The American Meme

My real life isn't that interesting,

that would warrant people to really want to follow me,

so I have to put on an exaggerated... truth.

I feel like we're living a South Park episode,

but it's kind of funny to watch.

Watch out for bears.

Stop! What the fuck are you doing?

Let the music take over. Here we go.

I want the homeless people of New York

to have the opportunity to have sick bodies.

I just got a lot of scratches, a lot of bruises.

My nose was fractured because somebody opened the door on my face.

God called me and said,

"Khaled, embrace your blessings with this technology."

Every fan out there, I feel like we know each other

for real, and that's like,

what you call love.

I have millions of fans coming while I'm eating,

and I try to embrace them even when I'm eating lunch.

Bless up. Egg whites,

turkey sausage, lil' wheat toast, of course water.

Give thanks to the most high.

Everyone's hashtag blessed,

hashtag grateful.

I like to think in some ways,

that I'm living some sort of, like, weird perverted dream.

It's like being introduced to a new drug.

This drug's awesome, but it's only been around for a year.

We don't know what the side effects are going to be 20 years from now.

I'd like to live in a glass cube suspended from a crane.

I'm just down for 24-hour complete access.

I believe in natural selection. Nature weeds out the weak.

My job is to make you fall in love with me.

Please welcome DJ Khaled!

You go to a school and you ask a bunch of kids, like,

"What do you wanna be when you grow up?" They say, "Famous."

Like it's a job.

Picture time!

Everyone's a bunch of clones.

They have the same lips, the same makeup.

I'm like, "Do you really want to be

posting a picture of you with your boobs out?"

But it's like, "Everyone else is doing it!"

That's how lonely we are,

that we're going on here and seeking validation

from strangers to love us.

There's this whole thing, this attention accusation,

that we're just doing it for attention.

And my argument is, "What's wrong with attention?"

We have kids eating laundry detergent,

so I guess we've evolved.

Oh, my God!

When is enough enough?

I don't want to watch kids lighting themselves on fire.

That's just-- It's crazy.

Another day at the office.

What if you woke up tomorrow and you were a nobody?

You had no followers, you had none of that.

Can you go back to being yourself?

When I get up in the morning, I'll first look on Instagram,

and then Facebook, Twitter,

Pinterest, Tumblr, WeChat.

I have over 50 million followers on all my social media platforms.

Good morning! Buddies!

I love you.

I need you, I need you, I need you right now.

Hi, Paris. I'm Menuet from Italy.

Love you, Paris, all the way from Australia!

So many kisses from Spain.

You are the best pet mom ever.

You have like 30 pets.

You once bought steak for a street dog?

You are my kind of girl.

My fans call themselves the Little Hiltons.

There are kids from all around the world

and they all are connected as this family.

And all call me mom.

"Mom" means you are everything to them.

Good morning, princess.

Time to get ready! We have a huge today coming up for us!

You tagged me on your Instagram, which is, like, the best thing ever.

It changed my life as in, like, everybody else said, the confidence?

I didn't have it before, but because of you...

I love my fans just as much as they love me.

I feel closer with them than I do most people that I know.

It's...

It's-- They're really like my family.

My parents think I'm crazy.

They're always like, "Why do you let them so into your life?

I can't believe you give them your phone number.

You're letting them stay at your house.

Like what's wrong with you?"

I'm constantly traveling.

250 days a year, I'm on a plane in a different country.

So it gets really lonely sometimes.

I've been through so much in life, and...

I don't really trust people.

I've just grown accustomed to being fucked over.

With my fans, I don't feel like that at all.

There's not a day that goes by that I'm not either texting, FaceTiming,

or emailing with my Little Hiltons.

I can truly be myself around them.

I know that they're not judging me.

They're not trying to use me. They just genuinely love me.

A lot of these kids come from either

broken families or just really strict parents.

They just pour their heart out about their problems.

They say that watching me go through so much

really helped them be even stronger.

I'm always trying to be there for them and let them know

it's okay to be them. It's amazing to watch my fans...

grow up.

It's-- Because I've known them since they were little.

Paris has influenced me since I was about 14 years old

and I was really shy, I was really fat when I was at school.

And following her has given me so much confidence.

Like I'm really proud to call her my idol because it feels like she's a saint.

Why would anyone not love her? She's perfect.

A lot of the little Hiltons were comparing me to Jesus.

It's a huge compliment

that just makes me feel really special.

Hey, bitches. I'm Paris. Welcome to my house.

Come in.

All this shit was really expensive.

Oh, my God, c'mere, c'mere. This is my maid, Consuela.

-It's Jennifer. - Whatever. Get out of here.

These are all my servants. Hey, bitches! Love you!

This is my car. Freakin' money.

That's hot. That's hot.

That's actually hot.

This is my closet, where I keep most of my costumes.

This is my beekeeper, one of my characters that I first did on Vine.

He's a beekeeper, but not really. He's just an alcoholic

and doesn't have a job.

What did the beekeeper say to the hooker?

There better not "bee" any chlamydia up in there.

Or like Natalie Nature.

She was basically, like, all the people in Los Angeles

who are, um, vegan and organic.

Welcome to the dog park! I love it!

Look at this dog. I love it.

Oh, organic! I love it!

This is my backpack. This is her chain.

Ghetto Dora the Explorer starter pack.

Yo, what up? I'm Dora and you hoes are watchin' Nick Junior.

You can't say that!

Bitch, I say what the... I want!

I would literally go to bed at night, pass out and I'm like...

And I would get up and I would make so many videos,

just create Vines, Snaps, Instagrams, just like pump out content.

I had all this creative energy pent up.

I just wanted to just fuckin' throw it up,

and that's what I did. I threw it up on the world.

I was just like... This is my soul!

I'm here with my best friend, Britney Spears!

-Brittany Furlan. -Go to hell.

This is a woman named Brittany,

singing the song "Gucci Gucci" while getting ready to go out.

Well, she taped herself doing this.

Why? I'm not sure, but I'm glad she did.

Please join me in welcoming Brittany Furlan!

Brittany Furlan!

So, you're like a big deal.

-No, I'm not. -Yeah, you are.

-No. -Yeah, you are.

Okay.

When you do well,

and a crowd cheers for you and, like, loves you,

oh, it's just the best feeling in the entire world.

And it also would feel bad, sometimes you put up a video

and it would just get, like, two likes and you're like, "Oh my God!"

It's a lot of pressure, and I don't like letting people down.

And if they didn't love it, then I didn't do my job.

It's the signature Beyoncé photo.

And I was like, "Oh, my God, how funny would it be if I do this

and I'm just, like, sticking my stomach out and I have a burrito."

Really push that belly out.

And this has to come back a little more.

Have your left foot be more straight back.

There you go.

And look at the burrito like you're gonna make love to it.

I'm a 30-year-old woman and this is what I'm doing. Pray for me.

And then, there's like a little thing on your leg there,

-get that off. -Oh, fuck!

Put your hand back a little bit so I can see more of your belly.

Maybe keep your hand straight and not so much bent like this.

There you go.

-You think we got it? Let me see. -Yeah.

Okay, so let's line me up.

This is the kind of things we do for social media.

- Done? -Save image.

-Is there a burrito emoji? -There's probably a taco.

Oh, here's a burrito!

Done. Okay, I'm gonna post it.

How many likes did you get?