King of the Hill

Enjoy that new Char King, Earl.

I got to say, I really appreciate your business.

Forget him, Hank. He's chump change.

I got a lead on a new client so big,

it'll put all my bastard sons through college.

The Renaissance fair's in town.

"Hear ye! Hear ye!"

With all due respect, sir,

do we really want propane mixed up in this sort of thing?

Last year, I would have said, "Hell, no!"

But it's a new normal, Hank.

You want a Christmas bonus this year,

you sell them leotards every gallon you can!

Who goes there?

Hank Hill, assistant manager, Strickland Propane.

I'm here to talk to, uh, Philip Motzinger.

Ah, you mean King Philip.

But begging your pardon,

you cannot pass in that horseless carriage

and manner of dress

for they do not exist

in our year 1590.

Why don't you cut the goofy talk and just open the gate?

Look, the Alamo Beer guy

was cool about it.

Prithee join me.

Just drive the cart.

King Philip, my liege.

I bring a merchant who wishes to display his wares.

Hank Hill, Strickland Propane.

Ah, so you are keeper of the flame.

Uh, assistant keeper of the flame.

Our kingdom is accepting bids

from members of your guild.

We require 1,000 stone a week

of your magic gas.

A stone is, in your native tongue, a gallon.

A thousand gallons a week?

What are you fellas doing with it?

That is the most beautiful thing I have ever seen,

I tell you what.

Honest to God, he did it just like this.

It was crazy.

Men in the Renaissance period often shook wrist to wrist

to check for daggers,

and because they did not use toilet paper.

We got to go.

I haven't had a caramel apple in weeks.

I've never seen anything like it.

Everyone was dressed up and playing make-believe.

That part was asinine, but, boy, they got a dragon

that burns 1,000 gallons of propane a week.

Yep, you heard me.

A week.

If I can close this deal,

I can get us that second sink in the bathroom.

No more bumping heads when we brush.

That would be paradise.

But... But wait.

We agreed I am saving up for the sink with my notary fees.

Well, that should cover the sales tax.

-But, I'm... -Just don't leave your hair in it.

That's the only payment I need.

Okay, Luanne, since you're older,

I'm putting you in charge of the spending money.

Spend it any way you want

with three rules.

No tights, tassels or skirts on the boy.

-Uh... -Oh, and no bells.

-Oh. -Have fun.

Mm-mm.

It says right here one dollar discount

with period costume.

Well, I'm from the future and the future is a period,

ergo, this is a period costume.

Period!

Good morrow, all.

Hey, there, sire.

I'd like you to meet my, um...

lady.

Lady Peggy.

Delighted.

Well, nice to meet you, Phil.

-Hmm? -Now, I'm not a Renaissance expert,

but I did substitute teach Chapter Six in The World on Parade,

and let me tell you,

you have kept your historical inaccuracies to a minimum.

What inaccuracies dost thy mean?

Uh...

I think you meant, "dost thou mean."

And your British accent is really, really close.

Well, now that you've met my wife,

maybe I should meet your propane needs.

We should not discuss matters of trade

in the presence of the fairer sex.

Let's away!

Oh, yeah, sure.

Uh, Peggy, I'm going away with King Motzinger.

Why don't you away away?

And the "E" stands for economical.

Some people think the "E" stands for even-burning, but it doesn't.

So, do we have your business?

Hey, dude, it's the king.

We wage war on France on the morrow!

That is so gay.

Prince Thatherton of Thatherton Fuels was here last eve

pledging on his honor to undersell you by ten percent.

The difference between Strickland Propane

and Thatherton Fuels,

besides Thatherton's lack of focus,

is service.

I do demand proper service.

Then Strickland Propane is the place for you.

This is mead!

I said grog.

-I'm sorry. I... -Away!

A good wench is so hard to find.

You're fortunate. Yours seems sturdy.

If I had her in my employ,

it would solidify the bond between our two kingdoms.

Uh, Peggy is not an actual employee

at Strickland Propane.

But at Strickland Propane, our motto is,

"If you have a problem, tell us what it is and we will try to take care of it

as soon as we can."

Oh, wait, wait.

Have you already started?

Because I'm thinking of going back to "Number One Mom."

Hey, Peggy, guess who wants you to work in his kingdom?

The King.

How about that, huh?

Now you actually could help me get that sink.

Oh, I could, but will I?

Sure. We'll be a great team.

Side by side like our double sinks.

King Philip, sir?

How now, gas man?

Uh, pretty good, thanks.

Uh, my wife Peggy is ready to serve the kingdom.

I am a Renaissance woman.

This is a Renaissance Fair.

We are a perfect fit.

Delightful.

I've got just the hole for this peg.

Hear ye, hear ye!

By order of King Philip

for the crime of offering her own opinion,

this impudent wench has been sentenced

to one hour in the stocks.

Hoist your fruit, good men.

Oh.

Okay, Phil, where do I start?

King Philip sent us here about a job for my wife.

I'm not saying it has to be a good job,

but again, we were referred by the king.

All right, bear with me a sec.

This thing's so freaking slow.

I would make an excellent wandering minstrel.

If I can play guitar on the Stairmaster,

I certainly can do it while wandering.

Hmm, no. See, you're a woman.

Other than the yard-long margaritas,

we're pretty strict about historical accuracy.

We're pretty much looking at cleaning wench,

stable wench or butter-churning wench.

Are you sure you don't have any openings for a queen?

Warrior princess?

No. I can go over the wenches again.

Is cleaning wench the highest-ranking wench?

Highest?

Oh, uh...

Yes.

When a tour comes by,

clean the rug by beating the dirt out of it.

When the tour leaves,

dirty the rug by sprinkling dirt on it.

Well, as back-to-back-to-back substitute teacher of the year,

I may look far too intelligent to be a cleaning wench.

I just hope people buy it.

Whoo.

I am sweating like a horse here.

Well, what happened to you?

I was punished for my sloth

and impertinence.

Why are you talking like that?

Honey, you don't want the king

to catch you breaking character.

Once, he put me on stable duty for humming an Elvis song.

Follow me, fair visitors.

To our tasks, everyone! Villagers approach!

I hope you enjoyed the stable and the sty.

We now move on to some more comely beasts of burden,

the wenches.

Good morrow, everyone.

I am beating a rug.

A very important job

-for castles were oft drafty and... -Wench!

Whom addressed thee?

I addressed myself.

Since there was no such thing