Future Man

Over here.

Leave it.

Hey, just leave it!

Behind the dumpster, quick!

Get down, shh, shh.

Please, don't hurt them.

Now that's what I call a hole in one.

There's the shock.

And awe.

Hey kid, I think you dropped this.

You're safe now.

Can't say the same for the rest of humanity.

Who are you?

‐I'm Future Man. ‐Joshy.

‐No, I'm Future Man. ‐Joshy!

‐Future Man. ‐Joshy?

Joshy?

Joshy!

Joshy!

Dad, you don't have to wake me up, okay?

I have an alarm clock.

Yeah, but not one that makes you pancakes.

Come on, you little buddy boo.

I'm an adult, you don't have to make me pancakes!

My joystick!

‐Yo! ‐Hey, Futterman!

‐How you doing? ‐I'm doing good,

uh, except I need another joystick.

Another one, what happened?

You spazz out playing Biotic Wars?

Smash your joystick...again?

Why you still playing that stupid game?

I know why.

Because he spanks it to this one‐‐Tiger!

That is not true, I do not spank it to Tiger.

Dude, you spank it to Tiger so much,

your right hand should be called Siegfried, man.

Bam, you like that?

I've been working on my slams.

Look, don't worry about it.

We all jerk it to video game people.

I mean, she's not my type.

I prefer Ms. Pac‐Man.

Ms. Pac‐Man is married to Mr. Pac‐Man.

No, because then she would be called

Mrs. Pac‐Man, not Ms. Pac‐Man.

This is essentially Pac‐Man's daughter.

I'm fucking Pac‐Man's daughter

under Pac‐Man's roof and she's gobbling my dick like

homp, homp, homp.

Me personally, I've always wanted to fuck Luigi.

I love Italian dick.

I bet Luigi's dick, the whole dick is hairy.

The whole dick.

He has a dragon that shits eggs

like a chicken, that's fucking dope.

Look, Luigi wouldn't last one day in the Biotic Wars.

And, by the way, think about Super Mario Bros. as a whole.

It's a ridiculous game, it makes no sense at all.

What do you mean, what do you mean?

What do you mean, "What do you mean"?

Bowser builds a castle, he knows there's little

Italian plumbers that are trying to stop him,

but yet he makes these giant green pipes

that lead right inside.

‐That makes no sense. ‐No, 'cause it's destiny.

‐Destiny?! ‐That's how you know

it's meant to be, he had big pipes.

And the one thing he didn't see coming

was two Italian plumbers that fit exactly in those pipes.

Those games suck, come on!

Your games suck.

Yeah, your game is literally unbeatable.

That is why I play it,

because it's unbeatable.

Think about it.

How many people have beaten Halo?

How many people have beaten Call of Duty

or BioShock?

I play this game because no one has beaten it.

Why would I want to beat a game that everyone can beat?

There's nothing special about that.

That's a true truth.

Okay, I don't have time for this,

I have to get to the lab.

Yeah, have fun saving the world.

Earth 2162.

The human race is on the brink of extinction.

The Biotics, a super race immune to disease,

have released a deadly virus

killing nearly all of Earth's

40 billion inhabitants.

Hey Carl.

Hey, Josh, how are you?

Living the dream.

What's left of humanity hangs on by a thread,

defended by a small army known as the Resistance.

I'm Tiger, this is Wolf.

You're our newest recruit.

Come fight.

Welcome to the Resistance.

Would you like to load previous game, Future Man?

Yes, I would.

Let's fuck this place up.

Rip his fucking dick off!

Weapon upgrade, X28 Psychoblaster.

Nice, X28 Psychoblaster.

Enemy vehicle approaching.

Use your subatomic sensor mine.

Thank you for that, Wolf.

‐Blow 'em back to hell. ‐Yeah, hoo!

Come on, come on, come on, yes!

‐I live for blood! ‐Hey, Josh.

Hoo, how long have you been in here, buddy?

It smells bad.

You know you're surrounded by cleaning supplies, right?

Yeah, yeah, no, I know, I just‐‐I'm in the middle

of something right now, man.

Look, buddy, I hate to tell you this,

but you might have an unhealthy obsession

with this video game.

It's not unhealthy.

So that's not a water bottle

filled with your piss so you don't have to stop playing?

No. No, it's‐‐it's‐‐ It's apple juice.

‐Why don't you take a sip? ‐'Cause I'm not thirsty.

You're so thirsty right now,

‐and you love apple juice. ‐Not that much.

It's your third favorite juice.

Not thirsty, dude.

Then why you sweating right now?

You parched, you want a sip?

Nope.

'Cause it's piss.

Anyway, what level are you on?

‐Hoo, 83. ‐83?

‐Yep, yep. ‐That's the one

you always die on, right?

It is, and every time I come back with more

and more weapons, however...

I have never made it this far with this many

weapons in my arsenal.

Get ready to witness history.

‐Kill 'em all! ‐To the left, to the left!

I'm dead.

That was fast!

So brutal.

They took all your limbs.

Yeah, they always do.

Well, at least it helped me take my mind off

all the shits I have to plunge for a while.

I am so glad you said that

'cause I did not have a graceful way

to segue into this, um, but there's actually

more shits for you to plunge, buddy.

I'm sorry.

It's okay, man, it's not your fault.

Well, actually, one of 'em was.

If you were as good at cleaning as you are at leering,

you'd be a pretty good janitor.

But you aren't.

You are a shitty janitor.

Dr. Camillo, please, just give me a break.

Oh, we gave Dr. Yakamura a break to his collar bone

when he slipped on your wet floor

and broke all my samples.

I'm really sorry, Stu.

Sorry doesn't re‐swab those urethras.

Do you think I like swabbing urethras?

Guess it depends on the urethra.

Nope, they're all bad.

But I swab them all the same

because it's my job, which is actually

really, really important,

unlike your job, which could be done by a Roomba.

That's enough, Dr. Camillo.

I'm sorry, Dr. Kronish.