Love Thy Nader

Mary Holland! Hello.

Daddy's home, baby girl.

-Hey, girls. - May-May!

-May-May! - I missed you!

- Girl! - May sandwich!

-Did you miss us? -The house was quiet without y'all.

-I'm sure. -I'm not gonna lie.

-Is this your journal? -I got a lot

-Did you miss us? -Is that your diary?

That's not my diary. That's market notes.

I don't think you would understand any of it.

Oh.

We are just getting back from Formula 1 in Miami. It was crazy.

I had a blast. I had more fun than I have in a while since the breakup.

For once in a really long time, I actually forgot about it

and, like, my mind was on having fun and being with friends

and, like, having a flirt or two. I am entering my full-blown single era.

And so I actually left the weekend on a big high.

Wait, how was your weekend?

-What did you do? -I got a lot done.

Did you build a company? Did you cure cancer?

Do I look like May?

No.

I entered micro-retirement with all of these ideas,

trying to figure out what I wanted to do for the next chapter.

And so I think I really wanna build something and start my own business,

which is why I decided to stay back and get work done.

I really wanted to hash out my business plan, work on my pitch deck.

I haven't gotten this much work done in a while.

We had a lot go down, let me tell you.

Wait, tell me everything. What happened?

I had five rooms in Miami for F1,

and how do we end up sleeping? All of us in one bed.

- Stop. -We had probably, like, eight beds

'cause there was certain rooms with two beds.

That happens every single time. In this house we always sleep with you.

She would have been pissed if we went to another room.

- Sarah Jane had an eventful -Yeah.

-bathroom rendezvous at F1. - Shut up.

Why don't you tell May about your shenanigans?

-Don't put her on the spot. -I'll tell her in private when I want to.

She fingerbanged somebody in the bathroom.

- Stop. -That's my girl. Fingerbanging.

Oh, my God.

I wish I could have been a fly on the wall for that.

I was in the next stall over.

- You were? -I was like, what is going on?

She was in a stall next to you when you were fingerblasting.

-Stop talking about the bathroom. -I was. I was literally peeing,

-and I just heard craziness going down. -Shut up.

-I was like, what is happening? -Did you know it was Sarah Jane?

Well, I looked down and I saw her little feet in the heels, and I was like

Okay, stop. We don't need to talk about this anymore.

-I was like-- -I've heard both of you, by the way.

-Not in a public restroom. -She has had enough.

What are you gonna do?

Formula 1 was It was a chill No, it wasn't chill.

It was crazy and it was fun, fast and freaky.

Question, who wants to come with me to Charlotte Tilbury's party?

- I'm down. - I'm down.

-Jinx. -You?

Unfortunately, I can't make it tonight.

-Why? -Where you going with your little smirk?

Just chilling with my man.

- He's in town? -Yeah.

-Why didn't you tell us that? -Why do you never tell us any--

-He's coming in town today to see me. -Oh.

- Prove it. -"Tomorrow we hug endlessly into the night."

"My sweet princess."

-You're such a loser these days. -Proof in the pudding.

I assumed we would roll as a fucking foursome, bitch.

Bitch, this is the one time I gotta make time for my man.

One time?

I spent all weekend watching you guys pop off at F1,

and I was kind of just like, where's my man?

You can still, like, have single energy and vibe without hooking up with anyone.

-Not her. -I have single energy and vibe.

I was gonna ask, did the G word come up at all this weekend?

Yeah, people are asking me left and right. Then I think whenever they saw

-that I was clearly not with him -Moving on. Yeah.

Yeah, they were like, okay, good for her. I mean, I'm over it. Over it.

-Okay, good. We're all over it. -On to bigger and better.

Brooks talks about her roster more than it exists.

Her roster is two at all times.

That's healthy.

By the way, everyone's been there with a full roster. It's fun.

-I think you should, like, add on to it. -Just do it.

-Yeah. -If you lined up

Sarah Jane's recent hookups, you would not even know where you are.

Like, ugly old dudes, hot chicks, actresses.

When I was Sarah Jane's age, I was married.

And I had one person on my roster, my husband.

I'm dating to figure out what I like.

I am very young, and I'm learning about myself through these different people.

I guess that's where my old little Louisiana traditional self comes out

and I should be a little more wild and free.

Because I'm the youngest,

they all think that they can tell me what to do with dating.

And they actually haven't been that successful,

so I'm not gonna take their advice.

I'm pretty much a prude actually.

They're judgy as fuck.

And I think I'm, like, morphing into my parents. Ah, stop it.

You all need to get your own lives.

By the way, I love how in my room there's stray extensions,

and in yours there's stray contact lenses.

That's disgusting. I just touched your eyeball.

I swear they have a mind of their own.

Ew!

We can do laser on the outside, which tightens the skin,

but we also have to laser on the inside.

And what it's going to do is help tighten, help with lubrication,

and also help rejuvenate the skin.

Even though I will say I have an award-winning vagina.

-I've been told by many people -Yes.

Not many people. Anyways, I just, like, got out of this horrible relationship,

so I wanna get rid of his juju in the puss.

I agree.

After this breakup, I need a good cleansing, a good refresh.

Some people might sage their apartment, go to therapy.

I am all about a good treatment.

So let's just do some kind of vagina treatment 'cause why not?

There was a demon in there at one point.

There's all these things in nature that are great for healing.

And we have a really cool device we'll use on you today,

where it actually makes these ice crystals of the salmon sperm

-and infuses it into your skin. -Stop.

And we put it everywhere? Is that what we're gonna do?

-Literally. -You can put it anywhere in the skin.

Yes, I wanna be injected with salmon sperm.

How do you get the salmon sperm?

So, they take the salmon sperm and they highly purify it.

So they don't, like, jerk the salmon off?

- They, like, extract it. -Yeah. They extract it.

- Okay. -Like, in a lab type vibe.

Send them into a little room and, like, show them a hot video.

No, But it's you know, it's made in a laboratory. It's sterile.

It's purified, so

-Wow. Drumroll. -[Mary Holland imitates drumroll]

If shooting salmon sperm into my vagina help me move on from Gleb,

then I'm gonna do it.

All right, girl.

All right, your butt here, head here. And then legs are gonna go up here.

-Oh, Lord. -Yes, girl. So iconic.

First thing we'll do is the salmon sperm facial, but on your vagina.

Are you sure I can't get pregnant by a salmon?

-No. Are you ready? -No.

- -

-I'm jealous. -It's cold.

-I actually like this. -Does it feel good?

-Whoa. - Stop.

All right. Give us the laser.

I'm gonna freak out. I'm sensitive.

-You'll be fine. -

-So you're gonna hear a noise like this. -

You got it, girl.

-All right, so just relax your legs. -

-That was like -You're getting so much hotter

by the second, Brooks.

-This is gonna be so worth it. -Fuck!

I don't know what Brooks has been up to, but I'm 26 years old.

My vadge is plenty tight. And besides, even if I wanted to,

it doesn't fit into my micro-retirement budget. That stuff adds up.

-All right, that's it. -Done!

-You did it. -You're already hotter.

-Hotter than you. Yay. -Hot girl summer O-T-dubs.

Thank you, fishies.

Can't wait for round two.

- Grace Ann. There you are. - What?

Using Brooksie's bathroom, I see.

Don't tell Brooks I'm using all of her good products in here.

I just was working on my pitch, and I kind of want to run it by you

to hear your initial thoughts since you are my target market.

-Yeah, go for it. -Without further ado.

I've been working really hard to refine my pitch deck for my business plan,

but I really wanna make it short enough to bring up in a casual conversation.

So I'm pitching it to my sisters this week,

and I know out of everyone, they will be brutally honest.

Most people when they get a nine-to-five

are instructed exactly on what retirement accounts to open,

what health care to choose,

and they have basically a guidebook

-when you join corporate America. - Okay.

Millions of workers who don't work on a W-2 don't have that.

So, me?

Yeah, people who make random, inconsistent income

don't have a centralized place to go to be guided on what accounts to open,

what health care to choose, how to basically "adult in life."

Are you saying I don't know how to adult?

I wouldn't consider Grace Ann to be the most financially responsible person,

but hey, that's who I'm targeting.

So if I can't explain it to her, then I can't explain it to my target market.

What I wanna create is one place for the independently employed to go

if they don't have a nine-to-five telling you what to do.

Does that make sense?

Not really. I don't know what you mean by "don't know what to do."

Like, where do you invest your money? Do you have a retirement account?

-Do you have a healthcare plan? - Yeah, girl.

You know what I mean?

All of these independent workers don't have an employer.