The Eric Andre Show

Ladies and gentlemen,

...it’s "The Eric Andre Show"!

Ahhhhhhhhhhh! Ahh!

Ahhhhhhhhh!

Ahhh!

Ugh!

Ahhhhhh!

Ahhhhhhhhh!

Ahhhh!

Yah!

All right.

You hear about this guy Frederick Douglass?

Yeah, it's, like, call me when there's a Kirk Douglas.

There is a Kirk Douglas.

What would you do if they called you and said, "there is a Kirk Douglas" then what?

Problem solved.

That's it? That's what you would say?

Yeah.

All right. Cool.

So, I was at my accountant's, the other day and...

Please don't.

Please don't make me do this.

This sucks, man.

How about this? You're fired. You copy that?

You're fired. You're hired. You're fired.

Don't talk to me about the S.E.C.

Well, get him on the phone.

I'm going to go back in that office and rip your heart out...

...like I'm Kano from, "Mortal Kombat."

Hold on. Yeah, ma, I'm gluten-free now.

I'm the only one who stuck his neck out for BP.

I think all those fish in the ocean deserve to die.

Ugh!

Well, then buy it.

Well, then sell it. I don't know.

Ugh!

How old is this coffee?

I can't digest this shit. I'm lactose-intolerant.

Did you get the abortion yet?

Ugh!

You didn't get the abortion?

What am I paying you for?

Sell it. Just sell it.

Ugh!

Those prices are fantastic. We're not gonna do better than that.

Ugh!

Whee!

All right! My next guest... please welcome, the original Hulk...

Lou Ferrigno!

Even when you're in a good mood, you're terrifying.

There you go.

Well what have you been up to?

Me? I was on the "Celebrity Apprentice" last year.

Yeah, it seemed like you were getting shafted over there.

– I just...I kept my hands in my pocket. – Congrats.

What do you think happens after you die?

– Well, you got to hope you go somewhere. – Mm-hmm.

Man, you're shoving that doughnut down.

Yeah.

I want to get taxidermied, have them saw my teeth into fangs...

...and put, coyote eyes in my eye sockets...

...and be mounted like this in the Smithsonian museum,

...with a little plaque that says, "A Talk Show Host."

Why the Smithsonian?

'Cause I figure after World War III,

...there won't be too many talk shows, yo.

All right, ladies and gentlemen, my next guest, please welcome

The Hulk!

(CHUCKLING) How you doing?

– What's happening? – I'm good.

You look fantastic.

Oh, yes. Thank you.

What have you been up to?

You know, just hanging out, you know, hanging out,

...staying out of trouble, you know, I just...

One time, 1:00 in the morning,

I was tired. I was filming as the Hulk.

– (URINATING) – I decided to leave makeup on,

– (CONTINUES URINATING) – ...there was a car, drive along me.

He looks at me and he sees the car and he crashed into the car in front of him.

They're thinking I'm some kind of drag queen. Who knows?

Oh, my God, that's amazing.

Don't get makeup on my arm.

I'm attracted to you.

Don't do it.

It'll be a ... bad.

Okay, don't go any further.

Do you see this shirt?

If you get green on that shirt...

It's tense here, man.

Oh, really? It... Hey, we're on TV. I'm not joking.

Don't get closer to me.

Okay?

So... (CHUCKLES)

– So, what, uh ... what do... – If he gets closer, I'm gonna leave.

Okay.

Sit, Hoos.

Excuse me. Ma'am?

Sir? Sir?

Sir?

Excuse me. M-ma'am?

Can you help me please for a second? I'm sorry. Miss?

Uh-huh?

Hi. Have you seen my dog?

Uh-huh.

Describe him to me!

– (SLOWED-DOWN) Describe him to me! – Aaaaaaah!