Fine, I'm anxious to get the meeting started.

How about the newspapers?

They're still insistent on a press release.

Tell them we're not ready yet.

Will you stop pushing me?

You push me once more, I'm gonna haul off and...

Have you had enough?

Come on.

Where's the Doc?

In the conference room.

Well, call him up, tell him I caught a spy.

His name's Orville.

Orville?

Oh, you mean Dr. Orvilla.

He isn't a spy.

Dr. Wilson's been waiting for you.

For me?

Yes, he didn't want to start the meeting

without you, Doctor.

I'm, I'm no doctor.

I know, you're listed in Who's Who

as a professor of aeronautical science.

Lester, would you please tell Dr. Wilson

that Dr. Orvilla's here?

All right, but someone's making a terrible mistake.

Professor of aeronautical science.

What makes a balloon go up?

Hot air?

What's keeping you down?

Hey, who are you?

I am Dr. Orvilla.

Oh, that's all right.

Wait a minute!

For your information, I just left Dr. Orvilla

in Dr. Wilson's office.

And for your information,

Dr. Orvilla is standing right here!

Now wait, I just left Dr. Orvilla.

He's short, fat and dumb.

I am Dr. Orvilla.

The only people is a-dumb is a-you.

Wait, we'll let Dr. Wilson decide that.

Come on.

I walk by myself.

Dr. Wilson will be right in.

There you are.

There's Dr. Orvilla!

How dare you tell the people you're Dr. Orvilla.

I didn't tell 'em, they told me.

You told a big lie.

I didn't tell a lie, they told a lie.

I'm Orville.

See, Orville.

He don't even know how to say the name.

The name is Orvilla.

No, Orville.

You mind hold this, please?

No, sir.

The name is Orvilla.

Now I don't go for that kind of stuff.

Now cut it out.

My name is Orville.

I'm gonna give you a.

Ooh.

The name is Orvilla!

Now you hold that.

Now you cut it out slapping

me in the face like that.

My name is Orville.

You make me lose my temper.

The name is Orvilla!

Now you hold that.

Now I'm gettin' sick and tired

of that stuff.

Let Dr. Wilson decide.

And the one who isn't Dr. Orvilla

is gonna go to jail for a long, long time.

I'm Orvilla.

How can he be Orvilla?

He don't even speak like me.

I think I even speak better than you.

No mock me.

Who's mockin' you?

Here, here, here, here, none of that, none of that.

Dr. Orvilla, I don't know how this happened,

but I want to apologize.

Don't you mention it, that's all right.

Take this impostor, this impostor fagioli.

Take him to the house of jail.

Oh, no she don't.

Anyone she's gonna go to jail is gonna be you.

Don't you mock me.

I don't think we should put him in jail.

He hasn't done any harm.

He saw the spaceship.

Oh, that's too bad.

Now that it's completed,

I'd hate to have the news leak out.

I won't tell anyone.

I think we better keep you with us,

at least for the time being.

Lester will take good care of you.

I'll take care of him, Doc.

This way, Dr. Orvilla.

You little foreigner, you.

Oh, no you don't.

Uh oh, here I go again.

- Good morning, gentlemen. - Morning.

You all know Dr. Orvilla.

How do you do, Doctor?

Won't you be seated, please?

I appreciate the fact that some of you

have traveled a great distance to be here.

And I'm very happy to say that after years

of research and effort, our project has finally

reached a state of completion.

The spaceship is ready to fly?

As Dr. Wilson say, if it wasn't for the matter,

we'd put a few supplies on board,

she could be launched today.

The problems that confront us now

are the choice of destination and the selection of a crew.

Since all of us are eminently qualified to be observers,

I suggest that a crew be selected by drawing lots.

Gentlemen, the moon is the closest

of all astronomical bodies.

But due to its proximity, there's a wealth of detail

visible through powerful telescopes.

Within our fuel range are the planets Venus and Mars.

One of these should be our destination.

Each of you gentlemen have before you a sheet of paper

on which you will write the choice of your destination

and a brief explanation of why you've chosen

this particular planet.

Orville, help me unload the truck.

Okay.

Why didn't you take a box from up there?

Well, this here one was closer.

Oh, give me a hand.

Yes, sir.