Ugly Americans

I dive into the infinite light of self-creation.

Beyond death, my voice embraces the universe's song.

A great man once said,

"we have nothing to fear but fear itself."

Another said, "to conquer fear is the beginning of wisdom."

Problem is...

Ow!

I don't think they had as much to be afraid of as we do.

Ugh! Cut! Cut!

I am so sorry, Lady Hoo Ha.

We'll get those sewn back on right away.

No, idiot. That's my big finale.

Where's your sense of showmanship?

Ugh, I wish I worked for zombie Beyonce.

Hello?

Hello?

Oh, uh, I'm Mark Lilly.

I saw the Craigslist ad about the apartment.

Uh-huh. Tell me a little bit about yourself.

I'd like to hear a like, a dislike,

and your biggest turnoff.

Okay. Well, I like helping others,

I dislike intolerance,

and for my turnoff, I'm gonna have to go with bare feet.

- They're disgusting. - Well, those are answers.

You can write your number on the sign-in sheet,

and I'll be in touch.

Oh. Right.

Well, I should probably get going anyway.

I have my new hire orientation down at the D.O.I.

Whoa! Say what? You work at the D.O.I.?

What took you so long to tell me?

We just met 30 seconds ago.

I am humbled to be in your presence, sir.

You provide an invaluable service to this community

and to society as a whole.

Why, thank you.

I'd like to think I can make a difference.

Pat yourself on the back, Matt Lilly.

Uh, Mark.

You get to be my roommate.

Well, I probably shouldn't commit to the first place I've seen.

I don't even know your name, but what the heck?

Let's do it.

You seem like a guy who really has his priorities in check.

Yeah, I am that guy.

I have a smokin' hot soon-to-be girlfriend...

Nice.

- I've given up carbs... - Cool.

I haven't had a flare-up in months...

- Oh. - Yeah...

The future's looking pretty bright for Randall Skeffington.

Oh, ice cream,

if only your sweet cooling sensation

could be applied to my itchy, lonely junk.

Ugh, how many cartons did you make it through last night?

Twelve. Never sleeping really plays hell with my diet.

You know, Randall, sometimes I miss

the positive go-getter I thought I moved in with.

Shh. The TV's talking.

Tonight on abscess hollywood,

everyone is going "hey" to the "z"

As zombie mania spreads like my gonorrhea.

Indeed, the news of pop sensation Lady Hoo Ha going zombie

has sent scores of her mindless fans to do the same.

We're all zombies anyway,

so I'm just making the outside match the inside, you know?

That is so profound, Hoo Ha.

I mean, don't you wish

that you didn't look like a talking anus?

What are you talking about?

In the last week alone,

New York's department of integration

has registered over 25,000 new zombies.

I wouldn't want to work at that place right now.

Yeah. Those guys are .

As you may or may not have noticed, Grimes,

the D.O.I. has been flooded with zombies.

Mm-hmm.

- It's totally clogging the system. - And clogging my nose.

These zombies are giving me the sneezies.

Someone needs to hunt down this Lady Hoo Ha idiot

and convince her to renounce going zombie.

And by "convince," I mean "threaten."

I'll do it, not just because it's my job,

but also because I find her music to be derivative at best.

Fine. Whatever.

I mean, sure, it's got a beat, and you can dance to it,

But that doesn't make it art.

We get it.

Look, I'll listen to her songs a few times a day,

but will I still appreciate her in ten years?

I'm not so sure.

Grimes, get out of here!

Look, just 'cause I own all of her albums

and subscribe to her fan letter

doesn't mean she's freakin' Beethoven.

Oh! Whoa!

Ow! Ow!

I'm okay. I'm okay.

Hey, mister, you forgot this.

- You keep it, kid. - But I don't want it.

Class, I'd like everyone to welcome our new student, Carl.

Can we have some subdued applause?

Carl recently went zombie as part of the ongoing "z" craze.

Any zombie who try to zombie me I shoot with poor man's gun.

We don't want to catch zombie, Mark.

Relax, everyone.

You can't catch zombie just by being near a zombie.

How do you become a zombie, then? From a toilet seat?

You have to be bitten by one, Erik.

See, we need to clear up these kinds of misconceptions

by having a frank conversation about zombies.

So I'm canceling today's field trip to the Yankee game.

Not so long ago, zombies were confined

to an impoverished area of New York

known as Zombietown.

But after the zombie wars of the late '60s,

zombies won civil rights, and Zombietown became gentrified

into one of the more charming areas of the city.

I looked at a loft in Zombietown. Too many zipsters.

Zombies have come a long way

in the past few decades, but it's still

a very difficult life filled with skin grafts,

rotting limbs, watching all your loved ones die

as you linger on for eternity as a walking corpse.

- It's hard to rent a car. - Bummer.

Carl, you've been rather quiet.

Would you like to share your thoughts with the class?

I just never had many friends,

so when all these cool people started goin' zombie,

I thought doing it would make me cool too.

But now I'm lonelier than ever!

Oh, man!

What a freak.

A lesson in the dangers of peer pressure. I'll tell you what, Carl.

I'll spend the day helping you get used to your new lifestyle.

All right? How does that sound?

What about the rest of us?

Oh, I guess you can go to that Yankee game after all.

Yeah, Callie. I'm with her now.

Don't sweat it. She's totally on board.

You're so right, Francis. I do need to consider

the effects my actions have on my fans.

I'll tell everyone to stop going zombie at once.

Glad we're on the same page, Hoo Ha.

- Can I call you Hoo Ha? - Of course.

While I'm here, I do have some thoughts on your choreography.

Mind if I show you some moves?

We start with a pop, shimmy, then lock, jazz hands,

then pop, lock, back to the shimmy.

Francis, those are amazing moves.

You simply must be my dance captain.

- Hamburger. - Hamburger?

Hamburger. Hamburger.

Hamburger. Hamburger.

Hamburger.

Hamburger.

I don't have a hamburger. Leave me alone.

Carl, I've asked my roommate Randall to come by

and help us acclimate you to life as a zombie american.

Randall has been "z" for well over a year now.

I think you could learn a lot from him.

He sounds like a great guy. I can't wait to meet him...

For the first time in my life.

What an odd thing to say.

Okay, where's the fire?

I bet Leonard I could jerk off 30 times in one day,

and I was just about to win-- twice.

Uh, Randall, I'd like to introduce you to Carl.

Carl is a new zombie who could use a mentor.

Hi, there. I'm Carl.

- Mark has told me so much about you. - I have?

You look kind of familiar. Oh, braineaters anonymous, right?

You're that dude that's always, uh, cryin' like a little bitch?

That really defeats the purpose of "anonymous," Randall,

but Carl just went "z" this week.

There's no way you could have met him.

Dude, I need this hand to do horrible things... remember?

Carl, please let go of his hand.

So, uh, Randall, you want to grab a bite to eat? It's on me.

Or it can be me. J/K.

Just trying out some new zombie jokes.

Yeah, well, don't ever do that again.

Sorry, Carl. No time to dillydally.

We need to find you a new job that's zombie-appropriate.

Yeah, I can hook him up with the perfect job. I know a guy.

But first, if I could kindly borrow somebody's hand lotion,

I would prefer not to do a Kansas City dry rub.

Come on, the clock's ticking, people.

I don't know about this, Randall.

Zombie pylon? It seems dangerous.

Do you want my help or not? This job is great.

You get paid to stand around all day,

and everyone looks great in a vest.

Ooh!

My arm!

First of all, vest still totally works,

and I can get you a new arm, dude.

Just give me 50 bucks and don't ask any questions.