Married... with Children

Hi. I'm Billy Ray Wetnapp for Pest Boys Extermination.

And I'm Kelly, your friendly neighbourhood Verminator.

And if you're lik e me...

there's nothing you love more than a good old-fashion cook out.

But if there's one thing that fries my frankfurter...

it's sharing my buns with a bunch of pesky insects.

Well, if bugs are making you sizzle...

just pick up a can of our newest insect repellent...

Pure-T-Poison.

And to demonstrate just how effective it is...

we've sprayed the Verminator's left arm with it...

and if she wants her paycheque, she'll have to stick that left arm...

into this cage of ravenous Samoan dragon beetles and tak e it.

- Left? - Right.

Got you.

Boy, I tell you, I'd rather have my ass caned in Singapore...

than get bit by one of them.

Somebody shoot me! Shoot me, please!

It's Manny, me and Ma here at Pest Boys, where our motto is. ;

"The only good bugs is named Bunny."

Although, we'd kill him too if you paid us.

"Left? Right. Got you"?

You know, if you were any dumber, my IQ would go down.

Bud, spare me your icky boy opinions and let's get back to the side effects.

Look, all it says...

is that Samoans use these beetles to make a kind of truth serum.

Truth serum?

Yeah, you know, it makes it impossible for you to lie.

For instance, if someone was to ask you, "How much is two plus two?"

Now, you would have to be honest and answer:

Oh, yeah?

Well, I may insult you back, but deep down inside...

I envy your intelligence and hope you can't see through me.

Well, this could certainly be fun.

What am I gonna do?

- Hello? - Hi, Bud.

Hi, Mom. How's everything in Wanker County?

Oh, fine. Grandma's doing much better.

It was just a mild heart attack, but it took us all by surprise.

Oh, please.

Jupiter's got moons that weigh less than she does.

By the way, Mom, Kelly's been real anxious to talk to you.

Yeah. Hold on a second.

- No, I don't wanna... I don't wanna talk... - Take the phone!

- Hi, Mom. - Hi, sweetheart.

- How is everyone? - All right, I guess.

Dad's at the shoe store and Bud is holding his own.

- And how are you? - Well, fine.

Especially considering what a horrible role model you were.

But then again...

you were too busy watching TV and dyeing your hair, so...

I'll see you in a few weeks, Mom. Yeah.

Oh, my God. Those stupid beetles have me telling the truth to my own mother.

That is a squaw that stroked the camel's sack.

Why can't I have a job I love like everybody else?

Oh, God, I hate my job.

- Hey, Al? - I'm back here, Jefferson!

Oh, hey, Al. What are you doing?

I'm doing some inventory. What's going on with you?

Oh, Marcie's in another one of her foul moods. PMS.

- You know, post-MasterCard syndrome. - Yeah, I know.

I mean, she can charge anything any time she wants...

but let me buy one stinking ivory-inlaid pool table...

Oh, well. You wanna come over...

see what the limit on a Platinum card looks like before they haul it away?

No, to tell you the truth, I'm looking forward to a great night of sex.

- I thought Peggy was out of town. - She is, that's what makes it so good.

Good one.

Do me a favour, hand me that box of sandals over there, would you?

Oh, sure.

Hey, you know, maybe Marcie could use a pair of sandals...

Hey!

- Jefferson, are you okay? - I think I got whiplash.

I don't have no insurance.

Well, then I don't have whiplash.

Now, wait a second, Al...

Wait a second. There's a bunch of boxes back here, Al.

- Give me a hand. - Move them over here.

- Check this out. - Man. What the hell?

Hey, Jefferson, maybe this is Al Capone's treasure.

Why would Al Capone hide his treasure in the wall of a women's shoe store?

Maybe he was dating J. Edgar Hoover.

Come on, let's get this stuff outside.

It's pretty heavy.

Oh, please let it be money.

It's gotta be money. I know it's money.

- I know it, I know it, I know it... - It's shoes.

I knew it.

Shoes. Al, what kind of numskull would hide shoes in a shoe store?

Me.

I didn't like doing inventory in the '70s either.

The '70s.

The clothes, the shoes, the music.

Boy, did they suck.

Come on, help me wall this stuff back up.

Oh, no, no, no. Wait a second, Al.

Don't you know what's going on in the world?

Oh, look at me, Jefferson. You know that I don't.

Al, '70s fashions are back in style now.

These shoes, my friend, are worth a lot of money.

Yeah, right. These shoes cost less than 20 bucks back then.

I know those shoes. They were called Foxy Ladies.

I'll give you $200 for those. Who do I pay?

Oh, yeah.

Jefferson, 100 bucks each. You know what this means?

You have to put great sex off for some other night?

Put it off? Hell, I'm having it right now.

Hi, I'm Terry Murphy with What's Hip in Chicago.

And today I'm standing in what used to be called...

Gary's Shoes and Accessories, but thanks to the genius of one man...

That's... That's two men.

Two men. - The hip, the trendy and pathetic...

are flocking to Al Bundy's House of Sole.

And now I'd like you to meet the shoe guru himself...

Mr. Al Bundy.

Four touchdowns in one game, you say?

My, isn't that something?

But for the few viewers we have left, Mr. Bundy...

what inspired you to create this environment?

Well, you see, Terr...

You don't mind if I call you Terr, do you?

Yes, I mind.

Oh, well, you see, Terr, I think that the...

I think the '70s symbolizes the very best in America.

Take The Avengers, the Shelby Cobra, "Bad Moon Rising."

That was the '60s.

Well, take Miami Vice, the DeLorean, "Ebony and Ivory."

That was the '80s.

Well, what happened in the '70s?

The Ford Pinto, Diff'rent Strok es and Billy Beer.

This is Terry Murphy for What's Hip in Chicago...

wishing I were Terry Murphy for What's Hip in L.A.

Diff'rent Strok es, really?

Back to you, Bob. Cut.

Well, Dad, as near as I can count...

you got 30 crates back there with 10 pair of shoes per crate.

Oh, man.

That's 30 times something shoes.

That's exactly what Kelly said.

Right after, she said your lack of parental guidance...

was directly responsible for her low self-esteem...

and has coloured her relationship with all men.