Gossip Girl

Morning, followers. Gossip Girl here.

Márquez once said, "We all have three lives.

-A public life, a private life..." -You have any fun, at least?

-Of course. Always. -"...and a secret life."

I'm off to Berlin. I'll be back tomorrow.

But he left out the most important one. -Love you, Dad.

-(CELLPHONE PINGS) Our dating life.

And ever since JC got ditched by Noble O

for a little Z, she's been on an international manhunt

for a worthy replacement.

She's gone truffle hunting

with the Italian prime minister's son...

The truffle is a passion, and you need passion to hunt them.

But this dress is a sample.

...yachting with the last Shah of Iran's grandson...

Might I invite you to steam in my huge hammam?

She even shared a green juice

with the Bonus Jonas.

All he could talk about was how PC told him

he was cuter than Joe and Kevin combined.

Spies tell us nary a one

wanted a second bite at her apple.

What?

Perhaps this will provide a temporary balm?

Little Z may occupy JC's former residence

on the arm of the prince of New York,

but she's definitely not to the manor born.

Hope the prince doesn't lose interest,

or Little Z may find herself Lonely Z.

Maybe they're sisters after all.

The throne is waiting, but it won't sit empty for long.

Quelle disaster.

Even Timothée rescinded his invite to MIPCOM

after seeing these!

You need to stop being so choosey.

Everyone knows the only way to get over an heir is to get under another one.

I tried. I guess heirs just aren't as giving as I'm used to.

I didn't like any of them.

You don't have to like them, you just have to date them.

Jules, I hate to say this to you,

because fuck the patriarchy, right?

But, um, the men always win this.

Brad Pitt is ancient,

yet he wins an Oscar for showing his desiccated abs,

while a still-prime Angelina disappears a Disney witch.

Maybe it doesn't have to be about a man?

Millie Bobby Brown isn't defined by who she dates.

Millie Bobby Brown is pre-sexual.

You need a new Brad or it's Havisham for you.

-Also, fuck the patriarchy. Jules.

-Do you have to pee? -No.

Oh, me too. Thank you. Bye. (CHUCKLES)

So, if I tell you something,

do you swear on your Loewe not to tell anyone?

-Did you kill someone? -Worse.

I may have slept with Max.

-May have or did? -I did! I did!

I slept with Max! I slept with Max many times.

What? Why?

When? Basically all of the interrogatives.

You've known him for a decade. Why now?

I don't know what happened. Kiki drama? Sexual ennui?

My apparently latent self-destructive tendencies?

It was one night. One long, surprisingly informative night,

like, Jules...

-Are you gonna tell Aki? -I mean, I feel terrible,

but it had nothing to do with him. I love him.

Until I can give him a reason for these anomalous actions,

why cause him pain with the truth?

Consider my friend-DA signed.

I just hope Gossip Girl doesn't find out.

You're right. Now that she's verified,

if she posts it, people might believe it's true.

It is true.

I know! I'm a bad person! I'm a bad person!

I'm a terrible person.

Why, because you wiped out at LES?

No, but I deserve to. I'm a terrible person.

You are like the last person to be classified as terrible.

-What if I told you I cheated on Audrey? -I wouldn't believe you.

What if I told you I may have made out with someone

other than Audrey?

-You may have or you did? -I did!

I made out with someone.

Okay, um... Was it a one-time thing,

-or this was a recurring-- -Yes. Never again. Just once.

Okay then, who cares?

I mean, you still want to be with Audrey, right?

Of course. I love her.

This had nothing to do with her.

Okay, then why cause her the stress and embarrassment of your fuck-up?

You know what I mean?

Look, if it was a mistake, just learn from it and move on.

And make sure that whoever she is...

does not kiss and tell.

-That wasn't awkward. -Shh!

-Gossip Girl could be listening! -Yeah, she's everywhere.

-Hey. Something's up. -I know. It's working.

No. Something else. Check your e-mail.

Burton called a mandatory meeting after school.

I'm sure it's unrelated. -I'm not.

Oh, my God. There she is.

-(CAMERA SHUTTERS CLICKING) She knows? Taylor, did you see this?

I don't know, I gotta go for Pizza Rat. (LAUGHS)

"Who wore it better? Pizza Face or Pizza Rat?"

Just forget about it, all right?

By the time you refresh, it'll be gone.

Wow, you're right. And now it's a poll.

If it makes you feel any better, that rat is an iconic New Yorker.

Yeah, so is Zora Neale Hurston,

but no one's comparing me to her.

Okay, this is why I stay off of social media entirely.

Well, you don't even have to. Whenever you eat,

it looks like a dinner party in T magazine.

Speaking of dinner, my dad would like to have you over.

He said since I'm staying at Constance

and I appear to be serious about you,

he'd like to get to know you better.

Um... I'm stuck on "appear to be."

He's a lawyer. It's always about how it appears to be.

But don't feel obligated to it. It's just...

No, are you kidding? I mean, we can't hang out in...

morning runs and free periods and walks home forever.

I want to take you out on a...

-a real date. -(CHUCKLES)

And I understand your dad's apprehension.

So I will bring all the charm that I own.

-Tragic. Just look at her. I can't.

My transition Lapimas don't dim from daylight to depression.

Yeah, we've worked too hard

to let Julien abdicate without a fight.

I know, but we've tried every man on the Quest 400 list.

Who's left?

Maybe it isn't about a man. Maybe it's her.

Are you guys talking about me?

-No. Of course not. -Totally and completely, yeah.

I don't need you to pile on too, Max. I'm exhausted.

You want to know why no one you've been on a date with wants to get to know you better? Hmm?

It's 'cause they can't.

You're a billboard, not a body.

Curated, untouchable, willingly filtered by you,

-your stylist and publicist. -PR representative.

It's like I lost myself somehow.

Which is why I propose that we find her together.

A Manhattan Maxploration, tonight.

Consider me your White Rabbit.

We're gonna do things that you've never done before,

in places you have never gone before.

And when we are done, you are gonna be so real,

that even Obie will remember

why he loved you in the first place.

Audrey can vouch for how good I am at demolishing inhibitions.

Fine, go out.

But don't worry about how it looks.

Do it for yourself and do not document it.

-Document it! -Oh, my God, document it.

You in?

I know you're all curious

why I called this all-hands.

And so I'm just gonna cut to the chase. Gossip Girl.

I'm sure you're aware of it.

An anonymous Instagram account that spies on our students

and spreads rumors about them,

students whose parents rather generously

keep the lights on around here.

And many of those parents are now threatening

to pull their donations if this situation isn't solved.

-We're dead. Worse than dead. My predecessor...

-A Netflix documentary on dead people. -(WHISPERS) Jordan.

...of a pernicious presence that would sabotage

students' studies,

their social lives, even hijack graduation.

And now it's happening again.

-Vivian, if I may? -Oh, of course, Linda.

I've found Gossip Girl surprisingly helpful.

My students have seemed, I don't know, more mindful

of what they say and...

what they do around each other.

I agree. I'd even go so far as to say

the students are more respectful to us as well.

With apologies to my wife and Mr. Caparros,

I firmly disagree. Gossip Girl is a cancer.

Kids are on their phones more now than ever.

And in class.

Well, to address Mr. Schacter's very valid concern,

students will no longer

have access to their phones during the school day.

That's gonna be bad for business.

And you may have noticed some new bodies in our halls.

One of our parents has graciously donated

a consultancy with an intelligence agency.

They will conduct a swift investigation

to determine the source of our stress.

By this time next week,

Gossip Girl must be exposed and expelled.

Oh, my God, they hired Black Cube!

Let's not panic. We just have to keep them off our scent.

You're all following GG from your own accounts, right?

Rude, of course we are.

Okay. Then, like the posts and watch the videos.