On the Double

Berlin, 1944.

A secret radio message from Adolf Hitler

personally to his spies in Great Britain.

"Kill General MacKenzie-Smith, please."

There was terrible headaches, you know.

Here in London, this is how the message was passed on.

It's only now that we of British Military Intelligence

have been able to piece together fully

from captured German documents.

We thank Paramount Pictures in Hollywood

for having the courage to put this on the screen.

I know we wouldn't.

The German Secret Service didn't hesitate a moment

in placing Hitler's orders into effect.

MacKenzie-Smith was drawing up the plans

for the Allied invasion of Europe

and had to be stopped at all costs.

Here come General Eisenhower, Field Marshall Montgomery,

General de Gaulle,

and Sir Lawrence MacKenzie-Smith himself

wearing the familiar eye patch.

Stop! Stop or I'll shoot!

Dear, dear. We don't seem to be catching up.

Well, after all, the Germans are in a Rolls Royce

and our lads only have American Jeeps.

Not that we're not grateful, mind you.

Uh, it is better than walking.

Oh, come, come. Let's get those ruddy names off the screen

Never heard of any of those chaps. Have you?

MAN ( over speaker ): This camp area is now sealed.

That night MacKenzie sealed every military area in Britain.

Nothing could move in or out.

Not even two American soldiers assigned to a British base.

MAN ( over speaker ): ...permitted to leave this base

by personal order of the General Officer

MacKenzie-Smith, that so and so.

Boy, you can say that again.

Cheer up, Joe. So we can't leave for home

Pack up your troubles in your old kit bag and smile.

Smile. Smile.

Sure. After all the trouble to get the Red Cross

My poor wife having

My mother isn't desperately ill. She's on Miami Beach.

She sent me a picture of her in a bathing suit,

My poor sister

works for the Red Cross. Want to get her in trouble?

No, I don't wanna get her in trouble.

How many times have I told you I'm on the salt-free,

fat-free, high-protein low-calorie diet?

What's so difficult about that?

It's not easy to get it on a shingle.

No.

We don't even belong in this teabag outfit.

Well, I know that. The, the--

Our company was just loaned to the British Army

to show them how to open spam or something.

All right. Why don't we see the captain?

We'll explain the whole situation to him.

He's a nice fellow. He'll cut some orders for us,

and then in a couple of days, we'll be home.

Ernie, this is the army, remember?

There are a couple of boys

trying to get home from Gettysburg.

They'll make it.

Inspecting something, I guess.

Why ain't they out fighting the war?

What do you want? Why aren't we fighting the war?

Because we want our side to win. That's why.

Sit down, chaps.

We're all in the same leaky boat.

Not us. We're supposed to be sailing on one tonight.

Our sick ones are waiting for us.

This military camp is now sealed

by order of the general commanding

by order of His Majesty's government,

and by order of the Prime Minister.

Uh-huh.

: Hey! We shall fight them

on the beaches. We shall fight them on the streets.

But, uh, how can we fight them

if we can't get out of this ruddy camp?

Quiet, will you? I've gotta think.

Now, there must be somebody we know

that's got enough influence to get us out of here tonight.

: There's only one man.

: Sieg heil!

Now he'll run his whole Luftwaffe for you.

He has a gamut of three.

It's because he was raised in the German section of Brooklyn.

: There'll always be an England,

but they will be driving Volkswagens.

We will have the--

Ernie, your mustache fell in the potatoes.

It looks right at home.

: Yeah, well...

See, without my patch, I have one good eye

with 20/20 vision and one bad eye

uh, in case of extreme myopia, you see.

And, uh, I wrote a letter to my draft board about it,

He's jolly good, you know?

The life of the party.

Do an imitation of the boat sailing

for the States without us.

: When the saints go marching in.

Will you quit fooling around?

: Honestly, we'll get going.

Of course.

I can just see MacKenzie Smith,

that one-eyed old slave driver

giving you permission to go.

Yeah, so can I. Yeah, here.

: Uh, um, speak up, young man.

Huh, what's his mother doing around in Rip Rolls. What?

Nuh-uh. Good heavens, man.

Why didn't you speak up sooner?

Oh, yes. I say unseal Britain,

and let my people go.

Don't encourage him, please.

Oh, that's the old bird to a tee.

your duty is merely to do your duty.

Do you understand? Obey orders.

Now yours is not to reason why.

Ours is not to reason why either.

If any stops to reason why,

we should all be in Miami Beach with Mother.

Ha, ha, I say, that's a rather witty one.

Well, uh, what?

Carry on.

Come on, chaps.

On the double.

Ernie.

Well, what for?

We're going out to the motor pool.

Grab a car. You'll sit in the back seat

and I'll drive you out, General.

I won't be impersonating an officer.

That's what I mean. I'll impersonate an officer.

Ernie, it's dark outside.

Don't you see how you fooled that limey captain?

wearing all that brass.

I'll make like your chauffeur. It's a cinch.

You must be out of your mind.

You don't even know how to drive.

The incredible just takes just a little bit longer.

and categorically no, no, no.

Hey!

Who goes there?

Oh, sorry, sir.

I didn't know you were visiting the camp, sir.

But I have strict orders, sir. Your orders not to let anyone

Quiet, sergeant.

: Um, very good.

But I've just revoked the order,

and I am in a bit of a rush.

Open the barrier. There's a good man.

Sorry, sir, but you must prove your identity.

Blasted man, I have urgent business

at Supreme Headquarters.

I have no time to play Tin Soldier. Never have.

Now you know who I am.

Open the barrier or I shall have my man

drive through it!

Open.

: Once we get out of sight, I'll take the wheel.

I've got to hand it to you. Maybe it was you

who had the IQ of 185.

I guess it was mine.

Listen, you better get out and change that tire

before they try to come and help us.

Where do they hide the tools in these things?

I don't even know where they put the motor.

I can't do that. I'm the general.

So, be democratic.

Oh, stop worrying. They didn't even notice us.

Hey, I think I found the jack. Heh, look.

Look, I think I found a fuse.

Oh, what fender.

What to do?

Let me get out of here!

Lift up, so I can put the jack under here.

: Yeah, oh, God!

Get this thing up--

We have transport for you, sir. Please get in.

We'll take you to Supreme Headquarters.

I've got a better idea.

Take me to jail.

Yes, yes. A remarkable resemblance to the general.

But we must be absolutely certain.

The Nazis, I'm sorry to say, escaped.

They've slipped through our fingers again,

up our sleeve as a last resort.

Finally, we seem to have stumbled on a man

who has a chance of carrying it off.

Yes, but yeah, you've seen the report on this fellow?

He's a hypochondriac, a malingerer,

a confirmed grouser, he's got flat feet--