The Exchange

BOY 1: This is me.

(MOANING) Oh, yeah! BOY 1: No, not this guy.

Oh, yeah. Oh, don't stop!

Oh, my God! BOY 1: This guy.

Oh, my God!

Oh, right there!

Oh, yeah!

I... I'm gonna...

BOY 1: I kind of wanted to freeze to death that day.

Tim Long, no!

I even fantasized about a headline.

"Teenage Genius Dies In Blizzard"

But in truth, I knew my death

would make one paragraph on page 12 at best.

I grew up in what is technically known among geographers

as the middle of fucking nowhere,

in a town whose mascot was this guy.

The white squirrel.

Now, white squirrels have a recessive gene that makes them super rare...

And super dumb.

And in 1986,

when the town was in the midst of a crippling recession,

Hobart and the squirrel had a lot in common.

They were both throwbacks on the verge of extinction,

struggling to fight off stronger competitors,

and almost totally white.

Tim, come on!

Yeah, it's tough for everybody right now.

Did you hear about Robertson's variety?

You know Doug Robertson, no head for business.

Tim, Mom's waiting!

That's what you said about Stedman Shoes

and they've been in business for 60 years, right?

Hey, buddy!

Hey.

Yeah.

You know, you don't got to go to the parade meeting with your mom.

You can always head down to the rink and, uh,

I don't know, hang out with your friends.

Why'd you have to mention friends?

I spy with my little eye something that starts with a C.

Car?

Yeah.

Hobart's annual white squirrel parade

was the most embarrassing

and culturally cringeworthy event imaginable...

Unless you are four years old,

or Kevin, the parade organizer.

Come with me, if you will,

on a...

On a journey

through the mists of time. Whoa.

Let the years roll back before your eyes.

The '70s turn into the '60s.

Groovy.

Right on.

The '50s, Elvis...

The '40s, Korea...

Back and back and back we go...

It's 1939.

The Nazis are cutting a swath through Europe.

Jews and gypsies are murdered indiscriminately.

Ooh.

And the Toronto Maple Leafs have won their second Stanley Cup.

Yeah!

Yeah! Yeah!

I propose this year,

we recreate Hobart's very first

white squirrel parade.

I'm sorry, why are there Nazis?

There won't be actual Nazis,

it was just for historical context.

Um, before we commit to any one theme,

we should maybe look at cost.

Cut back a little.

Hell, no.

You know who cuts corners on their town fairs?

Wingham.

I think that Sheila has a point.

I mean, money is so tight these days.

Maybe we can cut back on the snow removal,

or the daycare hours at the old folks home.

But what about the theme? Retro vintage!

Okay, I think that the parade is really important to a lot of people.

So, why don't we just all put our thinking caps on

and, uh, we'll discuss it next week.

I tell you what, why don't we put our thinking caps on,

just discuss it next week.

I know the parade is really important to everyone.

That's a great idea, Gary. Thank you.

While my schoolmates were at the rink,

I sought solace in the company of our Town Hall janitor.

Hello.

I, uh, couldn't decide between

Yojimbo, Subway and La Dolce Vita,

so I brought them all.

What was that again?

You told me you'd bought a VCR player,

so I thought I'd bring some movies.

I don't care much for movies.

Right, sure.

But, in case you change your mind,

I'm gonna leave these here.

Movies from all around the world,

including one from Korea.

I shot my best friend in Korea.

Used his body for shelter.

Okay.

I... I didn't know that, I'm sorry. I'll take that one out.

Farewell, The Housemaid.

There's a tampon blocking the drain pipe.

I'll see you later.

Yeah, okay.

Good luck with the, uh...

Good luck with the... With the tampon.

You were really impressive in there, Gary.

You have such a way with words.

Thank you for keeping Tim company.

Careful, it's the Crowfoots.

What can I do for you, sir?

Gun permit.

Downstairs to the left... Oops! Sorry!

I heard the sister doesn't even talk.

Hi, Tim Long!

Look, same sweater!

See?

Hey, Long.

How's your book?

Uh, it's... It's not a book,

it's a magazine.

Yeah? Are you gonna fuck it?

How exactly would I do that?

I don't know, man, you're the one who's gay.

Why is the magazine a man?

Dude, Fleming's coming. We gotta go.

MRS. FLEMING: (IN FRENCH) Quel est ton film prefere?

What is your favorite film?

Mary. (IN FRENCH) Quel est ton film prefere?

Mon film prefere, c'est Endless Love avec Brooke Shields.

MRS. FLEMING: Craig. Quel est ton film prefere?

Mon film prefere,

c'est Porky's III: Porky's Revenge.

Monsieur Long?

Shit, here we go...

All right. Um...

Mon film prefere, c'est

Le Cercle Rouge par Jean-Pierre Melville.

What is the story?

Um...

Wait, hold on.

I just wanna talk to you about

this France-Canada exchange program.

This is a really great way to expand your horizons.

A super-duper way to make friends,

learn about the world, make sure your parents see this, too.

(OVER PA) Attention, students, Principal Wareham

has decided to make final period

a mandatory physical education hour

at our very own White Squirrel Ice Rink!

Yes!

Jesus, does that mean we can go now?

Actually, Monsieur Hudson,

Tim hadn't finished describing his film.

Monsieur Long, continue. Please, no more.

Um...

Perhaps you can bring it in

and we can watch it en classe.

Everybody, enjoy your skating.

I'm gonna kill myself.

En francais.

Je vais me tuer. Bien.

Take a little look.

Oh, and, uh, just one more thing.

All non-skaters should bring their homework to the north bleachers!

Hey.

You gonna skate?

Does the Pope wear a dress?

Yeah, I think I might, too, once I'm...

all finished up here. How's your hearing?

My hearing? Yeah.

It's good.

You didn't respond to the, uh, joke about the Pope in the dress.

Yeah, well, you make that one a lot, so...

Do I?

I... Well...

Four...

Five...

Six... Mmm.

That was good feedback.

Thank you.

You're funny.

Yes, I am.

Tim Long, Tim Long

Rocket to the stars every weekend tonight

I like to make up songs with people's names.

Cecil's got a woman in the city...

Shut up! Everyone hates your stupid songs.