Blue Mountain State

Get out your Goat horns, folks.

It's time for some Blue Mountain State football.

The players report today, and l tell you, Dennis, nobody knows what to expect

after last year's scandal-ridden championship season.

Well, l can tell you exactly what to expect, Gene.

Hard work, dedication, and at the end of the day,

another championship season for Coach Marty Daniels.

What's that, Dad?

Oh, really?

l'm not gonna amount to anything?

Well, l'm the new mascot. So look at me now!

Oh, yeah. l'll mow the lawn when l get home.

-Come here. -What are you doing?

Alex?

Sneak up behind me and smash me over the head with a beer bottle.

What do you mean "sneak up behind you"? You're looking in a mirror.

-Do it! -No way.

l'm not smashing a beer bottle over your head. You're an idiot.

-Come on, you owe me! -For what?

For fingering Vicky underneath the bleachers.

That was in middle school. Get over it.

Oh, l'm sorry.

l didn't realize there was a time limit on broken hearts.

What was her last name?

-Mmm. . . -Mmm?

College. . .

College, college,

college, college, college, college!

Are you. . . Are you all right?

-Yeah. -Yeah?

Yeah !

-(WHOOPlNG) -(KNOCKlNG AT DOOR)

Hi. We're here courtesy of the Blue Mountain State Football Boosters.

We're looking for Alex Moran.

-Oh, l'm Alex Moran. -l'm Alex Moran.

-Sweet Jesus, yes. -Oh, man. Look at this.

Come in.

The newcomer at camp is someone everyone is excited about. Craig Shilo.

Yes!

Absolutely. Anytime you have success...

You hear that, baby? They're already talking about me.

Of course they are, baby. You are gonna own this town.

-Okay, so here's what l'm thinking. -Hmm.

We play here for three years,

-then we get a Heisman. . . -Mmm-hmm.

Sign our endorsement deals, turn pro, get married.

Wow! l like where this is going. . .

Uh-uh !

Not until we're married.

How many times l got to say it? Seriously, Craig. . .

And that reminds me we better get married before you turn pro.

Otherwise people gonna think l married you for your money.

Hi, we're looking for Craig Shilo.

Mmm-hmm.

Oh, my God, Sammy, this is awesome!

This is the best. You know what would make it better?

-Let me in ! -No!

-Who is that guy? -l'm gonna be the mascot on the team.

Well, l'm gonna try out. lt doesn't matter. Just let me in.

-No! -No!

Come on ! He's not even the starting quarterback.

l'm the backup quarterback, okay? And it's working out great so far.

Come on, man, just let me in.

You know l'm not gonna do anything but watch.

-GlRL: l think she broke my nose! -(EXHALES)

Ugh !

Damn it! Those bitches got blood on my shirt.

Oh, well. (LAUGHS)

-At least they didn't get you. -Yeah.

-'Cause you're mine. Right? -Yeah.

Yeah !

Sammy!

Hi.

-(YELLS) -(SCREAMS)

Yes! First one done!

Once upon a time, some weak, pathetic pussy

coined the phrase, "Winning isn't everything."

Well, for most people in most situations he was right,

but l'm not one of those people.

And this is not one of those situations.

Blue Mountain State has won 1 7 national championships right on this field.

Six on my watch alone.

Because we don't just beat our opponents, gentlemen.

We crush their will to live.

We suck the milk out of their mothers tits.

And use it as mouthwash.

We rip off their dicks and invite them to an orgy.

Use their Vagisil as lip balm.

-CRAlG: Shh. -You got something to say, son?

No, Coach. No, l'm just studying the playbook.

Where do you come from?

-Cheyenne, Wyoming. -Wrong. Shilo, same question.

Columbus, Ohio, sir.

No, god damn it! Mountain Goats, where do we come from?

From our fathers' balls, sir!

From our fathers' balls.

Most men think they just dropped out of their mothers' womb

like some glorified jellyfish.

But champions know they came from their fathers' balls.

Now l want you to go home tonight and think about that.

And think hard about what category you fall into.

All right, ladies, bring it in on three. One, two, three!

Go, Goats!

All freshies stay right where you are.

Welcome to freshman hell week.

Welcome to my world.

l want to see every one of you freshies as hairless as the day you were born.

Boom-shaka-laka!

We don't have to shave inside the crack, do we?

Don't go near my crack, man.

-l want you screaming for your mom. -This is bullshit.

l was the national high school player of the year last year.

Do l see armpit hair? Why did you not shave his armpits?

-Are you looking at me? -l'm Alex, by the way.

-Craig Shilo. -Yeah, l know.

This is only the beginning, you pieces of shit.

Pay close attention to what l hold in my hand.

lt's a notebook.

Each one of you will be given one of your own.

lt contains secrets about each member of this team.

You will protect these secrets with your lives.

Any freshie who loses contact with their notebook at any time

over the next week will be in a world of pain.

Okay, hold on a second.

This is freshman hell week? Really?

First you ask us to shave each other's nuts

and then ask us to protect each other's secrets.

Have you got a problem with that?

Can't you just beat us up or something? This just seems a little

gay.

-Gay? -Gay.

lt's called hazing, asshole. Look it up.

Okay.

And what about you?

-l didn't say anything. -Oh, no!

Top recruit?

You think you're the captain of this team already?

You think you've got the Heisman all locked up.

Bromigo?

You think you and your friend can come in here and say whatever you want?

-No, l didn't. . . -Wrong !

l'm the captain of this team and l get to say whatever l want!

And l say. . .

Party at the Goathouse!

BMS!

Go Goats!

Yeah ! Nice one! Sorry l'm late, everybody. Sorry l'm late.

Where am l going? What am l doing?

-Late for what? -For the mascot tryouts.

l'm gonna love this place.

There aren't any tryouts.

We already have our mascot.

Chester.

No. No!

Please, you've got to just give me a shot. l swear to God you guys are gonna love me.

You heard the lady. Position's filled.

Okay. Okay. l see what's going on here.

You're afraid of me.

You're afraid of a little competition.

l'm 6'4". l ain't afraid of nothing.

l'm gonna rip your ears off!

Yes, please.

-No, thank you. -No, thank you.

-No, thank you. -Yes, please.

-Really? -What? Yeah.

-She's like a mother of four. -l'll make her a mother of five.

-Shilo! -What's up, man?

-Let's grab a beer. -Oh, no, no, no, no.

l'm not drinking tonight. l promised my girlfriend.

-That's a good one. -That's really funny.

-That's great. -l am gonna puke tonight.

-Okay, so you have a girlfriend? -Yes.

That's cute. That's cute. When's the wedding date?

Ah, no, no, we've only been together a year and a half. So. . .

Oh, you're serious?

-Yes. -You brought a girlfriend to college?

-Yes. -Word of advice.

Make sure this guy doesn't try to finger your girlfriend underneath the bleachers.

-What? -Really? Really?

Sorry. lt's hard for me.

-That's my roommate Sammy. -Best friend.

-l'm his best. . . -Oh, there you are.

-Excuse me. Hey, baby. -Oh, my God !

-Mmm, can l get two? -Mmm, yes.

Okay, look, l want to introduce you to Al and Gary.

They are accounting majors.

So l thought maybe we could sit down to. . .

Are you drinking?

l am. -Me, too.

No, l'm not drinking. l just was talking to some of the guys. . .

And drinking, but it's fine.

You know, you guys'll just be all hung over tomorrow for practice,

but l guess that's what champions do.

That won't affect me much. l'm a backup.

-Okay, you say that like you're proud. l think it's cool.

Backup QB is the best position in sports.

Fact, l get drunk all the time,

l don't have to show up to class

and it's just like being a real QB, but without all the pain.