A Countess from Hong Kong

- What's the charge, sister? - Half a dollar a dance.

- You mean them women are countesses? - Some are.

No kiddin'. Give me five bucks worth.

Thank you, sir.

- I got a ticket to dance with a countess. - Go to it, buddy.

Want to tell the folks back home I'm movin' in high society.

- Oh, pardon me. Can I sit down? - Please.

I've got a ticket to dance. You a countess?

No kiddin'!

Tell me, how many countesses are there around here?

Oh, quite a few.

Every statesman, every minister and diplomat should dedicate himself...

to the cause of world peace.

Ogden, it's Harvey! Ogden, are you still at that speech?

Here we are, China, Hong Kong, and you're still trying to save the world.

Let's get out of here. See the town. We're only staying 24 hours.

All right, Crawford. We'll finish this after lunch.

Okay, sir.

Can ya believe it? Hong Kong. By golly, I can see a Chinaman.

I wouldn't be at all surprised.

Look at them. Packed together like sardines.

That's what I dislike about the poor. They have no taste.

They indulge in squalor. They pick the worst neighborhoods to live in...

eat the worst kind of food and dress atrociously.

That's the first time I've seen you smile since we've been on this trip.

That wasn't a smile. That was a gas pain.

How do you feel, buddy?

Depressed.

You should be the happiest man in the world.

Six weeks you'll be divorced, and possibly the next Secretary of State.

- We'll wait and see. - Here's the day's paper.

"Ogden Mears, multimillionaire, son of the richest oilman in the world...

will be the new Secretary of State."

Let me see that.

You didn't finish the sentence. "According to the latest rumor."

"Son of the richest oilman in the world." They won't let you forget it.

That's the burden you must carry.

Harvey, you're a corrupting influence.

Maybe, but I didn't lead you into politics.

- What else is there to do? - Murder, arson, rape.

There's plenty of worthy occupations.

- Crawford, sir. - Come in, Crawford.

Just came over the wire. The President has appointed Mr Patrick Dowling...

- Secretary of State. - Dowling, huh? Well, that's show business.

- Who the devil is Patrick Dowling? - Secretary of State.

- I'll check for more news. - Thank you, Crawford.

Harvey, I guess you're right. I think I'll give up trying to save the world.

Tonight we're gonna celebrate Patrick Dowling's appointment.

Excuse me, sir. Mr Clark has telephoned.

Mr Clark? Where is he?

Up in the lounge. He says he's on his way down.

- Show him here. - Yes, sir.

- Who's Clark? - He's one of Father's senior directors.

A venerable old gentleman.

We don't want to get stuck with that old boy for the rest of the evening.

No, I'll get rid of him.

Remember you just got over the flu. Took a long sea voyage to get away from it all.

We don't want to be visiting parks and museums.

Mr Clark, sir.

Ogden, my dear boy, I haven't seen you since you were in swaddling clothes.

I must say you're the replica of your father.

Uh, Mr Clark, may I present my friend Harvey Crothers?

How do you do? I beg your pardon. Well, sir.

Hudson tells me you're under the weather and here I am ready to show you the town.

Unfortunately, this is my first day up after... the flu.

I think perhaps I better stay inside and just take things easy.

Of course, my dear boy. I'll not disturb you.

But before I go, I'd like to introduce some very dear friends of mine.

They're waiting in the lounge.

Well, certainly. Hudson, would you show Mr Clark's friends in?

They're alone in the lounge. You can't miss them.

Yes, sir.

Well, Ogden, too bad you're not up to scratch.

I was looking forward to showing you around.

Yes, well, I'm disappointed. I was reading about it and it sounds fascinating.

- The botanical gardens and museums... - Oh, dear me, dear me.

Botanical gardens? Ha, ha, ha! I think we can do better than that.

I guess I've been reading the wrong book.

Ogden, these are my friends.

This is Mr Ogden Mears...

Mr Harvey Crothers.

Countess Chiedoff...

Countess Natascha Alexandrov...

Baroness Cavanotchy.

Hello, I'd like a drink.

No, no, Baroness. It's too early.

Excuse me. What will you have, ladies?

- Champagne. - Champagne, champagne.

No, no, don't turn it off.

Music complements the champagne.

Ladies, would you be seated?

Too bad you're just getting over the flu, Ogden.

I thought we might go on somewhere this evening and take the ladies along.

But then the night air might be dangerous for you.

Oh, I think if I wrap up well it'll be all right.

Where are the girls?

I don't know. I think they went to the ladies room as soon as you left.

I must have inspired them with the same idea.

Let me tell you about these ladies. Harvey.

They are the daughters of Russian aristocrats.

Their titles are absolutely genuine.

Their parents escaped to Shanghai during the Russian Revolution.

Shanghai was a nasty place in those days.

An international settlement run by seven nations.

Because they had no country, their life was worthless.

They could be robbed, murdered. Nobody bothered.

Countess Natascha, the one sitting next to you...

has had rather a sad life.

She was the mistress of a gangster at the age of 14.

How did the others manage to live?

Many starved, others committed suicide.

Some of the women worked in dance halls.

The men had to compete with the cheapest labor

because they couldn't leave the country.

I think Harvey is very good-looking.

A lot of good that'll do you. He's penniless.

So what? Haven't you any romance in your soul?

Money makes me romantic.

I thought Harvey was the one with the dough.

You have poor instincts, my dear. It's the other one, Ogden Mears, who has the money.

He's the son of the richest oilman in the world, and Natascha's got him hooked.

Mr Ogden? He's very attractive.

Hmph. Leave it to Natascha. She's like a divining stick finding water.

Only in her case, she's found oil.

Well, you can have your big oilman.

He's here today and gone tomorrow.

But I shall stick to old Papa Clark.

He took me away from the dance halls.

Listen, Milton... Pardon me, Mr Milton Clark.

Would you like to dance?

Natascha.

You're very quiet this evening.

Am I? I'm sorry.

Don't apologize. I like quiet people.

They're either clever or dull.

I would say you're one of the clever ones.

Thank you. I'd better keep silent.

Well, whatever you do, it's very attractive.

Would you like to dance?

No. I'd like to sit here and talk with you.

- I regret I speak English so badly. - You speak it beautifully.

I understand you were born in Shanghai.

Yes. But my parents came from Russia.

And now they've moved to Hong Kong?

My parents died in Shanghai when I was 13.

- Haven't you any brothers or sisters? - I was an only child.

Thirteen, a little young to face the world.

We must all face it sooner or later.

Some more sooner.

How did you come to live in Hong Kong?

Well, there was another war, another revolution. So here we are.

But let us talk of something more cheerful.

I'm sorry.

- Would you like to dance? - I'd love to.

Congratulations, Your Excellency. You are now a Plenipotentiary Extraordinary.

Will you ring for the steward and have him bring some ice water?

Oh.

What's this Plenni-pli-plen-what?

Just came over the radio. You've been appointed...

Plenipotentiary Extraordinary to the Court of Saudi Arabia.

I'll never get away from the oil business.

You been sleeping on that couch all night?

What's this? Telephone numbers.

Some of your first official appointments, I guess.

And this?

Some roughneck guy got fresh with Natascha...

- in a nightclub and you clipped him. - I clipped him?

A brawl in a nightclub? Well, I'm off to a fine start as Ambassador.

- Steward, sir. - Would you bring me some Alka-Seltzer and ice water?

Yes, sir.

- Who's Natascha? - You don't know Natascha?

You ought to. You were pretty clubby with her last night.

- What do you mean "clubby"? - From the verb "club."

To form an association united by a common interest.

I don't want to hear any more. Where are we?

Way out at sea.

- When did we leave Hong Kong? - Two hours ago.

- That's the first call for lunch. Coming down?

No, I'm gonna take a bath and get myself together.

- I'll call ya later then. - Yeah.

Uh, Hudson.

Just fixing your bath, sir.

What are you doing, Hudson?

Just making a note of the telephone numbers.

Don't bother with them.

- Oh! - I beg your pardon.

Did I startle you?

- Who are you? - I'm Natascha.

Oh, well, how do you do?

Are we alone?

I don't know. Maybe there's somebody under the bed.

I'm sorry.

What are you doing in that closet?

Well, sir, if you'll allow me, I'll explain everything.

Go ahead.

I don't know whether you remember the Baroness, the Countess and me?

Get to the point.

After leaving the Pantheon, we finally finished up here.

And then?

Then you fell asleep, so everyone left, but I came back to look for my handbag.