The Eric Andre Show

>> LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, "THE ERIC ANDRE SHOW"! >>

"THE ERIC ANDRE SHOW"! >>

>>

>> DO WHATEVER, MAN. >> YEAH, DO WHATEVER, MAN.

>> YEAH, DO WHATEVER, MAN. >> HE-E-E-E-E-E-Y!

>> YEAH, DO WHATEVER, MAN. >> HE-E-E-E-E-E-Y! >> HE-E-E-E-E-E-Y!

>> GOOD MORNING. >> HI. GOOD MORNING. >> I'D LIKE TO MAKE A DEPOSIT.

>> HI. GOOD MORNING. >> I'D LIKE TO MAKE A DEPOSIT. IT TOOK ME TWO WEEKS TO FILL

>> I'D LIKE TO MAKE A DEPOSIT. IT TOOK ME TWO WEEKS TO FILL THAT THING UP.

IT TOOK ME TWO WEEKS TO FILL THAT THING UP. LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, A MAN WHO

THAT THING UP. LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, A MAN WHO NEEDS NO INTRODUCTION --

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, A MAN WHO NEEDS NO INTRODUCTION -- MR. JACK NICHOLSON, EVERYBODY!

NEEDS NO INTRODUCTION -- MR. JACK NICHOLSON, EVERYBODY! >> HEY!

MR. JACK NICHOLSON, EVERYBODY! >> HEY! HERE'S JOHNNY!

>> HEY! HERE'S JOHNNY!

HERE'S JOHNNY! WHAT'S HAPPENING, MY MAN?

WHAT'S HAPPENING, MY MAN? >> WHAT'S HAPPENING, JACK?

WHAT'S HAPPENING, MY MAN? >> WHAT'S HAPPENING, JACK? >> HEY!

>> WHAT'S HAPPENING, JACK? >> HEY! >> HOW ARE YOU?

>> HEY! >> HOW ARE YOU?

>> HOW ARE YOU? SIT DOWN, YOU OLD HOUND DOG.

SIT DOWN, YOU OLD HOUND DOG. >> AAH! HERE'S JOHNNY!

SIT DOWN, YOU OLD HOUND DOG. >> AAH! HERE'S JOHNNY!

>> AAH! HERE'S JOHNNY! >> YOU PLAYED THE JOKER.

>> YOU PLAYED THE JOKER. >> I DID.

>> YOU PLAYED THE JOKER. >> I DID. I WAS PRETTY GOOD.

>> I DID. I WAS PRETTY GOOD. >> WHAT ARE YOU UP TO?

I WAS PRETTY GOOD. >> WHAT ARE YOU UP TO? >> WELL, I'M JUST TRYING TO MAKE

>> WHAT ARE YOU UP TO? >> WELL, I'M JUST TRYING TO MAKE A DOLLAR OUT OF 99 CENTS.

>> WELL, I'M JUST TRYING TO MAKE A DOLLAR OUT OF 99 CENTS. >> YOU'RE ONE OF THE MOST

A DOLLAR OUT OF 99 CENTS. >> YOU'RE ONE OF THE MOST SENSUAL ARTISTS THIS SIDE OF THE

>> YOU'RE ONE OF THE MOST SENSUAL ARTISTS THIS SIDE OF THE MASON-DIXON.

SENSUAL ARTISTS THIS SIDE OF THE MASON-DIXON. >> REALLY?

MASON-DIXON. >> REALLY? >> YEAH.

>> REALLY? >> YEAH. >>

>> YOU'RE A VERY HANDSOME MAN. >> THANKS, ERIC. >> I'M SURE YOU HAVE QUITE THE

>> THANKS, ERIC. >> I'M SURE YOU HAVE QUITE THE SEXUAL RéSUMé.

>> I'M SURE YOU HAVE QUITE THE SEXUAL RéSUMé. >> WELL, LET ME PUT IT THIS

SEXUAL RéSUMé. >> WELL, LET ME PUT IT THIS WAY -- I WAS IN A ROCK-'N'-ROLL

>> WELL, LET ME PUT IT THIS WAY -- I WAS IN A ROCK-'N'-ROLL GROUP, YOU KNOW, WHEN I WAS

WAY -- I WAS IN A ROCK-'N'-ROLL GROUP, YOU KNOW, WHEN I WAS SINGING IN HAWAII AND STUFF, SO

GROUP, YOU KNOW, WHEN I WAS SINGING IN HAWAII AND STUFF, SO I WAS GETTING LAID EVERY NIGHT.

SINGING IN HAWAII AND STUFF, SO I WAS GETTING LAID EVERY NIGHT. >> YEAH.

I WAS GETTING LAID EVERY NIGHT. >> YEAH. >> MAN, YOU KNOW, I'VE BEEN

>> YEAH. >> MAN, YOU KNOW, I'VE BEEN DOING THINGS LIKE STEALING CARS

>> MAN, YOU KNOW, I'VE BEEN DOING THINGS LIKE STEALING CARS AND PICKING PARKING METERS, AND,

DOING THINGS LIKE STEALING CARS AND PICKING PARKING METERS, AND, YOU KNOW, JUST A BUNCH OF JUNK.

AND PICKING PARKING METERS, AND, YOU KNOW, JUST A BUNCH OF JUNK. AND I HAD SOME CHICKS THAT I MET

YOU KNOW, JUST A BUNCH OF JUNK. AND I HAD SOME CHICKS THAT I MET IN ONE OF THE BARS UP THERE --

AND I HAD SOME CHICKS THAT I MET IN ONE OF THE BARS UP THERE -- THEY CAME UP WITH A SNAKE.

IN ONE OF THE BARS UP THERE -- THEY CAME UP WITH A SNAKE. I HAD THIS BEAUTIFUL ROBE, MAN,

THEY CAME UP WITH A SNAKE. I HAD THIS BEAUTIFUL ROBE, MAN, AND IT WAS SILK AND IT WAS

I HAD THIS BEAUTIFUL ROBE, MAN, AND IT WAS SILK AND IT WAS ORIENTAL AND

AND IT WAS SILK AND IT WAS ORIENTAL AND AND I -- WHEN I ANSWERED THE

ORIENTAL AND AND I -- WHEN I ANSWERED THE DOOR, MY SLIPPED OUT.

AND I -- WHEN I ANSWERED THE DOOR, MY SLIPPED OUT. AND THERE WAS THESE TWO CHICKS,

DOOR, MY SLIPPED OUT. AND THERE WAS THESE TWO CHICKS, AND THEY'RE LOOKING DOWN AT MY

AND THERE WAS THESE TWO CHICKS, AND THEY'RE LOOKING DOWN AT MY FULL-ON WOODY.

AND THEY'RE LOOKING DOWN AT MY FULL-ON WOODY. >>

FULL-ON WOODY. >> >> I SAID, "WHAT'S HAPPENING,

>> >> I SAID, "WHAT'S HAPPENING, LADIES?"

>> I SAID, "WHAT'S HAPPENING, LADIES?"

LADIES?" THEY WERE DANCERS.

THEY WERE DANCERS. THEY CAME UP WITH A PYTHON -- A

THEY WERE DANCERS. THEY CAME UP WITH A PYTHON -- A WHITE ONE.

THEY CAME UP WITH A PYTHON -- A WHITE ONE. AND THEY DID A WHOLE THING FOR

WHITE ONE. AND THEY DID A WHOLE THING FOR ME UP AT MY PLACE.

AND THEY DID A WHOLE THING FOR ME UP AT MY PLACE. I GAVE THEM SOME GHB AND --

ME UP AT MY PLACE. I GAVE THEM SOME GHB AND -- >> WHAT WHOLE THING DID THEY DO?

I GAVE THEM SOME GHB AND -- >> WHAT WHOLE THING DID THEY DO? >> THEY TOOK THE SNAKE AND PUT

>> WHAT WHOLE THING DID THEY DO? >> THEY TOOK THE SNAKE AND PUT UP IN THEIR

>> THEY TOOK THE SNAKE AND PUT UP IN THEIR >> THAT'S WHAT -- THE BIT WHERE

UP IN THEIR >> THAT'S WHAT -- THE BIT WHERE THE SNAKE EATS THE GIRL'S

>> THAT'S WHAT -- THE BIT WHERE THE SNAKE EATS THE GIRL'S INTESTINES?

THE SNAKE EATS THE GIRL'S INTESTINES? >> NO, NO, NOT THAT FAR.

INTESTINES? >> NO, NO, NOT THAT FAR. >> OH, THAT'S A DI-- THAT'S -- I

>> NO, NO, NOT THAT FAR. >> OH, THAT'S A DI-- THAT'S -- I THOUGHT I SAW THE SAME THING AS

>> OH, THAT'S A DI-- THAT'S -- I THOUGHT I SAW THE SAME THING AS YOU.

THOUGHT I SAW THE SAME THING AS YOU. >> IT MIGHT.

YOU. >> IT MIGHT. YOU PROBABLY DID SEE SOMETHING

>> IT MIGHT. YOU PROBABLY DID SEE SOMETHING LIKE THAT.

YOU PROBABLY DID SEE SOMETHING LIKE THAT. HELL, NOTHING SURPRISES ME NOW.

LIKE THAT. HELL, NOTHING SURPRISES ME NOW. >> I LIKED IT.

HELL, NOTHING SURPRISES ME NOW. >> I LIKED IT. >> DO YOU REALIZE WHAT'S GOING

>> I LIKED IT. >> DO YOU REALIZE WHAT'S GOING ON NOW?

>> DO YOU REALIZE WHAT'S GOING ON NOW? ARE YOU DRINKING YOUR OWN URINE?

ON NOW? ARE YOU DRINKING YOUR OWN URINE? >> PEOPLE ARE DOING IT.

ARE YOU DRINKING YOUR OWN URINE? >> PEOPLE ARE DOING IT. >> OHH.

>> PEOPLE ARE DOING IT. >> OHH. >> IT'S IN.

>> OHH. >> IT'S IN. >> LET'S TALK ABOUT YOU PICKING

>> IT'S IN. >> LET'S TALK ABOUT YOU PICKING THOSE PARKING METERS.

>> LET'S TALK ABOUT YOU PICKING THOSE PARKING METERS. >> OH, YEAH, I WAS THE BEST AT

THOSE PARKING METERS. >> OH, YEAH, I WAS THE BEST AT IT, MAN, TILL I GOT CAUGHT.

>> OH, YEAH, I WAS THE BEST AT IT, MAN, TILL I GOT CAUGHT. THE POLICE GOT PISSED OFF AT ME,

IT, MAN, TILL I GOT CAUGHT. THE POLICE GOT PISSED OFF AT ME, THEY SAID, BECAUSE I WAS PISSING

THE POLICE GOT PISSED OFF AT ME, THEY SAID, BECAUSE I WAS PISSING ALL OVER THEIR CAR.

THEY SAID, BECAUSE I WAS PISSING ALL OVER THEIR CAR. AND THEY TOOK ME IN --

ALL OVER THEIR CAR. AND THEY TOOK ME IN -- >> YOU WERE PEEING ALL OVER THE

AND THEY TOOK ME IN -- >> YOU WERE PEEING ALL OVER THE COP CAR?

>> YOU WERE PEEING ALL OVER THE COP CAR? >> YEAH.

COP CAR? >> YEAH. >> THEY WERE SO PISSED OFF AT

>> YEAH. >> THEY WERE SO PISSED OFF AT ME.

>> THEY WERE SO PISSED OFF AT ME. BUT I'LL TELL YOU WHAT -- I WOKE

ME. BUT I'LL TELL YOU WHAT -- I WOKE UP WITH A DE-CATHETER UP MY

BUT I'LL TELL YOU WHAT -- I WOKE UP WITH A DE-CATHETER UP MY PENIS.

UP WITH A DE-CATHETER UP MY PENIS.

PENIS.

>> WE'RE BACK WITH JACK NICHOLSON. WE GOT A CLIP OF YOUR NEW MOVIE.

JACK NICHOLSON. WE GOT A CLIP OF YOUR NEW MOVIE. YOU WANT TO SET THIS UP FOR US?

WE GOT A CLIP OF YOUR NEW MOVIE. YOU WANT TO SET THIS UP FOR US? >> SURE.

YOU WANT TO SET THIS UP FOR US? >> SURE. IT'S ABOUT TAKING CARE OF

>> SURE. IT'S ABOUT TAKING CARE OF BUSINESS, MAN.

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!

YEAH, BABY. >> JACK NICHOLSON -- CRAZY AS HELL.

>> JACK NICHOLSON -- CRAZY AS HELL. >> YOU WANT TO SEE MY NIPPLES?

JACK NICHOLSON -- CRAZY AS HELL. >> YOU WANT TO SEE MY NIPPLES? >> EXCUSE ME.

>> YOU WANT TO SEE MY NIPPLES? >> EXCUSE ME. I HURT MYSELF.

>> EXCUSE ME. I HURT MYSELF. I HURT MYSELF WITH ALL THESE

I HURT MYSELF. I HURT MYSELF WITH ALL THESE QUESTIONS.

I HURT MYSELF WITH ALL THESE QUESTIONS. WHO DO YOU THINK'S GONNA WIN ALL

QUESTIONS. WHO DO YOU THINK'S GONNA WIN ALL THE GRAMMYS?

>> ALL RIGHT. HEY, MAN, YOUR MAIL IS HERE.

HEY, MAN, YOUR MAIL IS HERE. >> I AM ERIC ANDRAC.