Mountain Men

Yeah, hi, Herschberger, what?

What?

Can I get like a half a quarter?

No! I'm at the fucking doctor's office

with Leah right now, okay?

-I'm off duty. -Well, she...

And call it a fucking eighth, all right?

Like what the fuck is a half-quarter?

-It's a... -Fuck off, man.

What do I look like, the weed fairy to you?

I just fronted you last week. You got cash?

On me? No.

No? Shocker.

Fuck. Get out of here. Get away from the fucking car.

Get away from the car, man! This is a place of healing!

Don't be such a fucking lowlife, man,

hanging out in the parking lot of a hospital.

Get a life!

Fuck you.

Fuck you!

I'm sorry. That fucking creep.

He's like hanging out in parking lots now.

Okay.

-What did he say? -I am.

You are.

Yeah.

Okay.

Okay.

Did you, did you guys,

did you and the doctor talk about, you know, options?

He just gave me a number for a clinic in Kelowna.

Okay, I mean, you know, hey, if that's your choice,

I'm with you 100%.

I support it, okay?

I'll take you down to the clinic,

we'll go to Kelowna, okay?

Just, you know, not this weekend because Cooper's coming...

-Holy shit. -What?

Yes, I'm aware of that.

You won't shut up about your fucking brother.

I'm excited. I never get to see the guy, you know?

Does he even call you ever or like email?

Call me? We don't call each other.

We don't like gossip on the phone

like a couple of little girls.

He's my bro. He's my kid brother, you know.

We'll just always be tight.

-Coop's coming? -My God, Herschberger.

What the fuck, man? I'm...

I'm having a personal conversation with Leah.

Hey, Leah.

I hear he's doing real good in the city.

Yeah, he is. He's doing really good,

which means he's doing the opposite of you,

you fucking idiot, so please just fuck off!

Okay, listen. I... I hit the ATM.

You what?

I hit the ATM.

-Toph? -How much you got?

-40. -40?

All right.

You're such a fucking idiot.

You still owe me 40.

I'm not fucking around, Herschberger.

Fuck you.

Fuck you. Thanks, bro.

All right, man.

Thank you.

-Hey, Mom. -Hey.

Wow.

-Hey-o! -You look beautiful.

Stop it. It's not too poofy?

-No. -No, no. More poof, in fact.

-No, not more. -Premium poof package, please.

You look smoking-hot, Mom.

Thank you, thank you. Toph.

I need you to go grab some paper plates at the dollar store.

No. I'm picking up Coop from the airport.

Well, grab 'em after.

I don't understand why you don't have

real plates at your wedding.

Excuse me.

Do you want to pay for china plates?

No.

Then what is the matter with you?

What, are you embarrassed of paper plates now?

Mom, I'm not embarrassed of paper plates.

They're just not particularly fancy.

Well, guess what. Neither is this family.

Coop is.

For heaven's sake. Cooper thinks he's fancy.

Yeah, for good reason. He lives in a fancy city.

He works at a fancy company. He's got a fancy girlfriend.

Thanks.

That's pretty fancy, if you ask me.

Yeah, and before that, he lived in a different fancy city

and had a different fancy job

and a different fancy girlfriend and different one before...

Makes him even fancier.

-You know what? -Yes.

I'll get your paper plates for your wedding.

But I just want to say,

Coop is out there doing something with his life, okay?

He's living it.

Well, look at this,

you're on a bloody walkabout, ya fucking ripper.

That's about right.

Let me get it, let me get it. Come on, come on.

-All right. -No I got it, I got it.

Have you been working out?

-How are you doing, man? -I'm doing good.

My God, Cooper.

So you're still doing the deejaying thing, yeah?

Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, man, full time.

Wheels o' steel, little brother.

Spinning the wheels?

Know what I mean?

Ones and twos for life.

But, it's a little dead around here

in the wintertime, you know.

-Yeah. -Snow kinda slows 'em down.

Mom says you had a girlfriend. Is that a fact?

Monica. Yeah.

I guess she's talking about Monica.

Monica.

That's so New York.

It's very Friends.

-She couldn't make it with you? -No, no. She couldn't make it.

-Aw, that's a bummer. -Yeah.

Is she hot?

Sometimes.

Fuck you, she's hot, man.

Okay, all right, well, let's scale here.

Scale of 1-10.

One being Nancy Kazinksi, obviously, 'cause she was a dog.

We can agree on that. Ten being...

Fuck. I guess there weren't a lot of 10s

around here growing up.

There were no 10s.

All right, solid 8, Dana Ackworth.

There's your scale. Go.

Dana Ackworth is an 8?

Yeah. Pushing a 9, I think.

Triple nipple Ackworth?

-She didn't have... -That was the rumor.

You saw it. I mean, if she's an 8,

Monica's a 12, for sure.

You're banging a 12.

On the Ackworth scale.

You're fucking banging a 12?

Strong work, little brother. Holy shit!

I wouldn't even know where to begin with a 12.

I'd just be like, "Wuh! Whoops!"

So how long you gonna stay?

Monday.

-Like, this Monday? -Yeah.

That's two fucking days, man.

I got a whole list of shit I want to do with you.

Like what?

Like what? I want to like get drunk at The Point,

I want to get drunk at Tommy's,

I want you to meet Leah. Stuff.

Yeah, well, Mom's got a lot of stuff planned too, you know.

-I gotta hang out with Mom. -Come on, man.

So what, two days every three years now?

-That's what I get? -Get out of here.

You get a chance to sign those papers?

No. Actually, they're still with my lawyer.

Why? Like as far as the estate's concerned,

he's legally deceased, right?

Yeah, well, not till I sign it though.

Right, which would really help out Mom, if you did that.

And you.

-What? -Yeah.

If I sign, you get your part of the estate.

Yeah, right, I get my part of jack shit.

That's awesome. I can't wait for that.

Well, listen, my lawyer's in Italy for the winter,

so when he gets back, he'll take a look at it.

How about that?

Holy shit.

My lawyer is in Italy.

He winters there.

Maybe we could like put those two in touch.

They could hash it out over a plate of fettuccine alfredo.

-Fuck off. -Something creamier?

My God.

No. No!

Is this it or what?

Please be seated.

Welcome to this happy occasion.

I'm gonna steal this.

Coop, please move on with your life.

You wanted space, you got it.

I actually feel sorry for you.

And by the way, Dr. Levin's been leaving messages,

and I highly suggest you call him

because you need help.

Bye.

Fuck.