Me and Mrs Jones

# We spend all our time lying side by side

# Going nowhere It's really something

# Getting busy Doing nothing

# We spend all our time Running for our lives

# Going nowhere It's really something

# Getting busy Doing nothing

# Getting busy Doing nothing. #

Cheater! Cheater!

CHANTING ON TELEVISION Cheater! Cheater!

That woman is sleeping with her husband,

her husband's father and his father's brother!

Wow. Is that the father?

No, that's the husband.

There's the father.

Oh, dear. He looks very tired.

You'd think she'd wash her hair.

I mean, you know you're going on telly, so you'd wash your hair, wouldn't you?

Well, she's been quite busy.

Maybe she didn't have time.

Inca gives herself an hour's preparation time

before she leaves the house.

You could take a leaf out of her book, Gems.

- You all right? - Yeah, I just...

I miss her.

The cleanliness, the order, the microbiotic food regime.

You'd never have guessed.

Could you go round and see her for me?

- Oh, no, I don't want to get involved. - You are involved, you're the reason why I'm here.

No, Jason, you're the reason why you're lying on the sofa

like a giant sausage roll.

- Girls, get a wiggle on - Brownie camp! - Coming!

Billy!

Sup on my raw veg, will you?

Sorry?

- My gazpacho. - Oh. - Have a taste.

Right.

I usually get Poppy's sophisticated palate onto it,

- but she's away at Brownie camp, so... - Mmm. I'll do my best.

It's a cold tomato-based soup,

originating from the southern regions of Andalucia.

You know, I'm just not a soupy kind of guy.

You know, anything liquidy as a main meal

just kind of creeps my tastebuds out.

- But I'm sure Gemma will love it. - Well...

I haven't settled on a final menu yet, so...

Oh, um...here.

Try one of these.

A little piece of heaven in a ramekin.

You want me to take a souffle on the bus?

Oh, yes.

Ah.

And text me your thoughts, eh?

LOL, smiley face.

HE CHUCKLES

Right, baggy, crispies and, um...

a little tart.

You should do salads, you know.

I have an irritable bowel.

Oh.

Well, I'll make sure I tell my boss.

Not about your bowel thing, about the salad thing.

I bet you don't have an irritable bowel.

Er...no.

Can I have a cheese and pickle baguette,

- chicken pine nut wrap, and some crisps. - Mmm, I like your style.

Certainly no bowel issues there.

CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY No.

My bowels are fine, thanks.

There's a little something extra in the cheese and pickle baguette.

You are very lucky I was able to fitting you in.

People highly demand me.

Oh, thanks, Inca.

It's just I'm going to dinner at Tom's tonight.

Tom is a snatch.

Catch.

Go behind screen and slipping off clothes.

There are paper pants in there for your safety.

Thanks.

So how are you, Inca?

Did Yason send you?

No.

I didn't tell him I was coming.

He misses you.

My heart is stone, Gemma.

Please onto the couch.

You want a wax while you're here?

Er, no, thanks.

Probably a mistake.

Oh, well, it's just friends having dinner, no funny business.

BELL RINGS

Ooh!

- You are burying your head in the soot. - Maybe.

What about you?

Aren't you burying your head in the...

Ow!

Tension balls.

Inca, the thing is,

you and Jason are just so...

totally made for each other.

I thunk so too.

He was the deep fried fish to my organic parsnip chips.

The high-cholesterol salt to my filtered balsamic vinegar.

Basically, Gemma, he was the ping to my pong.

Ohh!

- But now I have thrust forward with my life. - Oh! Ooh!

- Inca! Ooh! - He has broken the hoop of trust!

- Oh, Inca! - What?

Ooh...

You're hurting me.

Sorry, I forget you're frail.

Turn!

Ooh...

You see this?

Er, no.

This is the white platinum engagement ring that I'm imagining Yason gave me.

It is having a prong set with a round brilliant diamond solitaire,

embraced by a sparkling micro paved halo setting.

Give him the ring back.

Oh, I'm not sure I know how to give back an...

Oh.

- Whoo! - Ooh!

It is fine. I have a date tonight at the bar.

With businessman Terry Tompkinson 44, from Northwood Hills.

On no, Inca, don't!

Come round to mine and see Jason.

Jason who?

Lie!

HE SIGHS

# Con te...

- # Partiro... - # Partiro..!

- # Paesi... - # Paesi...

# Che non ho mai

# Veduto e vissuto con te...

# Lo con te... #

- # Magnifico... - # Magnifico...

# I'm just a poor boy Nobody loves me

# He's just a poor boy From a poor family

# Spare him his life From this monstrosity.... #

- I'm not listening to that! - Ooh, now, ssh. - What?

# Easy come, easy go Will you let me go

# Bismillah! No, we will not let you go... #

I went to see Inca today, and she gave me back her imaginary engagement ring.

- It's over. She's even going on a date tonight. - She moves fast!

- Jason thinks she's going to take him back. - Yeah, well, he would.

- You've got to tell him. - I know. I need moral support. - I've got plans.

Alfie...

TUNELESS SINGING

Fine.

- Go on. - What?

HE SIGHS

# Beelzebub has a devil Put aside... #

Er, Jason, now.

There's no easy way to say this, so I'm just going to blurt it out.

Um...I went to see Inca today, and, er, she said to give you this back.

I'm sorry.

What's she giving back?

- It's the imaginary engagement ring you never bought her. - She's being dramatic.

- She'll have me back. - Jason, she's moving on.

She's going on a date tonight.

- She's doing what? - She's going on a date. - With who? - Businessman Terry someone...it's not the point.

- It's not the point... - Right, I'm going down there. - No...

- No! And I'm going to give that bloke a jolly good shoeing! - A shoeing? - She's a fragile, rare butterfly.

She needs protecting, otherwise she'll just end up

on some rich geezer's wall with a pin stuck through her torso!

I've never loved anyone the way I love her, never.

I'm going down there.

No, Jason, no! You're only going to make things worse.

There's no way she'll take you back if you go down there all guns blazing. Is there, Alfie?

What? Oh, no.

- Say something. - Er...yes.

Wha..?

Well, yeah, OK, Mum's right.

You'll end up looking more of a plank than you do in that little Slanket thingy.

- Thanks for those pearls of wisdom. - You're welcome. - Supposing this geezer's a murderer!

No, I'm sure Inca can take care of herself. But what I do propose is that, um...

- That Alfie go to the bar to keep an eye on her. - What? No, I can't do that, I've got a booty text.

- Cheese and pickle girl got the number I hid in her baguette. - This is a family emergency.

So get Billy to do it, he's working at the bar tonight.

Oh, I don't know...

Well, I would feel better if I knew that someone was watching over her.

No, forget it, I'm going there meself!

No, Jason! Stay here, I'll sort Billy out.

I mean, I'll sort it out with Billy.

I'm going to be all alone.

The girls are out.

You're going out.

You're going out.

Inca's even going out.

Oh, good, you're here.

Er, look, sorry,

but I haven't got time for the whole flirty thing you do.

Flirty thing?

- Yes. - You stay stuff to me and I get all hot and flustered,

and then I'm not sure if it's attraction or the menopause.

- Anyway, I haven't got time for that, I need to get to the point. - You're doing well so far. - Oh, thank you.

So...

- ..you wanted us to get down to business? - Oh, yes.

Er...no, it's not about us.

Um, look, I need you to do a little bit of spying.

Well, not spying exactly, more keeping an eye on.