Me and Mrs Jones

# We spend all our time lying side by side

# Going nowhere It's really something

# Getting dizzy doing nothing

# We spend all our time

# Running from our lives Going nowhere

# It's really something

# Getting dizzy doing nothing

# Getting dizzy doing nothing. #

Sorry, Mum, I just thought Nemo would like a swim somewhere new.

Well, I'm not sure he wants to swim in the sewage pipe, Charlotte.

Come on Nemo, come on.

SHE MAKES KISSING NOISES

Oh, mind out.

Oh, wrestling a goldfish first thing in the morning...

- Oh, dear! - Nemo's very ticklish.

- Gotcha! - Aren't you, Nemo?

Wow, Nemo, what an adventure you've been on!

Right, quick sticks or we'll be late.

Mum, if Jesus hadn't died, how old would he be now?

I don't know. Right, coats on,

- grab your bags. - Because you can't add up?

No! Oh, can you not eat your packed lunch before school, please?

- Poppy's getting a bosom bra. Can I have one? - No!

You don't need a bosom bra, do you, Mummy?

Thank you, Charlotte.

- Can Nemo come with us to Dad's tonight? - No! - Come on, Nemo.

- Try and keep quiet. - Right, off we go.

Morning, Mrs Jones. - Morning. Come on, chop-chop!

- Right, off we go. - Look, Mum!

It's a postcard from Alfie in China.

Now come on, let's all just get in.

Don't drag your bag, Charlotte!

Everybody in or we're just going to be late.

Is it today or tomorrow for Alfie in China?

Right, can everybody just stop talking and get in the car?

It can't be tomorrow, because that hasn't happened yet.

Unless our brother's Doctor Who. Is he, Mum?

- Mum? - What?

Can you help me with my maths homework?

Miss Collier says if I don't bring it today,

- she'll lose all my golden time. - Do it at your dad's.

Mum, I like the way how the light makes the fur above your lip glow.

Yes, thank you, Jess.

But it's due in today!

- SPLASHING - Oh!

Mum, does Nemo have to wear a seatbelt?

Wait till I tell the class Mum had her hands down the toilet!

'Charlotte and Jess have got their football match today, love.'

I'll collect you at 4:30.

I should be revising for my waxing exam this evening, Jason.

If you please, you will speak to Gemma

and arrange for otherwise.

She'll go potty!

But it's important I learn to wax, Jason.

English women are having a lot of mighty big hairs.

Gemma will understand my strong needs in that matter.

Sure I can't change your mind?

It will take more than the wolf sex to change Inca's mind.

EXFOLIATOR BUZZES

BELL RINGS

But, but, but!

Ugh, that's gross, Mum!

- We're not six! - Oh, don't hug us, it's embarrassing!

No, it isn't!

See! There's nothing wrong with a hug.

Only poo-heads hug.

Oh, Jess, please don't say poo-heads.

Mrs Jones, can you not use the word "poo" on school property?

Poo? No, hang on!

No, I didn't say poo.

- Morning, Gemma. - What?

I see you just made it on time.

Caroline, hi. Yes, I expect you're wondering why I shouted poo.

- Not really. - No, it wasn't actually me who said it first.

I was just, I was just repeating it so that it...

no, she's gone. Right.

Erm, hug please.

Mum, stop being a geeky loser.

Oh!

I'll pay you.

How much? - 50 pence?

Pound each or no hug.

And we want half up front.

Oh! You two are so like your father.

There we go. Ah, ah!

Hmm! Lovely day.

Did you just pay your daughters for a hug?

No, don't be ridiculous.

Of course not. It's their lunch money.

But they've got packed lunches.

Yes, they have, yes.

They eat two lunches.

They have some sort of

fast metabolic rate issue.

It's a twin thing that affects their...

How can I help you, Tom?

Right, good. Straight to the point.

I like that.

Gemma,

would you like to go out with me

for a drink slash meal thingy tonight?

Oh, sorry! I don't know why I did that.

Well, it was a nervous reaction to the drink slash meal thingy.

Oh, why am I still holding your lips?

Oh, no, I've been holding them for too long now.

OK, um, I'm going to let them go

and we're going to pretend this never happened

and we're going to talk about the PTA.

So...

Look, I have talked to you about the PTA every day for a month now.

What I've really wanted to do is ask you out.

Which I think you know.

HE CHUCKLES

So...

call me, Mrs Jones.

Watch where you're putting that sword, Flynn!

Fran.

Tom.

Oh, no! Is it Roman day?

- No. - Sorry, sorry.

Er, I thought I'd better explain.

I saw that happen on a TV show once,

but it was on a naked thigh,

so a little bit sexier.

SHE LAUGHS NERVOUSLY

The school DILF's phone number?

Tom!

Gems! Result!

He is super sexy.

I mean, like a slightly porkier Antonio Banderas in Zorro.

The Nigella wannabes

are going to hate your guts if you date their Tom.

You know, I could have been a Nigella.

Yeah, if you hadn't got drunk at sports day

- and tried to seduce Mr Roberts. - SHE LAUGHS

Interesting look with the wellie thingies.

Yeah. Flynn buried all my shoes in the garden again.

Arrivederci Tom! Bye.

You are going to go out with him, right?

He's not my type.

What, you mean he's not a self-centred philanderer

with a very small... SHE GIGGLES

Enjoying a deep throat chocolate moment, are we?

Jason, blimey!

You nearly gave me a heart attack!

How many times, can you please knock?!

The door was open! And my kids live here.

I should be able to come and go as I want.

Yeah, of course, you're right.

I guess I should have the keys to yours,

so when the twins are with you, I can let myself in and out.

Inca will be happy with that.

Fine! I'll knock!

Thing is, Gem-Gem, Inca's got a waxing exam tomorrow

and she needs to meditate tonight. So...

Oh, no, no, you don't!

The girls are staying with you tonight.

Please! Inca will just stealth wax me in my sleep again.

- Oh! - I'll still see the kids at the weekend.

Inca's doing Sunday lunch, Swedish style.

Yes, well, as delicious as

dry Ryvita, pickled gherkins and cabbage sound,

you'll see them tonight.

Why? What difference does it make?

Because, Jason...I've got plans.

To go out.

Singles night at the Legion, is it?

Do you need a hand?

No.

I've got a date.

No, you haven't.

Yes, I have.

What sort of lunatic writes his number on human skin?

It's sexy.

He would have done it on my naked thigh,

but I was wearing trousers. It's Tom.

- Tom Marshall. - The knob in the Range Rover?

Yeah...no! Tom's not a knob!

His wife left him for the Asda night supervisor.

That qualifies him for knobdom.

Well, I left you for no-one, so what does that qualify you for?

Fine, I'll have the girls.

Don't wear those!

Unless he's a pervy knob in a Range Rover.

Bet you're glad I popped round now, aren't you?

Love to Inca!

Yeah.

Poo-head!

'Hi, this is Tom and Poppy's phone.

'You know how to do this.

- 'After the beep, leave a message.' - BEEP

COUGHING

'Oh, sorry. Advocaat went down the wrong way.'

- COUGHS - I don't normally drink during the day, just a quick shot for courage.

Anyway, that's not important.

'It's me, Gemma, Gemma Jones from the playground, you wrote on my arm?

'But you know that. Anyway, er...'

I will go out with you tonight, goodbye.

Yes. Yes! Yes!

'Oh, what have I done?'